For an easier life Circulation: 177,384,889 Issue: 314 | 19th day of Collecting, Y9
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

The Secret is Sand

by twocents


Long have Neopians and their pets searched for the perfect item to round out their neohome, their happiness, their very existence! Dabbling in the eggy goodness of omelettes, looking for the elusive (and conclusively, nonexistent) jellies, trying to snuggle with dung, many Neopians have looked for the perfect thing.

Alas, as many have discovered, those items fail miserably. Eggs go rotten, jelly is for the mad, and dung just stinks up every neohome. The secret item, gone unnoticed by many, is sand. It is the essence of every happy memory!

Remember the way the sand felt between your paws as you took a Tiki Tour? And how horribly the view of the beach would be ruined if mud ran alongside the ocean instead of precious sand? Let’s not forget the Lost Desert would be more like “The Lost Mud Hole” if not for sand.

Sand is the perfect ingredient in every bit of life. In the kitchen, imagine trying to call in the petpets with cries of “Tigersquash Wiches for lunch!” No petpet would come running. Luckily for all of us Neopians, the Lost Desert has found a way to make it edible! No pet need go sand-hungry!

Of course, every young petpet recalls playing with his or her first sand set. Imagine the horrors that would be unleashed if that precious childhood memory was taken away! Whether the set was green, red, or purple JubJub, it remains an essential part of any pet’s growth.

And the best sand, of course, is the kind that you can take home with you, set on your mantle, and ogle on a regular basis. Oh, the wonders of Mystery Island bottled sand! Who doesn’t love it immensely? It acts as the best gift for everyone everywhere! Especially for yourself. Celebrate an accomplishment with a bottle of orange sand!

The only problem with sand? It isn’t everywhere!

How shadowed is our world without more sand! Alas, we must look to a bright and happy future in which Neopians can dip their pets in the Rainbow Pool and allow them emerge sanded. No petpet would remain in a shop if painted sand! They would go from being merely lovable to being entirely irresistible! No petpet would have to beg to be chosen in the shop window. Everyone would be clamoring to hold them if they were sand. The Neohome will be so much brighter and livable with a living room composed of sand furniture!

Ah, but alas, we only have a few sand options. So, you sand dunces, I shall now teach you all about the history of sand! Welcome to CharlieTime’s great sand lesson!

It comes from the great Lost Desert. Very vast it is. Mhhmm.

The neopedia will tell you there are severe sand storms! Do not believe that nonsense! It is the dust and meepits working together to make sand look bad! It’s pure blasphemy! Your sand should be loved, not feared.

The evil neopedia even goes so far to say that the sandstorms are extremely “unpleasant.” Believe you me; even if there were such “storms,” they would be quite enjoyable, like a nice sprinkling of sand on your fur. Ah, it would be so wondrous that you’d like to go out and dance in it! LOVE thy sand!

There are many wondrous types of sand. I shall tell you about the best sand foods, sand toys, bottled sand, gardening sand, oh my! There are even wondrous items named after it! We shall touch on those later, though.

Ah, my favorite foods. Sandy. There are many wondrous sand foods. Sand cherries, sand grapes, sand apple, sand orange. The best sand food, though, is the sand squash. No other vegetable has been made into the wondrous sand shape! It is a most beauteous shape as well, and although the squash juice to sand ratio is a little high, it still tastes most delicious. It also is an example of how bad Kelp is. Kelp doesn’t have any such sand food. Hmph! You can hardly say a restaurant offers ambrosia, when it lacks sand!

For all you little sand-loving kiddies, there are sand toys! The toy shop offers all sort of wondrous options (although, clearly not enough). There are your basic sand castle sets, which you can build a mildly good sandcastle with the best ingredient: sand! They come in the basic colors: red, green, blue and yellow. A couple even offer such awful things as flags to “decorate” your sandcastle with! How horrible! Do NOT buy those. Why would you ever want to detract from the pure beauty that is sand? That is why the sandcastle kits are best. The description says everything; with these, you can truly build a sand masterpiece! And that really is the point of such toys, after all, to show off the wonder that is sand!

Now, the next two types are my favorites. So, now they shall be yours! (You’re dunces after all, not sand-smart enough to formulate your own opinion, so I give you permission to copy mine.) Bottled sand.

I shall provide a minute of silence for us to all contemplate the powerful impact of such words... BOTTLED SAND.

There are many types of bottled sand. It is hard to pick a favorite, but I shall. You have your basic bottled sand: bottle of green sand, bottle of red sand, bottle of blue sand, and so on. They should decorate the sides of your mantle proudly. The ones that must be featured in the middle are the sand sculptures. You have your curvy sand sculpture, angular sand sculpture, and many more, including my favorite, rainbow sand sculpture. All the beautiful sand colors mingling happy in one bottle. Can anything get much better?

No. But it can get worse. Stay away from the evil reject sand sculptures. They are a mockery of the wonder that is sand, and you will taint your hands if you touch them! If you accidentally come into contact, I suggest going to the Healing Springs right away. See if the faerie can fix you up. Granted, Faerieland is no Lost Desert, but it shall suffice.

Now, you can not only view the beautiful sand in the comfort of your living room (and den and bedroom and kitchen... *coughs*), but you may also see it in your neogarden. What better way to relax than in the presence of such beauty? My favorite is the sand boat. Oh, it is so majestic. It combines the presence of the boat with the ultimate beauty of sand. You can’t really get much better than that.

And, it seems I have a little more time to discuss how other things wish they were sand.

The name SANDwich copied the wonder that is sand. Have you ever wondered why sandwiches are so important in your daily meals? It is because they are attempting to replicate the wonder that is sand. And you can’t really blame them. If you had sand squash to compete with, you may also attempt to be delicious as well. Or at least enticing.

TCG cards have also tried to entice by seeming to be sand-related. If you are into collecting something as atrocious as a neodeck or TCG, then make sure some sand gets in there! Generally, paper is awful, but when it has a beautiful picture of quicksand or sandstorms (again, the creation of the meepits and dust, which wishes it was sand), then I suppose you may make an exception and let the paper into your presence. The rest of the stuff is evil, though.

Once you realize the utter importance of sand in your life, rally around! Let’s make sand seep from every crevice! A happy world is one covered in sand.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


A Spooky Halloween, part 3
Esophagor's Quest

by ghostkomorichu


Wisdumb from the General Speaker
Well... erm... yes...

by mysticmannie


Kadma(i)nia - The Series (Part #2)
Food! Food! Food! Food!

Also by tinkx

by kazukazue


Oddities of the Weird
So incredible, so impossible...

by ijallred95

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.