When "Boo" Isn't Enough
Do you dread Halloween parties, knowing you’re an awful conversationalist? Does the thought of brushing shoulders with the wretched and famous make you want to hide under your blankets and whimper?
Then not only are you a wuss, you need to read this.
Our first tricky conversationalist is Eliv Thade. Not only does the guy speak only in anagrams, he’s got dozens of distracting bandages all over the more prominent parts of his body. All you need to know are the following phrases.
Nice Speaking with you, I think I’ll go get some punch: Ecin pikengas tiwh oyu, I kniht lil og etg eoms nuchup
Your conversation will go something like this:
Eliv: Ih, sthaw royu mena.
Eliv: Sthaw oyu mena, oyu impltones.
Eliv: Royu mena nsit Hhhu. Pist ti tou.
Eliv: Oyru mena. Si htat oto chum ot sak?
You: Ecin pikengas tiwh oyu, I kniht lil og etg eoms nuchup
He will continue to babble threateningly at you in anagrams. At this point, you’re home free, so just ignore him. Make sure to actually get some punch, but if you’re at the snack table you’ll likely run into...
The Esophagor would never admit it, but he’s a member of the gourmet club. He LOVES good food in a fancy setting. Don’t mention the Gourmet Club, but you should bring up Kelp, the posh Maraquan restaurant.
Esophagor: Mmmmm... Mmore pppeanut spppiderrrs pleeease.
You: Ooh! These Peanut Spiders remind me of a positively SUCCULENT dish I had at Kelp the other day. Have you ever been there?
Esophagor: I gggo theeere alllmosst every daaaaay. I lllllike the Whooole Roassssst Pheasssant with Corallll Caaaaake assssss desssssert.
You: Oh! There’s Sophie! I must be going nice to see you.
At this point, it might be helpful to go talk to Sophie. Otherwise it’s an obvious bluff.
Sophie The Swamp Witch
Sophie is irritable, so be careful. A good idea is to mention something people can complain about for extended periods of time. She’ll start talking loudly about how much she hates whatever you just mentioned, and you just need to nod sympathetically and throw in the occasional “Uh-Huh.”
It’ll be like this:
Sophie: Hey, aren’t you that idiot who kept making ropes that couldn’t hold the weight of a Flightning Bug last year?
You: Umm... Yes?
Sophie: Well, I sure do hate Flightning Bugs. They’re so small and annoying, and they serve no clear purpose.
Sophie: You bet! Why, when you compare Flightning Bugs to Meowclopses, there’s just no competition...
And she’ll keep going for between ten and fifteen minutes. Longer if you’re lucky. Sophie takes up a considerable amount of time what with her ranting, and whatnot, so look for her if you’re trying to kill time. Next you might see...
Arnold is that Mynci who runs the Test-Your-Strength game at the Deserted Fairgrounds. You aren’t allowed to whack him with the mallet. Arnold enjoys telling exploits of his own fairness, because everyone knows his game is rigged. Mention how much you like his game, and how fair it is. From there on, just agree to everything he says.
It will be painful and sound like this:
You: Arnold! Nice to see you!
Arnold: Heh heh, how are you?
You: Fine. I’ve been working out. I think I can make it to Useless this time.
Arnold: I don’t know. But my game is quite fair, you may have a chance.
You: You’re right; it is fair. I can’t believe anyone would think it's rigged.
Arnold: I know! Why, I had a Gelert in just last week; he demanded to see my license, and I insisted I’d lost it, but he claimed I’d never had one in the first place.
You: The nerve!
Arnold: I know! Been lovely chatting. Farewell.
You: *waves good-bye*
Mrs. Prenderghast is a bit of a recluse. Her spirit lives alone in as fine manor full of dusty old paintings. Actually they’re stupendously fabulous paintings, but when she’s gone, feel free to call them dusty. She likes paintings a lot. If there’s any chance in Faerieland she might be there, read up on some artists as to not be lectured to death by her endless babble on uneducated youth.
Mrs. Prenderghast: Hrm? Do I know you?
You: It’s a party. We’re supposed to mingle.
Mrs. Prenderghast: Who’s your favorite artist?
You: Umm... Rembat, that one Korbat who did all those...
Mrs. Prenderghast: You mispronounced his name! Uneducated youth...
Edna should be avoided. If you so much as glance in her general direction, she’ll demand that you bring her random items. If you do look at her, politely decline until someone else looks at her.
Edna: You there! I’m making an Elixir of Rainbow Stretching! Bring me a wicker bathtub, Scarab Cookie, and a Silly Daisy on the double!
You: No thanks, I’m busy enjoying myself at this lovely party.
Edna: That wasn’t a question! Just who do you think you are? Why, if I had refused my mother, she would have... Hey you! Come here!
Eliv Thade: Rnda!
Yeah... Edna probably reminds you of your mom... She reminds me of my mom, too. Just be polite, and if pressed, flee.
Count Von Roo
Count Von Roo usually hangs out at Mystery Island, but he does come to ALL of the hippest parties in the Haunted Woods, because he’s cool (or so he says). Reminiscent of Hoban, he’s grouchy, has very few people skills, and is receptive to compliments.
Von Roo: I don’t like you.
Albert the Kacheek
What you haven’t heard of him? Check the Neopedia. Anyway, moving on. Albert was cursed by the Esophagor (who you’ve already talked to), to be a mutant. Albert like flowers, so that would be a good topic for you to bring up. Once the Star of a game, Albert now shuffles around after the Esophagor, bringing him stuff.
You: Hi. Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?
Albert: Not really.
You: I wonder where all these flowers came from.
Albert: Quite simple, really. You see, Illusen has set up a string of enchanted greenhouses in the Haunted Woods, each one tended by dozens of Earth Faeries. The flowers grow in a safe, secure environment, and are then harvested and sold all across the Haunted Woods.
You: You seem to know a lot about flowers.
Albert: Yes, I suppose I do. *Sigh*
Hopefully, by now it’s past midnight; you can give some lame excuse about putting your pets to bed and flee. Sometimes other people won’t let you leave, in which case, collapse on the floor and whimper. Someone will escort you out of the building, and then you can run.
And don’t stop. Eliv Thade’s quite a sprinter.
Author’s Note: And a Happy All Hallow’s Eve to you too!