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Being Pea

by carrotopian


MisterSquishikins was clearly in a particularly bad mood when he wrote this...

'My life as a vegetable' by MisterSquishikins (a most reluctant Pea Chia)

Well, this is a fine state of affairs! Ever since I was born, my main mission in life has been to become a Malevolent Sentient Plushie Poogle – that really is not too much to ask, is it? But what do I get to be instead? A Pea Chia! That ridiculous Secret Laboratory Ray turned me into a bite-sized vegetable - a tasty snack for any passing Lupe and, what is more, I am now extremely short. I do not want to be a food item; I want to be mean and scary and made out of patchwork. Really, this current look is quite depressing for a Neopet of my aspiring calibre and I am going to require extensive therapy, I just know it; not to mention bucket loads of chocolate and at the very least, a new hat! I mean, what’s up with that? MumboGrundo is his real self; he gets to be the Orange Grundo he always wanted to be and he gets a hat but what does he use it for? Not for keeping his head warm, oh no – he hides Dave his ‘pet’ Draik Egg under it (give me strength – it does not matter how many books my owner reads to him, he will always be dim-witted as far as I can see). If I had a hat I would use it in the manner for which it was intended, except - I did not get a hat, did I? Although if I was given a hat right now it wouldn’t fit because I am so small and I would just look like... well, a walking hat. Argh! The indignity of it all!

     So I imagine you are wondering how this could have happened? The source of my anguish is, without doubt, my owner’s absurd preoccupation with small, square graphics. She is a Secret Avatar collector and in actual fact, another Pet was supposed to be zapped into a Pea Chia so that she could try and get the Super Attack Pea Secret Avatar for her collection. Hah! Fat chance! Have you seen how much those things cost? She has to be crazy but we have not choice but to humour her since she is the one who can cart us off to the Secret Laboratory or *shudder* the Neopian Pound at – well, the drop of a hat, really. Hmmm, I never actually considered the possible fiendish significance of hats until just then; I think I will wait until bed time tonight and then tell MumboGrundo that he is only wearing a new hat because he is the next Pet destined for the Neopian Pound. Ha, ha, ha – he will freak out!

     Anyway, I was rather looking forward to being Msp-ified and quite happy being zapped daily; there are not really that many side-effects and the static does wear off after a couple of hours. Pity about that – I have a great time giving everyone static shocks when I come home from that Lab Ray Scientist’s place. What’s his story anyhow? I reckon that mad Scorchio has lost a few of the crayons out of his box; does he think he is a mad scientist or something – I mean have you seen his coif? He needs a hairdresser, real bad. If I were allowed to have scissors I would tidy it up for him; snip, snip, snip – “Oh was that your ear? Never mind, I’ll stick some tape on it, nobody will notice...” Yes, anyhow; one day, at my regular zapping session, I turned into a Pea Chia and my owner suddenly decided that I was going to be her new Super Attack Pea candidate. Well, thank you very much – NOT!

     At least my owner has tried to make it up to me, I suppose. She entered me in the Neopets Beauty Contest a couple of times and ironically, when she drew me as a Malevolent Sentient Pea Chia (MSPea Chia – get it?), I won first in my species. That really just added insult to injury, though. Listen to me, people – Chia is NOT my species; in my heart (which is of course black, evil and twisted) I am a Malevolent Sentient Plushie Poogle! I am meant to be multi-coloured, not green all over and I am completely fed up with the other Pets making nasty, roundist jokes at my expense and waving sticks of butter at me. My owner truly has got a lot to answer for and she can carry on feeding me all the Gourmet Food she likes; I am not going to take this lying down. In fact, I could not take this lying down even if I wanted to (which I do not); have you ever seen a Pea Chia trying to lie down? It is impossible, I tell you – I have to sleep standing up.

     Of course, most of the time I cannot get any rest at all. ProfessorSock thinks it is simply hilarious to use me as a soccer ball and he has really big feet (which do not smell too good, either). Just you wait, Socky-pants; one day I will be a glorious Malevolent Sentient Plushie Poogle and then the boot will be on the other foot – a patchy, stompy, mean-spirited but delicately deodorized foot (just because I am wicked to the core does not mean that I do not pay incredibly close attention to matters of personal hygiene) that is going to be aiming right for you. I may be a bland vegetable at the moment but that does not mean I have lost my malevolent tendencies; on the contrary, I will always have a fierce thread of extreme plushie evilness running right through me. I used to have the best time chasing CarrotFaerie (my owner’s Carrot Chia) around the kitchen with a grater (that was before I was a Pea Chia; I could not even lift any kitchen utensils now) and I thought it was really amusing, but of course, I was the only one who saw the funny side of it. *shrug* That is why I am not allowed to handle anything sharp anymore; I was grounded for a whole week after that incident and CarrotFaerie has apparently never recovered which is why they run into a corner and cry whenever they see anything shiny. Shame. *smirk*

     So there you have it. I am exceedingly miserable being forced to remain a Pea Chia (indefinitely) and my life as a vegetable is certainly no picnic – unless you happen to be a Lupe and then I should imagine that my (probably drastically shortened under the circumstances) life would look quite a lot like a picnic indeed. All I can do is hope that one fine day my owner is going to find a Super Attack Pea so that she can get that Super Attack Pea Secret Avatar. When that day comes (and I hope that it is soon) I can finally shove ProfessorSock out of the way, return to my rightful place over at the Secret Laboratory and start the whole zapping procedure all over again.

     Wish me luck and, if you see me wandering around the shops of Neopia, with my squeaky-wheeled, wooden cart trundling along behind me, optimistically stockpiling a variety of Poogle Morphing Potions for later use, remember this – I do not want your pity; I may be small, I may be green, but under this skin I am vicious and mean.

The End

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