White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 135,120,768 Issue: 263 | 27th day of Collecting, Y8
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Halloween From the Masters


by callmelydia

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Imagine yourself in the situation I was in... I'd decided that Halloween this year would be the best event of the year- but I didn't know where to begin! I'm sure a lot of you have been in this situation, and it feels like there's nothing you can do about it. Well, this article is about one Neopian's struggle to create the best Halloween party ever, by trying to interview notorious villains. Probably because only one Neopian was stupid enough to do this. Me.

I took a look in the Gallery of Evil, and looked up the villains that were easier to locate and weren't just popping up all over the place. I decided that if I could interview them, then I could create a party worthy of its own place in the gallery of evil! Muhahahaha! *cough* Excuse me.

Jhudora

Me: Is it true that you and Dr Sloth are plotting to take over Neopia with your armies of meepits hidden away on Kreludor?

Jhudora: *shifty eyes* What a load of nonsense! *whispers into right arm of throne* Frank, we have a code 136- dispatch immediately!

Me: What was that?

Jhudora: Oh, nothing. You'll find out later.

Wondering whether I should find that statement exciting or alarming, I quickly moved onto the next question I'd prepared.

Me: What would you say is the evilest thing you've ever done?

Jhudora: *sinister smile* That would be telling, wouldn't it?

Me: So NOT, in your opinion, asking for an unbuyable, costing about 600K, with only one item on the trading post and the owner in another timezone sleeping?

Jhudora: Ah yes... that was a good day. But no, that is not by far the most evil thing I've ever done.

Me: *takes a step back* I'd really hate to see you angry then! I feel sorry for Illusen!

Jhudora: *whips head around* ILLUSEN? *coughs and glares* Did you just mention Illusen?

Me: Erm, yeah, hang on, the next question's about her... here we go. What do you actually think of Illusen?

Jhudora: That no good earth faerie! Who does she thinks she is, trying to stop me and Sloth taking over Neopia? She DESERVES TO BOIL IN MY CALDRON, BE EATEN BY MEEPITS, NO ONE WILL STOP ME ESPECIALLY HER SHE SHOULD GET PUT IN KING SKARL'S DUNGEONS AND LEFT THERE -

At this point, the meepits came to escort me away from their mistress. I was, at that point, almost glad to get out of there while Jhudora was throwing a temper tantrum.

Balthazar

Much as I tried to get an interview, when I showed up at Balthazar's Faerie Bottling Inc., I was told that there were no tours or school trips available, but that if I wrote a letter, some member of the company would eventually write back. Probably. Maybe.

They just laughed when I said that I needed to speak to Balthazar in person, and the fight that ensued between me and security was too humiliating to write down in detail. Disheartened, I set out to try and get my next interview, and show them that I was serious!

Count von Roo

As I sailed to Roo Island at 11pm NST, it struck me just how many people were also going to meet the Count in an hour's time. I realised that I might need to come up with a cunning plan to get there first...

After setting up a sign saying, "Count von Roo has gone for a snack at the bakery- find him there instead," I crept into the crypt at precisely fifteen seconds ahead of schedule.

"Count von Roo?" I asked cautiously,

"The Count is sleeping- it would be unwise to disturb him..." hissed a voice.

"But it's time!" I wailed

"It's still a few seconds off yet," it replied indignantly.

Suddenly the crypt creaked - and behind me was Count von Roo.

"Must get a new bed. I hear the furniture store's having a sale soon... Maybe I should write down a note about it-" He seemed to suddenly notice that I was there. "Didn't the creepy voice turn up today?"

"I did the best I could!" it hissed. "But it wouldn't go away!"

The Count sighed, but said in a dull tone, "Welcome to Deadly Dice. Would you like to-"

"No, no, no; that's not what I want!" I interrupted, "I'd like an interview instead, please. You have a lot of fans out there, you know."

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Ok, you have yourself a deal. I do get a bit bored of spending my only waking hour playing dice!"

"Great." I smiled. "Ok, first question. What made you choose to live here on Roo Island instead of in the Haunted Woods? Surely that would suit you better, especially as you're painted Halloween?"

"I'm not painted anything! Can't I wear a cape if I feel like it? To answer your first question, I've always loved Roo Island. I was born and raised here and bringing in tourists to play Deadly Dice helps the people here on this island make money."

"So what you're saying is that you live here because you want to help them, but you terrorise their towns at night?"

He nodded. I cleared my throat and continued.

"Right, if that makes sense to you, I'm sure it'll make sense to someone else out there as well. Second question - have you got any plans to release a piƱata version of yourself, as so many villains have done?"

"Goodness, no. It's beyond me to understand why anyone would want something that looks like them to be beaten with a stick by people! It's pure madness! And I'll have you know, I certainly don't contain or endorse candy in any way."

I was starting to think that the Count had rather strange logic, but I kept going for the sake of whomever may read the article.

"Is it true that you're going to be awake for the whole day on Halloween?"

"Yes, it is, why do you ask?"

"But isn't it vital for you to be protected from the sun? And if you can stay awake for that long, then why don't you stay awake for more than one hour any other day? Do you have to take a bath in suncream for Halloween? Is that why you don't do it every day?"

The Count gave me a death glare and snarled, poised ready to attack. Thinking fast, I yelled, "It's 1 NST already?" The Count yelped and quickly lay back in his coffin - slamming the lid shut after him.

"Hey wait!" I yelled. "I'm still not finished with the questions!"

"The Count is sleeping - it would be unwise to disturb him..." snickered the sinister voice once more. I checked my watch, squinting to see in the dark.

"But it's only been 10 minutes since he woke up!"

"That's what you get for being so rude. Besides, this isn't the worst of it..." I turned around to see a mob of angry von Roo fans, on their return from the bakery.

Only a plot device got me out of there alive, so anybody who wants to attempt a similar thing, you have been warned!

Though I tried to find other renowned villains, they had already heard through Jhudora and Count von Roo that I was on the prowl. However, next year they might let their guard down... but until then, I would have to use my own imagination for Halloween.

As it happens, I've just come up with a brilliant idea... NO, you can't use it!

Disclaimer: I have paid for all therapy needed by those involved in this article, so Jhudora and von Roo SHOULD be back to normal by now.

 
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