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The Sinister Stamp


by twocents

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RAWR! I stomp my *cough* dainty *cough* I mean, ferocious and fearsome hooves of impending doom, sure to crush all of Neopian kind! Mwahaha!

     Or so I wish. *sigh* It is hard to be a scary creature sure to wreak unnatural fear upon unsuspecting Neopians when you are on a tiny piece of paper backed with a little bit of glue.

     The evil Neopians glare at me from outside my nifty case in the post office and stick their oily fingerprints upon my wondrous fire. I can bite their fingers when they pick up my stamp. Haha. It is quite amusing to see their looks of shock and surprise when they feel my teeth sink into their fingers. Mwahaha! Foolish Neopians thinking they can just grab without care! I can crush them all!

     But, alas! Woe is me (not the Tale of Woe, just regular woe). I can not live my wild dreams to travel across the vast Tyrannia landscape. I can not bring with me my wild, wondrous fire to lighten the stone landscape. I can not terrorize Faerieland, Maraqua, or even just tiny Kiko Island! I am ridiculed, and outraged by my so-called “stamp” status. Lower than the real Monocerous, I am but a mockery.

     But, your mockage will not get me down! (And yes, I just made up a word. When you are a tiny piece of paper, you are allowed to do things like that. Do you not wish you were a tiny piece of paper now?) I think I shall allow someone to purchase me, and then I will bring terror into the whole stamp album! My evil plots will prevail! Mwahaha! (And when you are evil, you are allowed to do the evil laugh an excessively large amount of time. You are not evil, so you would not know, but it is okay according to the handbook. Yes, there is a handbook... I’ve told you too much. Shoo-Shoo! Silly Neopians, I will not answer your questions!)

     I saw her. An easy Neopian to get to buy me. I turned my head just a smidgen to appear more friendly, and brightened my fire, so as to stand out. (Oh, all right. And to try to set the other stamps on fire. It did not work. Darn it!)

     She carefully selected a Candychan Stamp (those goody-two-wings), a stocking stamp (those are pretty evil too, with their knit weave and all. They are out to get us. Just you see), a Tyrannia stamp, and GASP! Me! Yesh! My plan could now be put into action. Assuming I could conquer those glaring, laser-hiding stockings. Maybe if I distract them pudding they will be hypnotized or something...

     In a lucky stroke of luck, my new owner went to the Bakery, and purchased among way too many other things (what is she? made of neopoints?), a delish pudding. Using my amazing powers, I used my fire as a backlight to the magical (Ooh! Ahh!) Christmas pudding. And... the stocking attached itself to it! Silly pudding! Foolishly walking into my brilliant and cleverly laid trap! Yes! Now that I have those conspiring knits out of my way, I can plot my... plot for domination. MWAHAHA! (I told you to expect it again.)

     Anyway, I had laughed so evilly that I did not even notice when my new owner arrived back at her neohome. Ugh, she lives in Roo Island. Who lives in Roo Island? All the nasty bright colors really bring down my plans for world domination. Seriously, who has an evil lair by a merry go round? It is very difficult to laugh evilly and be taken seriously when you are so close to a color like pink.

     Enough! Of my inane ranting, that is. I have serious plans to take into consideration.

     AACK!

     Ugh, her nasty, slimy tongue just licked me! Who licks someone? Honestly, quite rude. And now, I am being smooshed down onto a page. AH! Get your dirty, oily fingers off me! Ugh, nasty indeed!

     Hmm....

     I have ended up in quite a predicament. I am stuck.

     Stuck.

     Stuck!

     In case you were not aware, it is very important to repeat things three times for dramatic emphasis.

     Anyway, back to the point. How can I possibly terrorize an entire stamp album, let alone the whole of Neopia, when I am glued firmly to one place?

     Hmm...

     That was quite tricky of her. Those Neopians are wittier than they appear to be. Do NOT be fooled. Just when you are ready to implement evil plans, with the evil laugh of MWAHAHA and all, they will lick your back and glue you to a piece of paper. Quite tricky they are. Quite tricky, indeed. Those dang Neopians.

     So, what do I do now? I peeked my head out to the left, and swiveled it quickly to the right. I can still move somewhat! At least my head can. Even if I can not pop over and fool the other stamps. Hopefully, that stocking is still distracted by the Christmas pudding. Cannot have it interfering, now can I?

     Ah! I looked up and spotted some Korbats flying around lazily.

     “Psht! Hey! Up there!” I called out to the many Korbats.

     “What?” one of them yelled back. “Oh, it’s a new kid,” he said, apparently to another Korbat.

     “Want to rise up against the evil Christmas stocking? Word on the stamp album is that he wants to take over the stamp album,” I said in my best diplomatic voice.

     I heard murmurs and odd snippets of phrase like “What?!” “NO!!!” and “Hmm, cake.” I was not quite sure what it meant, but I hoped that it was good, especially if cake was involved.

     Finally, from the above (rather than the beyond), I heard one yell, “I heard he was hypnotized by Christmas pudding. How can he plot stamp album domination in such a state?”

     Darn! What shall I say now? What can I do to make them stop asking question? What is the Korbats’ weakness? Well, what is anyone’s weakness?

     “Um... LOOK OUT! THE MEEPITS ARE COMING!!!! RUN! RUN AWAY!!! AHH!!!” I shrieked and pretended to flee, stomping my hooves to make an unnecessary amount of noise.

     I heard several cries of fear, and “Abandon the cake!!” was screamed as well. Many of them flapped their wings frantically, and a few others may have even tried to run away on the ground. Finally, all the flapping settled down. I peeked up out of my stamp, and their stamp showed a blank scene. Well, that was easy enough.

     However, I need to think up something more diplomatic... What should I do to terrorize the others into submission? Or should I aim to con them into being on my side, and pull a fast one on them?

     “Hey, kid,” said Kyruggi. Well, not really, because they do not talk like that, but I did not figure you would understand, “UH, uggh.”

     Anyways, I turned my head to face her.

     “Yeah, what?” I called back.

     She popped out of sight, and I heard, slightly muffled, “I would duck if I were you.”

     Hmm... what is she talking about?

     Then, I felt a bang on my head, and darkness. Darn. No plot can be carried out now.

The End

 
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