Well, I think we’ve waited long enough. Perhaps you’ve been wondering when you would hear from me... it’s been a while since I saved the world... and here I am, to bring you a wonderful self-esteem-raising column. I mean, really, honestly we could have come up with a better name for this... “Ask Armin,” how unoriginal can you get? Maybe “Someday Armin will take over the world so if you quit whining right now and be his friend instead he’ll promote you to something above ‘insignificant fleck of matter’.” Ahem, have I said too much? I thought so. Anyway, this was compiled of several letters I have received over the course of weeks. They are now here for public viewing! Shall we get on with it? All right. Here’s our first letter.
Lately my self-respect has dive bombed. Everyone’s teasing me because I’m really short and they are incredibly tall, and I just don’t get it. I need a self-esteem boost and a solution to my problem. Why do people put so much stock in looks anyway?
Undervalued in Altador
Didn’t give me much to work off of there, did you? Well, I can tell you something, buddy, I know exactly how you feel. Holy Fyora, can you imagine what I’ve gone through? Armin the Small! The Small! What kind of an honorable title is that?! Hannah’s called “Hannah the Brave”, and “Hannah the Quick”, or so she says anyway, but what do I get? The SMALL! I even saved Hannah and she would have DIED and I get to be called SMALL! Oh, lucky me! You think YOU’RE short, buddy, try thirty centimeters tall and then tell ME about tiny!
So therefore, no, I’m afraid I have no idea why people care so much about size or looks or anything of that sort. But maybe when you DO get taller, maybe you can go and point and laugh at short people. Minus me, ‘cause I offered words of wisdom in a time of great distress.
Gosh, that was harrowing. And now, onto our next letter!
I read your response to the letter sent by “Undervalued in Altador”, and I was NOT amused. It was very poorly done in every way I could think of. First of all, you failed to actually acknowledge their problem and attempt to help them, give them valid advice and offer sympathy. Rather, you went into a tirade about what happened to you and basically told them that they were whining, and they were a lot better off than you. And then, at the end, instead of offering a peaceful solution, you suggested blatant revenge. I mean, who do you think you are? Don’t you think that maybe people actually want your help?
Outraged in Shenkuu
Good golly gosh, what’s the use of attacking me for it? No one ASKED you to be amused. No one asked you for an editorial on my column. Who was aiming for well-done? Look, pal, my idea of good advice is a rant and revenge, okay? If you don’t like it, go complain to the editor who runs this paper. Otherwise, it’s not my problem.
Who do I think I AM? Why, I think I’m Armin “the Small”, a yellow Bori with horribly low self-esteem because he saved the world and still barely gets an credit. Furthermore, I never said this was to HELP people. For all you know, I created this column to leave whiny people in the dirt. There a problem, buddy? Or do you want to meet Armin the Small in the Battledome sometime? Eh? Honestly, stop being so picky.
—Armin the Sarcastic
P.S. That’s my new name. Like it?
Wow, I’m definitely suited for this job. Finally, I’ve found something I really love to do! Now, where did I put those icy snowballs....
I can’t believe all these plots! They defame so many names, only to have those names brought back again by some heroic deed. A lot of people might miss that conversion, and go on thinking that these people are bad people! Why do you think that is?
—Confused in Tyrannia
Do you mean people like Kanrik, Jazan, Nightsteed, Darigan, all those? Well, may I remind you that as they all started out working for the enemy, perhaps some people may not WANT to see these conversions. Maybe they just don’t think these people deserve a chance. And some of them don’t, too! I mean, take Jazan. He killed hundreds of people, tried to force Amira to marry him, time-shifted Sakhmet, destroyed the city, and then turned over to the good side as soon as something turned in his favor. That, my friend, can only be described in one word: selfish. Like I said, do they really deserve to work for the good side? A highly controversial issue, one that doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone and everything. People can believe what they like; not everyone needs to think the same thoughts.
In short, I can only come to the conclusion that the above was a needless plea for attention and not worthy of this column, even though it sure as heck was fun to answer. Good day!
Next! Come on, haven’t got all day here! ...Well maybe I do, but I’m really one for punctuality in the NT deadline sense. Hurry up, you lot!
Why do you have an advice column like this when we already have an Editorial section?
Curious in Faerieland
Um... well... gee. Good question. Maybe because I thought we needed an actual advice column, as opposed to Neopets help. Or perhaps I was just bored. I believe this is one issue on which we should just shrug and say, “Who cares? Enjoy it while it lasts.” Because, despite the fact that I haven’t really been helping anyone and I just put people down more often than not, you must admit, it has been great fun. I mean, come on, who hasn’t had fun with this column? Argh! Decisions, decisions... and now it’s up to you! Will you write more letters... or leave it to the Editorials?
Well, after I asked that question, the answer must have been the latter, because I didn’t get any more letters. But here it is, as much as I’ve got, and I sure hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did! ...What was that? Outside? By the chain-link fence? What? PICKETING?! Good Fyora, people are SO touchy these days! You’d think no one could take a joke! Hey, you! STOP THAT FOOLING AROUND IN MY BEANS!
The rest of this column has been lost due to being marked “unfit for general audiences”.