Enter the Snowflake's lair... Circulation: 145,228,152 Issue: 305 | 17th day of Hiding, Y9
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

A Hero's Tips for Heroes to Be


by elfwick

--------

Hello, I'm Trugmorik the Mighty. I am a great superhero Xweetok. I have traveled all over Neopia and fought many evil-doers. Although I have won a great many battles, I have not yet been inducted into the Defenders of Neopia, my greatest ambition. So, right now I'm more of a freelance superhero, helping the helpless and defending the defenseless.

I've had a lot of questions about how to be a superhero lately, so I thought I would give all you Neopians some tips. Follow these tips, and you may one day become a great superhero like me... maybe.

1. Always wear a mask to hide your true identity.

The mask is the most important article of superhero clothing you will ever wear. To help with the difficulty of finding the mask for you, I will provide step by step directions on how to create your mask.

First, pick out a piece of cloth about the size of a bandanna. When choosing the quality of cloth, I recommend finding something fairly new and sturdy. If you make your mask out of your old baby blanket, chances are it will fall apart or rip pretty quickly. Not to mention, it makes you look like a wimp. When choosing a color, you should go with something that matches your personality. For example, if you are a massive Skeith with a temper problem, you probably should not go with bright pink.

Second, cut eye holes. I'm telling you, this is a very important step. If you don't cut eye holes in your mask, what's to stop you from walking into a volcano or a pole? Neopia is a dangerous place when you can't see.

Third, tie the mask securely around your head. Make sure it's not too loose as it may fall off. Make sure it's not too tight as it will cut off blood flow to your brain, and that can make crime-fighting really hard.

Once you follow the simple steps, you will be ready to fight crime without fear of exposing yourself.

The benefits to wearing a mask are endless. Life is hard enough just fighting crime. If people knew who you were, there would be constant neomails begging for your help.

“Trugmorik the Mighty, can you get my Puppyblew out of the tree?”

“Trugmorik the Mighty, can you lift my bed so I can find my Cootie?”

“Trugmorik the Mighty, can you fly to Roo Island to save my friend from Count Von Roo?”

You can see how this could get tiresome. Not to mention the constant autograph and photo requests. It's enough to wear even the toughest superhero out.

2. Capes can be dangerous. Be careful if you wear one.

Capes look really cool, and I mean REALLY cool. It's the best way to identify you as a superhero. How many regular Neopians go trotting around with a cape tied around their neck. But, if you are going to choose this item as part of your superhero costume, please be careful. Capes can get caught in almost anything. If it does, you'll almost definitely go down with it. I would recommend that you have some easy way of dislodging yourself from your cape just to make it easier and safer for you to focus on your goals.

Once, back before I realized the importance of cape safety, I was taking a stroll through Neopia Central. I was looking in a shop window at some yummy looking Chocolate Dipped Techo Feet when my cape got caught on a Tonu's crimson slipper. She didn't notice me as I was dragged all over Neopia Central, going in and out of every single shop. I couldn't get my cape off of myself or the Tonu's slipper until, finally, a store clerk told the Tonu that she had a Xweetok caught on her shoe. Let me tell you, it's pretty embarrassing to be caught under a two-ton neopet with a shopping addiction.

I also learned the importance of pretending you meant to do something stupid. I merely told the Tonu that I needed a ride.

3. You should always have a trusted and intelligent sidekick to get you out of the pickles your ego gets you into.

Superheroes can be pretty cocky. They are so used to being the best that they forget that they too are vulnerable. This is why it is important to have a smart sidekick you can trust. They will never be as amazing as you, but at least you will have someone watching your back. But never, and I mean never, get a White Weewoo with a head the size of a Gooseberry Chia. There'll be no end to your misery.

4. Watch out for your loved ones. They are always they ones who get hurt, kidnapped, etc.

Now, let's be honest. Your arch nemesis will probably figure out your identity eventually. Evil super-villains are pretty smart after all. But that doesn't mean you should make it easy for them. This is why it is so important to wear your mask! Usually just the simple face mask is enough to keep the villains guessing for years. I know, it sounds crazy. How can a piece of cloth tied around my face stump these evil masterminds? I'm telling you, it works!

Once your archnemesis has found out your identity, it's time to protect your friends and family. Anyone could be a target. However, the closer they are to you, the more likely it is that they will end up dangling over a pit of lava or trapped in a tank full of vicious Jetsam.

Here's a tip; once the super-villain has found out your alternate identity, get all of your relatives into the same room and lather them up with soap. It is a widely known fact that villains are slippery and, if your relative is slippery too, the villain will slide right off of them.

5. Goons are generally stupid and easy to evade.

This is pretty self explanatory. Goons are dumb. Villains can't afford to hire someone as smart as themselves. They don't want (or need) the competition. So, when faced with a huge, hulking goon blocking your path, just outsmart him. It's really not that hard. Throw a brick of cheese at them. If you don't have cheese, cover their head with a cape. Goons usually go to sleep if the lights are off. Hey, there's another good reason to wear a cape!

6. Look for the large off switch and/or self destruct button on the villain’s death ray.

Now, you may think that the evil villain is smart, and you'd be right. They are super-geniuses. A hero is generally no match for villains based on intelligence alone. But for some reason the evil death ray, or freeze ray, or whatever kind of ray the villain happens to be using always has a giant, uncomplicated off switch. Just be careful not to confuse it with the on switch as they are very similar and are most likely right next to each other.

Just remember to look for the label marked “Off”. If you can't read, just push the blue button. Come to think of it, if you can't read, there's not much chance of you reading this article. Learn to read! It's important! Words are good! Illiteracy is bad! Definitions are good! Not dying because you happen to be colorblind, priceless.

7. Always try to escape and/or bring the villain bodily harm during his monologue.

At some point during your fight with a villain, it is inevitable that you will be caught in a very difficult position and the villain will have the upper-hand. Don't panic. This will usually be the time that the villain begins to boast and brag about how evil and smart he is and tell you all of his plans for world domination.

Now, if your only focus is escaping, this is the perfect time to do so. If, however, you are trying to stop the villain, you should pay close attention to what he says and allow him to finish his monologue. Get yourself out of the tight situation, but don't leave. It's the perfect time to find out his evil plans and stop him.

8. Do not kiss the villain’s Spardel.

Do not, under any circumstances, kiss the villain's Spardel. They may look cute and innocent, but you never know what evil plan the villain has for you. You don't know where that Spardel has been or why the villain is suddenly being so friendly. Also, it is widely known that Spardels have nasty breath and can spread diseases such as Lolling Tongue or Sneezy Gas. It's true. Look it up.

So, there you have it. If you follow these simple tips, you will be on your way to being as amazing, talented, and handsome as me! I said “on your way” so don't get full of yourself.

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

Yuppers!
Cloudy with a chance of rain.

by cocoakitty95

---------

Evaristus the Envious
Evaristus the Royal Usul sat gloomily in the candlelit drawing room of his Meridell Neohome. It was a warm summer evening...

by maipom

---------

A Day At the Magic Shop!
Things that can happen when you shop at the Magic Shop...

by lovedraik

---------

Island WG: Never eat a...
Scary...

by siri_magatsu



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.