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Dear Crabby: I'm A Superstar, You're Not


by dan4884

--------

Guess who I just finished talking with. Go on, guess.

...

WRONG! It was a celebrity agent! He thinks I’m a celebrity! And not only that, but he’s giving me a multi-million Neopoint deal to continue the Dear Crabby articles, along with a merchandising and advertisement contract! So now I’m not only the crabbiest Mutant Lenny advice columnist, I’m the richest Mutant Lenny advice columnist! All bow down to my awesome might!

*cough* Yes, anyway. My contract’s fine print says I must be as crabby as possible or the deal is canceled and I don’t receive the money, so be prepared. What I say next may shock you...

...or not. It’s not like I wasn’t crabby before. This won’t be hard at all, right?

Right?

***

Dear Crabby:

I have a Chia *twitch* phobia. They seem to be everywhere I go. I see them during Neoquest, talking on the boards, and OH MY! They appear to be reading my neomail! Are we doomed to live in a world controlled by Chias?

-Hiding Under Covers

Dear Hiding:

You go right ahead and smack those—what? Really? I have to?

*sigh* Apparently, my agent is a Chia. (He really looked like a Xweetok to me, I can’t really tell the difference between those two). And not only is he a Chia, but he’s a Chia Rights Activist. Who knew? And apparently I’m supposed to give you this Chia Public Service Announcement:

Chias are perfectly safe and are not out to harm you or anyone else on Neopia. Kreludor, now that’s a different story. But anyway—you shouldn’t be worried, Hiding. We are all wonderful Neopians who contribute to the world in wonderful ways!

*cough* That was strange. But he’s signing the check, I suppose.

***

d3@r cR@bie:

Z0MG!111 i m@d3 iT 1n!1111

-!!!!!!!!!!

Dear !:

What a strange name. And message for that matter.

Just a warning, my friend-who-I’ve-never-met-before-so-I-don’t-even-know-why-I’m-saying-my-friend: you’re not gonna make many friends if you talk like that. In fact, I don’t even know how you could talk like that. Seriously, I’m trying to picture someone saying “@.” How would you say it? “A with a circular squiggly?” It doesn’t even make sense. “d-three-A with a circular squiggly-r c-uppercase r-another A with a circular squiggly-b-i-e?” ...Right.

***

Dear Crabby:

Everyone is so busy asking you questions, no one will talk to me! What should I do?

-Lonely and Bored

Dear Lonely:

I’ve got a brother here, a grey Krawk named Mopey. You think you’re lonelier than him? I challenge you two to a... mope-off! Just don’t mope around me. I can’t stand it. Go bother that agent of mine. He’ll be happy to have the company.

What? I can’t tell people to bother you? Fine. How do you even know what I’m writing anyway? Are you... are you reading over my shoulder?!

...

He says he has the power to do anything he wants since he’s the one with the paycheck. *sigh* Ah well.

***

Dear Crabby:

I hate your name. Why not 'Rudely' or 'Donut'?

-Name Changer

Dear Changer-

Like your name is any better.

***

Dear Crabby:

A revolting group of Neopets has taken to hitting a look-a-like plushie of His Greatness, Lord Kass, with a stick. This offends me greatly, but I am not sure how to handle the situation. After all, they are the ones with the stick. What should I do?

-A Darigan Loyalist

Dear Loyalist:

I want to thank you. You have given me a chance to use my favorite and most universal piece of advice:

Find a bigger stick.

***

Dear Crabby:

A friend of mine has taken an unreasonable dislike to the perfectly innocent game "Whack-A-Kass". Considering the trouncing Kass gave our country, my friends and I believe we are perfectly within our rights to beat a plushie version of him with anything we see fit. How can I bring my friend to see reason?

- A Stick Loving Meridellian

Dear Meridellian:

Find a bigger stick.

***

Dear Crabby:

There's this constant argument in my Meridellian town, about whether or not Whack a Kass is a good or bad thing to do. My question is: Who's Kass?

-Confused From Meridell

Dear Confused:

Find a bigger stick.

***

Earday Abbycray:

Iyay avehay ayay endencytay otay eakspay inyay igpay atinlay. Iyay amyay alsoyay ayay iscoloredday ushieplay acheekkay. Ymay eyesyay areyay alsoyay oreverfay edray ecauseyay Iyay illedspay altsay intoyay emthay. Everyoneyay inksthay atthay Iyay amyay Elivyay Adethay! Easeplay elphay!

- Ushieplay Acheekkay Ashedway Ithway Theyay Arksday.

Dear Ushieplay:

Why not just become Eliv Thade? He’ll never notice if you move in to his castle and assume his responsibilities.

Oh... as a side note by my agent, we accept no responsibility for any pain you may suffer from Eliv Thade-related accidents.

You know, you just ruined my entire advice. Now he’ll never follow through!

Gah.

***

Dear Crabby:

Why are you so crabby?

- Too Curious For My Own Good

Dear Curious:

Because there’s always people like you to bother me.

***

Dear Crabby:

As I'm sure that you (being a mutant Lenny, and rather vulture-like, might I add) of all Neopets would care answering where the meat type foods come from? Like the sausage omelettes. Is it actually made of - dare I say it - pork?

-Veggie Lover

Dear Veggie:

You do know this is an advice column, right? Stop sending me your inane questions!

...and another message from my agent:

We at Dear Crabby Enterprises do not actually think your questions are inane.

Yes, we do! Stop doing that! I’m starting to think this whole deal was a bad idea...

But the money...

How are you doing that? Stop writing in my article!

Sorry...

***

Dear Crabby:

I'm an Elephante who thought I could fly... Guess what? I can't. Why did they give small wings to us large Neopets?

-Falling From Faerieland

Dear Falling:

Because “they” are mean people with a sick sense of humor. Coincidentally, I am one of “them.” *evil cackle*

***

Dear Crabby:

I used to be a perfectly normal pet. I was even in the Neopian Times! Then my owner started zapping me nonstop. I'm never the same any more. My friends don't know who I am and attack me when I walk into their houses without knocking, even though I used to do it all the time. Please tell me what to do about this situation - I'm desperate!

-Lab Pet in Pain

Dear Pet:

You think you got it bad? I’m not a lab pet and people attack me all the time anyway! So before you go complaining again, think about this: at least you’re not me. Believe me; no one wants to hear your complaining. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

What? You don’t believe me? You say I’ve never actually met you in person?

...be quiet.

***

Dear Crabby:

I can't decide what pet to get, what do you think I should get?

-Undecided

Dear Undecided:

Why, that’s easy: Mutant Lennies are—

According to my agent, I was just kidding. Chias are the best pets for you. *sigh*

***

Dear Crabby:

I'm a Christmas Uni, but I hate grooming and such. In fact, I adore battling! But every time I try to make friends, people think I'm stuck up and annoying like all other Unis. How do I let people get to know me better?

-Tomboy Uni

Dear Uni:

Sadly, this world will not accept you for who you are. In fact, just a few minutes ago, my agent suggested I get repainted as Rainbow, or something. Can you imagine being a Rainbow Lenny named Crabby? That’s even worse than a mutant one! Gah!

What was your question?

***

That’s just about as much advice I can take for today. This agent has been driving me batty. No torture like this is worth all that money, I’m afraid. So I think I must follow my own advice to solve the problem.

If you have a question for me, Crabby, send a neomail to dan4884. It may get answered in the next Dear Crabby column. Please note that not all questions will be used and your username will not be credited. Thanks for reading!

Now to find that bigger stick...

 
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