Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 110,063,438 Issue: 169 | 10th day of Celebrating, Y6
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One Angry Kyrii: Part One

by buddy33774


Hawkins laid down his pen, leaning back from his desk contently. After nine straight, grueling hours of writing, working through the night into the morning, he'd finally finished it - his next great article! Six pages of pure unadulterated genius - a splendid article on how to raise petpets (something Hawkins was sure no one had ever thought to write about before) which he was sure would be accepted.

      Dark circles beneath his eyes, the green Kyrii wandered out from his bedroom and into the main living room of the apartment he shared with a certain red Lenny.

      Speak of the devil, there he is now!

      Lennert stood in the middle of their kitchenette, obviously (making an attempt at) cooking breakfast while he stood behind a pan of bacon with some pieces of bread sitting on the counter waiting to be toasted, an apron around his front. When the Kyrii walked out, Lennert turned, smiling wildly. "Morning, Hawkins! Sleep well?"

      Hawkins, too content to worry about why his roommate was so darn cheery, or why he was cooking breakfast again, just smiled back, sleepily. "Oh, I didn't sleep at all! But I'll tell you what I did do-"

      "Finish writing you're article?"

      "…Yeah…" Hawkins was a bit taken aback by the Lenny's guess. "How'd you know?"

      Lennert shrugged. "Lucky guess." He paused, looking around the apartment, a bit confused. "Something about this feels familiar…"

      "Oh… Well, I'd better be getting to work," Hawkins replied. As he crossed the room and reached for the door, the Kyrii stopped, looked back, and pointed at Lennert. "Ummm, just out of curiosity, you don't happen to have a flamethrower under there, do you?"

      Lennert shook his head. "I'm just trying to cook bacon," he replied, motioning to the frying pan cooking on the stove before him. As he did so, a huge flame shot up from the pan, reaching three feet into the air; the Lenny didn't even notice.

      "Okay..." nodded Hawkins, eyeing the pillar of fire coming out of the frying pan. "Well, just try not to burn the apartment down." And with that, he opened the door and walked out.

     Lennert just smiled, turning back to the burning bacon, still not noticing the tower of flame in front of his face. "Pssh. Now, why would he say a thing like that?"

     Hmmmm… why indeed…

Neopian Times HQ, Brintle's Office

      Hawkins worked (less than proudly) at the Neopian Times - Neopia's premier news magazine (as well as its only one), where he held the prestigious job of Reporter/Writer. Or something like that. Even Hawkins wasn't sure what his exact job was. But he got paid. And that's all that really mattered to him.

      Hawkins strode proudly into the office of his boss, a white Blumaroo who answered to the name Mister Brintle. The Kyrii wore a wide, victorious smile on his face. He marched right up to the desk, slammed his article down on the top - and looked up only to realize the office was completely empty!

      "Uhhh, Mister Brintle?.." Hawkins' eyes glanced around the room, confused. The room was completely devoid of any Blumaroos… or so it would've seemed…

      "What?! Who's there?"

      The voice, along with some rustling sounds, came from beneath the desk. Curious, Hawkins leaned over the top of the desk in wonder - only to jump back in surprise as a certain white Blumaroo popped out from underneath it, startled.

      "Oh, Honkenson!" the Assistant Editor breathed, holding his chest in relief as he stood up. "It's only you! Thank goodness! I was just… ummm, looking for something…"

      Hawkins, bewildered, leaned over the desktop, trying to peer behind it. "Mister Brintle, were you… sleeping under your desk?..."

      "Oh, uhhh, no! Of course not!" the Blumaroo replied defensively, his eyes shifting side to side suspiciously. "I was just, ummm, searching for my shoes!" He let out a nervous cough.

     "But you don't wear shoes…"

     "Well, of course I don't, anymore - I lost them!" Brintle glanced down at his desk and noticed the Kyrii's article on top. "Oh! What's this?" He picked up the group of papers and started reading through it, nodding approvingly. "Well, Howkers, this is very good work!"

     "Howkers" grinned, impatiently waiting for what he knew was coming. "It is?!"

     "Yes. I really like it!"

     "You do?!"

     "Yes. And I believe there's only one thing to do with it…"


     Brintle looked up at the Kyrii, handing him the article. "Reject it."

     Hawkins' face dropped in surprise. "What?!..."

     "Sorry," the Blumaroo shrugged, sitting back in his chair, "but I just gave away our last space about an hour ago."

      Hawkins, green jaw agape, could only stare back in shock. "You did? To who?"

      "Stoneman3x," the Assistant Editor replied, adding a muttered, "of course, if maybe you'd remembered to pay your restaurant bills…"

     "What was that?"

     "Oh, nothing!" Brintle smiled. "Now get out - I have to keep looking for my socks."

     "You mean shoes…"

     Brintle scowled. "Yeah, uhhh, whatever. Just leave." He pointed to the door.

     Walking out, Hawkins closed the door behind him and leaned against it, paws clinched into tight fists, scowling. "Stoneman… You'll pay." The Kyrii fumed. "You'll pay, Stoneman! You'll pay dearly!"

     "Hey!" came Brintle's voice from behind his office door. "Some of us are trying to nap- I mean, search for our shoes in here! So would you mind making your horribly cliché death threats elsewhere?"

     "Hmmph!" Hawkins mumbled, stomping off.

Outside the Neopian Times HQ

      Stoneman3x, better known to the world as Stoneman, Stoney, Mister Pebbles, Mister Geological-formation, and about a million-and-one other names, walked out of the Neopian Times building, strolling down the paved walkway to the sidewalk, his long brown hair reflecting the sun almost as much as his brown eyes. The sky above was clear and cloudless as he strolled along merrily, a cheerful smile on his face and a black "Wock Till You Drop" tee on his back.

