There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 113,881,443 Issue: 159 | 24th day of Gathering, Y6
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How to Become a Non-Stereotypical Hero


by extreme_fj0rd

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Um, hi. Remember me? I’m the spiffy, cool, and awesome (fj0rd’s pets: lazy, weird and wacko) extreme_fj0rd who did that REALLY SPIFFY article about how villains can become nonstereotypical. Well, guess what? I’m back! No, really. I am. What, you already knew that? How about this, then... I’m back, with another article—this time about heros! And no, not the sandwiches. Sorry.

Step one: Get over to the Rainbow Pool! Er, get painted.

Yes, that’s right. Everyone expects a hero to be painted Royal, or maybe they’re some ordinary Blue Lupe who stumbled through a time-space continuum and landed a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away... er, Meridell. Well, if you want to really be the unexpected hero, try something new and daring. What about being a Sponge Grundo? Maybe it’s not that great if you happen to fall into a random lake, but at least if there’s a drought going on, you can hike twenty miles to the nearest flowing stream, soak up water, and trek back. It’s the squeezing yourself out part that’s a pain, or so I assume... Snot is also very unexpected. In fact, people will probably think you’re a villain if you spring for this colour! And when you’re rescuing the sick little Techo from the burning building, if he/she happens to sneeze on you, your uniform will still stay the same pristine... er... slimy, drippy snot colour. Wait. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Plushies are odd as well, but I do not suggest this colour. If you are trapped in a burning building yourself, there’s a very little chance that some Snot Meerca will come bursting through the door to rescue you, and plushies, erm, burn easily. Ahem. Next! I also do not suggest Baby. Even if you have superpowers... well, just imagine if you have the ability to leap tall buildings with a single bound, but you can’t take even a single bound... nope, crawling for you, kiddo! (no, not child_dragon. The Baby pet, you hear me? The Baby pet! –is mobbed by child_dragon’s fans-) Er. Let’s move on, shall we?

Step two: Don’t you dare make brave speeches. Ever. Nope, none of those at all. NEVER, YOU HEAR ME?!!

Eheh... yes. If you’re confronting the villain (which you can spot because he or she looks innocent, doesn’t say ‘muahahaha’, has fashion sense, and is toting a copy of my last article...), don’t be brave. Yes, that’s what I said. Any sensible person would be hiding behind something. Anything. Even that killer robot that’s slowly advancing on you.. Hey, where’d that come from? To continue. Hide at once. Or, better yet, never leave your house at all. Let a mob of citizens carry you out. An unwilling hero is really original... or isn’t... whatever. And when you’re hiding, do NOT under any circumstances poke your head up to taunt the villain! ..Do it where he/she can’t shoot at you while you’re taunting them. If you must make a brave speech, do it with a quaver in your voice. “D-doctor S-sloth, I-I’ve c-come t-to d-defeat y-you,” is what you should sound like. No “Doctor Sloth, I have come to defeat you!” in ringing tones for any non-stereotypical hero under my supervision! Wait a minute... there aren’t any non-stereotypical heroes under my supervision... or any stereotypical ones for that matter... Oh well.

Step three: Do not, under any circumstances, carry a weapon.

This step may seem redundant to those of you that have studied the way of NeoFu, but if you are in fact a ninja Kiko (Or ninja anything else for that matter), for the sake of Fyora don’t wear your NeoFu uniform to confront a villain! That way he/she will know that you know that he/she knows that you know that he/she knows that... wait. I’m confusing myself again. If you aren’t a master of NeoFu, buy a Usuki NeoFu outfit (yes, even the boys), get Kayla or Kauvara to mix up an enlarging potion (for this I’d ask Kauvara, unless you want it to suddenly shrink again—a most embarrassing scenario), and voila! There you have it. Make sure your belt is black. If the villain thinks you know NeoFu, he or she will respect your skills... even if you don’t have any to begin with.

Step four: Don’t wear makeup or fashionable clothes. Ever.

This one’s almost self-explanatory; if there’s a hero, his armor is never falling off in pieces. His sword is always gleaming. If it’s a heroine, she’s never wearing armor (or sometimes that’s all she’s wearing), she’s wearing makeup, and her clothes/armor are always fashionable. She always ends up pressing the right switch by accident, too. How annoying.

Step five: Try to take over Neopia. Yes, that’s what I said.

If you’re trying to take over Neopia, no one suspects that you’re a hero in private! ..Unless of course the word’s spread about Darigan changing sides. Then they might suspect you. I’d suggest trying for the other side of Neopia first, as they haven’t been in communication with Virtupets (probably) and don’t probably have as advanced weaponry. Then try for the Haunted Woods. I mean, really. People have tried to take over in Lost Desert, Meridell, Tyrannia, Happy Valley, Virtupets, er... that’s about it. I think. Anyway, most of the people in the Haunted Woods would love to see the ruler-ship-ish-ness in the hands of a villain—or they think you’re a villain. Remember, you haven’t revealed your true status as a hero. Yet. After those two are under your control, get Krawk Island. That wouldn’t be too hard, as all you have to do is find the strongest pirate, defeat him or her, and take up ownership. That is, if you can defeat the strongest pirate. Maraqua’d be next, I suspect. Then launch a double attack from Krawk Island and Maraqua on Mystery Island. When refugees start washing up in the Haunted Woods, kindly take them in.

Pretty soon you’ll have the island to yourself. From there you can shoot at Terror Mountain, and there aren’t many people to defeat up there. Just battle the Snow Faerie, maybe win at Cliffhanger, hope the Poogle Racers aren’t around, and all you have to do is deal with those pesky Chias (ship them off for a vacation in Mystery Island) and the Shop of Mystery Ixi (I’d advise sending her to Mystery Island, too—after all, it’s MYSTERY Island). Launch an attack on Tyrannia from there and people from Neopia Central won’t be able to reach the battle to beat you back. Go for Lost Desert next, get Neopia Central, then Meridell—I mean, really; the place has fought off two attacks already, I’d get most of Neopia under my control before trying for them—and finally Faerieland. Oh, and make a deal with Dr. Sloth to give him some parcel of land. Maybe the tip of Terror Mountain.

Whaddaya mean, those’re my plans for world domination? I’m not stupid enough to put my world domination plan in the NT... well, maybe I am. But let’s forget about that.

Step six: Get put in jail.

Yep, that’s what I said. Now that you’re supreme ruler of Neopia, you can arrange a scandal and get pushed off the throne by Fyora or someone. That pretty much guarantees you a one-way ticket to jail. (Did I say one-way? I meant two-way, of course.. eheh). Some ideas for scandals:

  • Put on clothes and dance around in Neopia Central (“Gasp! That person/pet/thing is wearing CLOTHES! Call in the Defenders of Neopia!”)

  • Win at Test Your Strength. Everyone knows it’s rigged, so they’ll suspect you of rigging it in your favor, thus creating a scandal... or maybe an overload of traffic going to the Haunted Woods to see if they can get your kind of luck.

  • Make an announcement that –blocked- exists! Instant scandal, guaranteed.

  • Release a game where you have to feed pets asparagus.

  • Take away all the White Weewoos, put them in –blocked- eating green jelly, and blame it on Sloth when you’re discovered. Or threaten to do so, at least.

So there are six easy steps to follow and become a non-stereotypical hero... and here is extreme_fj0rd, signing out.

 
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