teh 1337est n00zpaper Circulation: 149,520,230 Issue: 285 | 30th day of Running, Y9
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

The Secret Diary of Danner Carnahan

by nimras23


This is the companion story to “The Secret Diary of Jeran Borodere” that was published in issue 233. While covering the same events, they are told from different people’s points of view and each can be read as a stand alone story.

Entry 1:

Kingdom wide summons are never a good thing. I learned this way back as a page. So why does everyone get so excited when King Skarl orders the army to mobilize? You’d think they’d complain and maybe wonder why the orders were sent out in the first place. Maybe it’s something in the water.

I’ve also decided I need a bigger pack. I can either fit extra food or extra bolts for my crossbow. You’d think who ever issues these things would realize I need both. Choices, choices... What’s a blue Wocky to do?

Entry 2:

Well, I may have to admit His Majesty was right to bring us all back to the castle. It seems General Kass has changed his name to Lord Kass -- and the Citadel to the “Kass Citadel.” What’s next, calling the citizens “Kassites”? “Kassians”? “Kassers”? I’m the first to admit that we all get a little jumpy when changes start happening up there, but some of the other knights are complaining that we’re over-reacting.

On a related note, a group of knights (me included) has been ordered to go check out some rumors of a monster up to the north in case it’s some sort of plot by Lord Kass. Personally, I’d think Kass would do something a little more direct -- fireballs from the Citadel or the like -- but no one listens to me.

Entry 3:

We were supposed to spend the night at the inn in Hope River. But guess what, we’re not. Glorious leader, also known as Sir Jeran Borodere, lead us down the wrong road and now we’re miles from who knows where in the mud, muck and rain instead of a nice warm bed. Don’t get me wrong; Jeran’s a nice guy, but he’s really not the brightest crayon in the crayon box sometimes.

I think he’s cracked from the stress of the fangirls. He keeps jumping at small shadows, and insists on sleeping closest to the fire because he thinks the light will keep them away. Picture this, a giant blue Lupe huddled up by the fire hiding from the shadows. It’s pathetic.

We’ve heard even more rumors of that monster. From the locals I’ve talked to, it sounds less like a monster and more like someone who’s gone mad. Sometimes you’ll get the odd sorcerer who didn’t manage his spells properly and got caught a little close to an enchantment. I’ve met a Kau wizard who thought he was a Doglefox once; it sounds like something similar happened here. Most of the rest of the knights think it’s just a bunch of superstitious peasant talk.

Entry 4:

I think Skarl may have been onto something by sending us out here. Unbeknownst to Jeran, the road he took us down put us directly beneath the Darigan Kass Citadel. Oh joy.

I think they’re having some kind of rally; there seems to be a lot of fires, and lots of shouting. Either that or it’s a really bad play up there, because I hear occasional bursts of “Booo!” from the audience. If it is a play, I hope they don’t hate it so much they pitch the actors over the side of the --

Entry 5:

Well, that was creepy. Just as I was writing about how horrible it would be if some actor got pitched over the side of the Citadel, a large Grarrl came flying out of the air above us and landed on a supply wagon.

Oh, and despite what Jeran claims, I do not scream like a girl.

Entry 6:

I was just slightly startled, and may have squeaked a little bit; very different than a scream.


Entry 7:

You know, it’s just occurred to me that if I hadn’t written anything about the whole scream vs. squeak thing down, it wouldn’t have been recorded for all time. Hmm... I think I’ll discuss how Jeran seems to be obsessed with this new dancer girl Skarl got instead. That makes me feel much better.

Apparently Skarl got a new dancer Aisha girl in the court. Somehow Jeran’s gotten it into his mind that this is the one girl in the whole of Neopia who doesn’t fangirl him. I have no clue how he got this idea, as he knows absolutely nothing about her. But now he’s pouting about how Skarl is trying to keep him from the one girl who doesn’t fangirl him.

Save me.

Entry 8:

Hope River at last! A warm bath to get the mud out of my fur and a soft bed to crash on, thank the Fortunes. It’s not that I mind going out and doing the ‘knight’ things, but some of the stuff that comes with it really isn’t very fun. Like sleeping in the mud. And Spyders. Oh, how I loathe Spyders.

Anyways, the entire village was overjoyed out our arrival. Apparently there was some big commotion going on last night, and the town was convinced that Kass’s attack was imminent. Jeran managed to calm them down. I guess his big, official looking scowl is good for something after all. Either that or no one wanted to mess with a sleep deprived, slightly psychotic looking Lupe.

