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Eat or Be Eaten - A Guide to Dangerous Neopian Foods

by merrydellillusen


NEOPIA CENTRAL - You're out picking berries, and your dear little Shoyru/Gelert/Aisha/whatever comes running to you with berry juice-covered paws, saying, "Look, I'm bleeding!" This harmless little joke is used millions of times in our pets' ... child... hood. But how many of you have had times where there're tears in place of giggles? And can you *really* be sure that's 'berry' juice? Today I'll take you on an intrepid quest of our very own Neopian food stores, and show you what NOT to eat.

1. First, we arrive at the Food Shop in Neopia Central. You can find various food items in the Food Shop (quite understandably), but how many of them really are what they seem? I mean, have you ever read the ingredients for Flotsam Flakes? ...Oh. They're made of fruit... But then there's the Hot Lime Jelly! It's nothing more than an entire jalapeno stuck in a blob of nonexistent jelly! How curious. Same goes for the Lemon and Thornberry Jelly. More nonexistent... ness... but this time with a special painful surprise at the center. Tsk, tsk. But we'd better move out before that Chia catches on...

2. Next stop (reluctantly), the Spooky Foods shop in the Deserted Fairgrounds. Even the shopkeeper's little mantra brings up an unhygienic mental image: "If it croaks, flaps, or slithers, chances are you can buy it here! Yummy!" Yummy? I think not - let's take a look at the wares. The foods you can find here just scream, "Health code violation!" For example... take the Almost Gummy Rat. Whaddya mean, *almost* gummy? Then there's that Spooky Gooplecream; let's just throw Petpets on a cone and call it food, why don't we? And don't even get me started on the Blumaroo Steak, the Sun Dried Techo Claw, or the Skeith Juice, or... er, that Bruce is starting to creep me out. Maybe we should continue to Meridell... *inches away*

3. Welcome to the... er... I think it's called 'Merifoods', but there's no official sign on the outside of the shop. But it's in Meridell, in any case. So, shall we delve into the secrets of the home-cooked, medieval 'goodies' awaiting us? Indeed. First, let's look at the Stone Soup. I'm sure we've all heard the story of the town that made soup out of a stone, but come on. They added carrots and peas and whatnot and etcetera, and removed the stone, but it seems our Meridellians have really taken the 'stone' part of it quite literally. Then there's the Meat Kebab - a slab of what looks like raw meat (from what; or who?) impaled on a knife. Who knows when that blade was last washed? Or how stale the Stale Bread is? Or how that simple-looking Meerca can get away with selling mouldy potatoes, smooshed tomatoes, and a bucket of slop? Let's move on.

4. Ah, the Lost Desert. More specifically, the Food Stall in Sakhmet. Shall we begin? First off, all those 'Sand' foods... Sand Pear, Sand Apple, Sand Banana, Sand Orange... and so forth. Are these so-called fruits really made of sand? Unless you have a large amount of water nearby (or perhaps a small tub), I wouldn't suggest experimenting. There's also a large array of burned or scorched food you can buy for at least 100 NP. Come on - if I want burned food, I'll go borrow my dad's grill and burn a Tchea fruit for free. What's in the Scarab Cookie, Scarabs? It's like Spooky Gooplecream all over again. Do I really want to ask what makes the Red Eye Egg... well, red-eyed? Do we really want to make the Grarrl shopkeeper angry? He's coming this way... we'd better go!

5. Well, I'll be darned. Perhaps Faerieland actually does meet Health Code standards... *sighs* Drat. Er, I mean... Good for them! Let's move on!

6. Ah, Krawk Island. Personally, one of my favorite of the Neopian worlds - except when it comes to food. For starters, that Lupe Mr. Grumpy-fur won't let you in the door without a dubloon. For the sake of intrepid reporter-ness, I dug one out of my SDB. The report must go on! Ahem. To the food... As it turns out, the Golden Dubloon is actually a restaurant (which is probably obvious anyway). It beholds such... delicacies... as Double Stuffed Guppy, a rather odd-looking dish consisting of one small fish stuffed into the mouth of another - and yet both fish smile. There's also Oyster Obsession - I for one am not going to get obsessed with oysters, thank you. Unless you'd like a bunch of angry pirates throwing you out, don't ask what's in the Krawk Pie. Really. Don't. Speaking of angry pirates, I think they've realized I'm not buying anything...

7. Tropical Food Shop, Mystery Island - the home of the unknown. The unknown fruits, that is. I mean, what exactly is a Nurako, or a Harffel Fruit, or a Jummie Roll, or a Toki- Takio- Tookie-... Taokicarrot? *twitch* The shop is also home to the (smiling) Pickled Eel, the Famous Crab Burger (claws added at no extra cost), and the Squirming Salad (don't ask why it squirms. Or how). Though, the Funnydew Melon, which can also be purchased there, is a rather unique fruit - it's so cute and smiley! Who knows why it smiles?

8. Last stop, Tyrannia! Who knows what prehistoric... er, wonders we will find in the local Tyrannian Foods shop? Ah, let's start with one of my favorites - the Primordial Thing. We don't know what it was, we don't know what it is now, but you can buy one for around 430 NP. Just don't look at it too closely. There's also the Archaesaurus Tail and the Nerkin Leg - Archae-what? Er... I'm afraid to speculate, but perhaps we've discovered what becomes of the very earliest Neopets... the ones TNT has discontinued. *shudders* The Meat A La Twig brings back memories of Meridell's Meat Kebab - and is probably just as sanitary. Er, that Chia... thing... is starting to make 'Ugga' noises... perhaps we should leave? One last inspection - what makes the Fuzzly Pear so fuzzly? ... Alright, Mr. Ugga, I'm going! *backs away*

That's all for today - I'd like to leave a few shops untouched so maybe the shopkeepers will actually let me buy some dinner. I hope you've learned a valuable lesson - though what that may be is entirely up to you. One last note before I end this report; I put up a poll in my guild asking everyone's opinion on where they thought the worst food in Neopia came from. The results were something like the following:

Haunted Woods - 8

Faerieland - 2

Mystery Island - 0

Krawk Island - 0

Thank you for reading, and have a great day avoiding some of the more dangerous foods of Neopia. Said foods are ploys of the Meepits, and eating them (the food, not the Meepits) will aid them in their quest to take over Neo- *cough* I mean... thank you.


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