Run for Your Lives! (A Guide on Self-Preservation)
Have you ever been in a situation where you're talking to a person who is vaguely
sinister and slightly threatening and you can't decide when to make your timely
exit before they do something vaguely sinister and very threatening to you? Well,
if you have (which I don't doubt we all have), then this is the guide for you!
Now, I'm sure you all know that there are many innocent ways in which you can
become involved in a conversation with a vaguely sinister and slightly threatening
person. For instance, while you were sitting inconspicuously on top of the Food
Shop trying to eat it to see if it would provide the perfect ingredient to your
ingenious mushroom ray, you realize that it is, in fact, brick, and you give
a large dramatic sigh and proclaim that since you failed, you would throw yourself
to your doom off the top of the giant burger, and when you try, you land on
a very large bystander's head. You inevitably begin conversation with him. It's
only polite; after all, you did land on his head. Anyway, even if that happens
(no comment on the whereabouts of the procuring of this information) you still
need this guide to help you. (And if you got that clue I so obviously dropped
earlier, please don't tell anyone - that hurt.) *rubs head*
So, the short word of it is, it's better to avoid being in contact with sinister
people at all. And no, your relatives don't count. They are not sinister. Generally.
But if you do, in any form or fashion including the situation above, contact
a sinister person or persons, you can follow these simple guidelines to hopefully
make it out. Not guaranteed, but helpful. And these are more of a social thing,
hence the term "conversation." If you are hogtied in a back room with the threatening
figure of sinisterness, this will not help. As in, at all.
But if you think you might have a conversation with your sinister-natured captor,
just tear along the dotted line on the edge of this paper, fold into square,
place in pocket, and ta-da! Handy carry-on survival kit. Just make sure they
don't see you reading this. I have enough people after me as it is. Well, I
better get going on this - my ride to Maraqua is almost here.
Phrases to Avoid:
Here is a list of phrases you might want to avoid if you do not want to provoke
a violent response from your vaguely sinister guest:
1. So, have you ever taken an interest in archery?
2. My, what large evil looking red-tinted eyes you have!
3. You know, I really think pink is your color. That whole creepy black thing
doesn't suit you at all.
4. What's your favorite recreational activity?
5. Do you want a piece of me?! I said, do you want a piece of me?!? Come on,
6. Well, I guess I'd better be going now. I probably won't ever want to see
7. When was the last time you took a bath?
8. ... or brushed your teeth?
9. Aren't those illegal?
Ways to Mend Those Stupid Phrases if You Actually Say Them:
If you were actually stupid enough to say those phrases and so provoke the
wrath of said sinister guest, here are some ways you can try to mend them. Please
note that I take no responsibility if they don't work at all. After all, you
were the one who said them. Just pick the phrase of your choice from below and
say it after the remarkably stupid comment just said! Some fit better than others,
but since you have about a 2% chance of them working anyway, it doesn't really
matter. (But you might as well - out of 100 testers, 2 of them actually survived!)
Our testers found that number 5 was most effective. Take a wild guess why.
1. Nothing personal.
2. ... Not that I mind.
3. No, I really didn't mean it that way...
4. I'm sorry. Really. Now please put that away.
5. I'll give you 20,000 Neopoints and a cracker.
6. ... okay, drop the cracker.
7. ... what about a sandwich?
8. ... I guess not.
9. You have beautiful eyes.
10. What a wonderful... um... laser gun you have there. Wherever did you get
When to Leave:
Now, if the situation gets out of hand (which it probably will), here are your
most convenient times to run like heck away from that sinister figure who is
probably by now threatening your life. Some are quotes from the sinister figure
of our example, after which you should immediately escape. Some are situations
after or during which you should make your timely exit. Most find the preferable
speed is mach 2.
1. "Oh really?" *reaches under coat for unknown sinister object*
2. Figure stands and towers over you, covering you in its sinister shadow.
(I find that this more commonly happens in movies, but in the rare occasion
that it does happen to you, the appropriate response is to follow your instincts
and scream like a baby and zigzag until you reach a tree, when you climb up
and try to "think happy thoughts.")
3. Figure decides to go to the bathroom, conveniently going the wrong way and
ending up right behind you.
3. Figure decides to show its all-out sinisterness and pulls out a sinister-looking
weapon covered in dials and switches and so obviously Sloth-like you wonder
that you didn't smell it before. (Have you ever smelled Dr. Sloth? A word of
4. Figure does the Happy Bunny Hop. (Hey, I've seen
5. "So... you ever want to go to Maraqua? Like, first class? Free?"
6. "Yeah, I really enjoy contact sports."
7. "BWAHAHA! I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD! PUNY MORTALS, BOW BEFORE MY AWESOMENESS!"
8. ... "And while you're at it, shine my shoes."
Well, there you have it. There are numerous more reasons why you should run,
scream, cover your head with your hands, or stick your head in the nearest hole.
But I don't have time to tell you them. And I never will. ...By the way, have
you ever wondered how the Turmaculus gets so fat on just Petpets?
...Not that I have anything to do with it. *shifty eyes*
I tell from experience. And let me warn you, there's danger around every bend!
It lurks behind every corner! It comes! It wants you! It will get you! Don't
close your eyes! IT WILL GET YOU! AAAAAAAAAGH! *runs away, trips, falls into
a hole, and starts hyperventilating*