Entry 9:

I never got a chance to use that deliciously soft sounding bed. Last night while taking a walk I noticed some strange movement off in the trees. Using my special Wocky stalking abilities, I snuck up and got a good look at a bunch of big, wheeled war machines making their way down to the village.

Not good.

So I ran back as fast as I could and raised the alarm, of course. Jeran teased me a bit at first about being afraid of monstrously large Spyders or something, but when the war machines burst into view over the hill he yelped and starting blurting out orders. Something along the lines of getting all the civilians to the woods; except the civilians must have panicked or something, because they started attacking us!

You know, when I signed up to be a knight I don’t recall reading anything about being attacked by mobs of peasants with pitchforks being in the fine print.

Entry 10:

The fastest Uni in the troop was kind enough to give me a lift to Meridell Castle and back to deliver a message to King Skarl. While I was there, Jeran’s sister Lisha (who is scarily powerful and far more intimidating than her brother) broke some sort of spell that the Dancer was using, transforming her into a really hideous purple... thing. I’m not entirely sure what was going on, but Lisha sent me back to Jeran with a long letter that apparently explained it all. Something about a dancer’s curse hypnotizing people.

Skarl’s ordered us back to the Castle. When I passed on those orders, most of the troops weren’t happy. I think they wanted to charge up onto the Citadel and end this war. Since we’re apparently at war... And things were just getting interesting too. I’m getting tired of this back and forth business. All I really want is a fourteen hour nap, but I have guard duty tonight.

Entry 11:

I warned everyone that I was exhausted from my ride to Meridell Castle and back. But did they listen? Nooo... And then they have the nerve to get mad at me for dozing off during guard duty.

It’s not my fault fangirls kidnapped Jeran in the middle of the night!

He managed to escape after a couple hours anyways, so it all turned out just fine. Now the troops are all glaring at me for letting their beloved leader fall into the hands of fangirls. Hello! He’s the one who lead us off in the wrong direction in the first place! Have they forgotten that night spent in that muddy swamp when we could have been safely snuggled up in Hope River?

I’m trying to not be paranoid, but I think some of them are planning revenge. The number (and size) of Spyders I’m seeing seems unusually high for this time of year...

Entry 12:

So there I was, happily snuggled in my warm bedroll, dreaming of fresh steaming waffles with gallons of syrup... and I feel something wiggle in my bed. Like a skittery, creeping, jittery wiggle. A very creepy wiggle. A very... Spydery wiggle.

Yelping, I escaped from the twisting bedroll as quickly as I could, only to find a dozen or so Spyders who had been sharing my warm sleep.

EWWW! I’m nauseous just remembering it.

I have no idea who put them in my bed, but when I find out who it was they’re going to be very sorry.

Entry 13:

I’d also like to reiterate that I didn’t scream when I found the Spyders in my bedroll. Despite what everyone else says.

Nor have I ever killed a petpet with the high pitch of my (non-existent) screaming. Who comes up with this stuff anyways?

Entry 14:

And we’re back at Meridell Castle. A group of advisors ran out to greet us, with troubled looks asking us what we should do.

“Attack the Citadel?” I said, figuring it was the only obvious solution.

Jeran paused for a moment, appearing to be deep in thought. “Attack the Citadel!” he declared, and they all congratulated him on his genius. I think I’m missing something here.

Hopefully the attack goes according to plan. I’m the first one to admit that it’s a desperate one, and I’m not really sure what will happen if it fails. I suppose it would help if we knew why Kass attacked in the first place.

Entry 15:

Well, as far as last stands could go... I’m not sure how ours went. We certainly didn’t lose -- but I’m not exactly sure if we won or not either. Let’s see, Jeran got pitched over the side by the psychotic warlord Eyrie, but was caught by a Faerie on the way down. I was knocked unconscious by a Darigani Kassite (Kassper?) guard, but came to with a suddenly-not-dead (undead?) Lord Darigan staring me in the face.

That was a rather startling experience.

Kass was gone; I guess he and Lord Darigan had an epic battle while I was knocked out. Then we had to go and reset the Citadel engines because they were overheating. Something about Kass straining the engines by making the Citadel hover too high; I’m not really sure how it all works. Magic makes far more sense to me than whatever mechanical things keep the Citadel in the air.

But it seems to have all ended well. Lord Darigan singlehandedly ended the war and surrendered, the treaties are all supposed to be drawn up, and Kass seems to have perished.

Gee, where have I heard all that before?

Let’s hope this peace lasts considerably longer than the last one; I need a break.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


the Gryphon Files
Shh... don't go waving that around!

by light_element94


Plushie Randomness

by goodie_2shoe8


Evil Feepit #16
And that's why you don't have any friends...

by fmoura_98



by edddibgaz

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.