Come dance with the Wanderers... Circulation: 149,520,230 Issue: 285 | 30th day of Running, Y9
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Welcome To Monday

by tazmanianunicorn


Mondays are horrible.

     Listen to the name. MONDAY. You know Sunday is good because everyone who's not Count Von Roo loves the sun. Plus it rhymes with funday and even Count Von Roo loves fun. Saturday is pretty cool because it has the word sat in it. Sitting around and not doing work is very appealing. The other days are okay. I'm not sure what a Tues or a Thurs is but if I figure it out I'll get back to you. But MONDAY? MONDAY is a day filled with more misery than every grey pet in Neopia combined. From the second you wake up you know it's going to be horrible. You have a Gruslen lying on your face and a Puppyblew lying on your feet and your pillow is on the floor. You can smell something burning in the kitchen and someone left a Moehawk speaker blasting at full volume in the room next to yours. Your shoes are floating in a birdbath on the front lawn and your socks are stuffed into a flowerpot and you don't even want to know where your jacket is.

     Breakfast is burned toast and scorched eggs courtesy of your loving Neopets who have decided to pursue careers as amateur chefs. You spend most of breakfast time trying to remove the Angelpuss clinging to your pant leg with a death grip because SOMEONE forgot to fill her dish. Afterward your three youngest Neopets go frolicking out the door to school. They frolic back in a minute later because it is pouring down rain and they have no umbrellas. You can only procure two umbrellas, so the third unlucky pet must use a lunchbox to cover his head. They grumble as they stroll down the front walk, stepping in puddles and effectively ruining the special Yooyuball-approved 5000-Neopoint sneakers you bought for every one of them.

     Now it's time for you and your eldest Neopet to circle around the globe and perform what most Neopians refer to as "dailies." First up is the Fruit Machine, which, despite its incredibly misleading name, is not a machine. It is, in fact, three Lost Desert natives dancing around and holding up cards with pictures of fruit. Matching fruit will give you a win, but no such luck today because it is MONDAY. You get three different fruits and are told to come back tomorrow, which of course you will even though your chances of winning are smaller than Balthazar's brain.

     Not too far away in this magical poorly named desert of prosperity is none other than the shrine dedicated to the late Coltzan III. Your eldest Neopet approaches what is essentially a tall slab of rock with hieroglyphics scrawled across the surface. You wait in suspense even though it is MONDAY and you know the outcome can't be good. Your Neopet rolls their eyes in disdain at their hands, which are glowing a rather uncommon shade of blue. This has happened many a time before, only now their hands won't STOP glowing a rather uncommon shade of blue. They will glow all day, prompting passers-by to stare and point and sometimes laugh, and do you know why? That's right. MONDAY.

     Onward you and your freakishly blue-handed companion trek, all the way to Mystery Island (the mystery is why anyone would want to live there in the first place) and head directly towards the ill-fated box operated by everyone's favorite Crazy Mask Guy, the Tiki Tack Man. He prompts you to stick your hand (or paw) in the box and blah blah blah you know the rest. You draw out a ticket and GUESS WHAT? We have a loser! You drew a 31 and YOU DON'T EVEN GET A BOOBY PRIZE. But by now you know why.

     The next adventure on our list is THE WHEEL OF EXCITEMENT. Sounds fun, right? That's what the Faeries would have you believe, sure. But once you give that promising-looking rainbow wheel a hefty spin, an enormous bolt of lightning crashes down from nowhere and toasts your poor pet. Now they have glowing blue hands AND smoky blackened fur and not a thing to show for it. You look at them apologetically as you head in the direction of the Healing Springs.

     Even though it's MONDAY, you think out of all the things that can go wrong nothing bad could ever come of visiting the kind Water Faerie. You step up to get your Neopet healed and she slaps a tan-colored potion in your hand. It is a Healing Potion I, which your pets snatches from your hand instantly. They gulp it down as fast as they can without choking themselves. You wait patiently for their condition to improve but nothing happens. Wait. Something did happen. Their fur went from smoky toasty just-got-hit-with-a-lightning-bolt black to a much softer, more pleasant punched-in-the-face-by-the-Ghost-Lupe dark grey! Because that's all Healing Potion I is good for, and it's MONDAY.

     So your theory now is that is cannot possibly get ANY worse than it already is. Unfortunately, there is a law that as soon as you say or even think that it can't get worse, THEN IT WILL. So you and your dark grey blue-handed freak of nature go frolicking off to the fishing hole. Nothing bad can happen when you're fishing, right?


     Okay so you decide not to go fishing. It's best to avoid situations where you are smacked in the face with an old boot or eaten by a monstrously over-sized squid. Instead you go to the MONEY TREE, where obviously nothing bad can happen because the word money is in it.

     People are running all around that tree, some of them even climbing on it and clinging to it, kind of like Flouds when you feed them carrots. You wait calmly for an opening. Calmly. Being perfectly calm. Being quiet and calm. Very calm.

     Until you spot the opening. Once you spot it, you are screaming like an maniac and shoving people out of the way. You might have even bit someone back there. Your fingers close in around the little sack of Neopoints that will surely bring you temporary bliss to what has so far been a pretty crappy day. You lift the bag up in the air with delight on your face, promptly breaking out in a disturbing and somewhat violent victory dance. But as you dance, a blue Shoyru swoops down faster than you can say 'OHEMGEE' and snatches the bag from your hands.


     THAT THIEF. But since he flew away already there's not much you can do about it, considering you don't have wings. With a loud sigh you take your pet and wander off to find another daily to do. What's left? The Snowager is out of the question, since you like not being dead. You don't have a Petpet with you, which makes the Symol Hole and Turmaculus pointless to visit - who on earth would want their poor Petpet to wake up a giant Petpet or climb into a tiny, dark hole anyway? You decide that there is only one option, and that is none other than the giant Omelette. You and your pet are hungry after all. The Giant Omelette (where you get free omelette) is the only place where you are sure to get free food, because there is no Giant Jelly (where you get free jelly) so it is off to the Tyrannian Plateau you go.

     Despite violating numerous health code violations, the Giant Omelette is delicious and free for everyone. You happily pick up a plain slice for you and your toasty pet to share.


     Figures. Naturally you reach for another slice. Sabre-X won't notice, right? Unfortunately, that guy has eyes and ears like something with really good eyes and ears. He leaps in front of you and screams that you can only take one slice per day. You inform him that the Pant Devil stole the first slice. He informs you he doesn't care. So with yet another daily failed, you and your pet begrudgingly head for home. It's not like it will be any better there, but at least there won't be any lightning bolts or thieves.

     Your stomach growls loudly the whole way home, and when you open the door, you almost fall over from hunger. You head to the cupboard to fetch your Neopet a bone - I mean nutritious source of nourishment - and instead find three two-week-old cans of Mushy Musho Peas. MMM.

     You dig your spoon halfheartedly into the rather squishy meal of peas while your pet just stares at them. You glance out the window and wonder if tomorrow's round of dailies will turn out any better. And they might. After all, today was MONDAY; it was naturally horrible. I still haven't figured out what a Tues is, but it doesn't sound all that bad. Heck, anything sounds better than MONDAY.


     Were you waiting for some big ending event?

     'cause I don't have one.


The End

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