      Man, acceptance felt great!

      He had just reached the sidewalk when heard someone shout out "Hey Stone!" from behind.

      Stone turned back to see a familiar Kyrii storming towards him, eyes narrowed. "Oh, hey!" the human greeted with a smile, extending his hand to shake. "Hawkins, look, I heard about your article, and I just wanted to say good try and better luck next-"

      "You're gonna die, Stone!" The Kyrii cried, lunging at Stone's chest and knocking him to the ground

      "Help! Someone, help!" the human cried, trying to shield himself as the Kyrii scratched at his face. "I'm being attacked by a crazy Kyrii, and he's going for my beautiful face! Oh gosh, please, someone, save my face!"

      A few random people stopped to watch the scene, mouths agape. "Oh no!" one random person shouted. "Stone's in trouble! We have to do something or that Kyrii might hurt him!"

      "Or even worse," cried a second, "he might hurt the lucky green boots!"

      "Get him!" shouted a third.

      All at once, a whole mop of people converged on the two, trying desperately to pull them apart. After a few seconds, Hawkins was able to climb above the swarm of people, crackling hysterically. "I've got his boot!" he shouted, waving one of Stone's trademark lucky green boots in the air. "I've got his boot! I've got his boot! I've got his boot! Hahahahaha!!!"

Neopian Central Courthouse, a few days later…

     *BANG! BANG! BANG!*

      The judge, a blue Eyrie garbed in a black judge's robe, banged his gavel loudly, calling the court to attention with an, "Order! Order!"

      The courtroom was an average-looking courtroom, with white walls, rows of benches in the back for seating, and short, waist-high fence separating the seating area from the judge, plaintiff, and defendant.

      It was packed full for the trial, with journalists, reporters, and other curious people alike all crowded together - everyone wanted to see this trial. It wasn't everyday that the greatest author in Neopia was attacked by an insane Kyrii!

      Stone sat to the judge's left at the plaintiff's table. He resided in a wheelchair, his leg propped up in a cast, his neck in a brace. Hawkins, in the mean time, sat at the defendant's table to the right.

      "Hawkins," said the blue Eyrie of a judge, turning to the green Kyrii, "you are hereby charged with Assault, Battery, Assault with Battery, Battery with Assault, and Assault while Attempting Battery. Do you have any legal counsel to defend you?"

      Hawkins nodded grimily, motioning to the pet sitting next to him - a wide-eyed, goofy-grinned Lennert. And he was wearing a cool business suit!

      Lennert patted his roommate's arm reassuringly. "Don't worry," he comforted. "I know exactly what I'm doing - I'll get you out of this!" He stood up, adjusting his fancy-looking suit and tie. Grinning and waving at the judge, Lennert greeted with a "Hiya! I'm Lennert!"

      The judge eyed the Lenny suspiciously, unimpressed. "And you're this pet's legal council?..."

      Lennert rolled his eyes. "No, I'm his lawyer." He turned to Hawkins, whispering (though, loud enough for the whole room to hear) "Boy, this guy sure is stupid, huh?"

      Hawkins buried his face in his paws. This wasn't going to end up good…

      The judge sighed. "How do you plead?"

      "I plead ignorance, you honor," Lennert replied, standing up straight.

      The judge stared back, blankly. "… That's not one of your options…"

      "Oh no, I'm serious!" Lennert replied, shrugging his shoulders and smiling, embarrassed. "I mean, really - I have no idea what I'm doing here! This suit? It's a rental!" Lennert reached down and held up a book titled "The Book of Law". "Seriously, I have no idea what this thing says - I carved out the inside and use it to hide the money I steal from Hawkins!"

      "Hey!" Hawkins cried out from behind.

      Finished, Lennert retook his seat next to his client, who seemed less-than pleased with the Lenny's defense - judging by the shocked, pale white look on his face.

      "Do you have any idea what you just did?!" Hawkins whispered exasperatedly to his "lawyer".

      "Of course!" Lennert replied, waving his wing as if Hawkins was being silly. "See my plan is simple - I'm gonna pretend to be stupid now, then turn around and get us a miss-trial later!" Lennert tapped his head, grinning. "Genius, huh?"

      Hawkins, wearing a look of complete fear, was too shocked to reply.

      The blue Eyrie judge let out an exasperated sigh, putting his face in his paws. "Okay, then. Well, in that case, Hawkins, I hereby find you guilty of all charges."

      Lennert raised his wing in the air, wiggling it like a schoolboy who knew the answer to a question. "Umm, wait a minute. Doesn't it say somewhere in The Book of Law about a trial or… something?"

      "Have you read The Book of Law?"

      "Uhhh… no…"

      The judge shrugged. "Then it doesn't say that." He turned to face Hawkins. "Hawkins, as punishment for your crimes, you are hereby sentenced to undergo anger management therapy and counseling." He grabbed his gavel. "Court dismissed!"


      And with the fall of the judge's gavel, everyone in the courtroom began to file out. As Hawkins got up from his seat, Stone wheeled himself over in his wheelchair, neck-brace and leg-cast and all, but still smiling.

      "Look Hawkins," he began, "I'm really sorry about all this. Tell you what - you just apologize and I'll tell the judge to take back the punishment. Then, we can just forget about this whole thi-"

      "Die Stone!" Hawkins cried out, enraged, tackling the author to the ground.

      Some guys will never learn…

To be continued...

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