Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 113,881,443 Issue: 159 | 24th day of Gathering, Y6
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Neopian Beards - Friend or Foe?

by frog_lovin64


Neck fuzz. Many of the pets in Neopia have this strange beard-like substance. It is a colorful collar of hair. All Eyries, Usuls, Yurbles, Cybunnies, and Tonus alike have this strange yet mysterious beard. Although many Neopians find this a cuddly feature, it strikes a rather large sum of fear into my soul. They could be hiding anything in that lump or fur just waiting to jump out at you! Sloth's Sludge Ray, Fishpops,...*shudder* even Adam. I know what you're thinking now. "Get rid of the creatures! They'll rob our neohomes! They'll make my baby Neopets cry! They'll make me hungry!" Luckily, you will be able to sleep tonight for I have discovered what these beards are for and they shall do no such rubbish, unless you have a strange craving for food.

The Eyrie

Ahh, a neopet worthy of it's name and of it's hair. Notice how the name Eyrie sounds a lot like ear-ie. Concentrate now...EAR-ie. Do you get it? I hope so. Anyway, Eyries use their neck fuzz as a third ear (as if you didn't know already)! The infamous Eyrie, Lord Kass, tried to LISTEN to his enemies in order to find out what they're afraid of. It didn't really work out too well for him, but that's not the point of this article. Anyway,Lord Kass isn't the only Eyrie with impeccable hearing! All Eyries are tri-eared! Even some of the Eyrie owners in Neopia have provided me with proof that this third ear truly does exist.

"He has such long hair, it needs to be groomed once every so often." -Dudalevine

"As for his favorite food, it would have to the pumpkin pie."-eitriarch

And there you have it. The third ear of the Eyrie (or should I say Ear-ie hehe...ok not funny) has managed to supply itself with numerous capabilities. Three cheers for three ears! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!

The Usul

The Usul fur collar was specifically hard to figure out. Every time I saw the Shadow Usul, it kicked me in the shin and then the Shadow Usul drifted off into well...the shadows. I tried asking Usul owners about the masses of hair below the head, but they just said it was for decoration. Decoration is a four letter word (Literately it's ten letters if you were wondering). I am determined to discover the true meaning behind this! Did you hear me? I said DETERMINED (ten letters again!)!

But until stop wanting to procrastinate on the subject, you'll be forced to read this special-chatspeak-explanation-that's-almost-cool. Decipher the following sentence and win a prize!

d3m pre++i3 +h!ng5 0n u$u1$ n3k5 r f@shunabl3

I was just kidding about that prize bit.

The Yurble

The newest edition to the hairy neck family (even though it came out a few months ago)! Well uhh, Yurble kind of have beards too uh...ok I didn't do any research on this one. You must be thinking "What? No Yurble beard news? You have massacred my childhood dreams! You have destroyed my every hope of growing a beard! You have robbed my mind of happiness!" Fear not, young Neopian! For this problem shall be solved with the help of my good friend, sulorongil.

FROGS-Good afternoon, my friend. If you were a yurble, could you tell me what that beard you have is for? I must say it is a marvelous wonder to me!

SULORONGIL-I really do not know the answer to that profound question. I suppose a Yurble might grow a beard to scare away predators, or more easily dance the Rumba.

She speaks the truth! Not only is the hair a stylish feature to the Yurble's adorable charm, but it also frightens the Snowager, Meuka, and even the battle faerie away!! And if I do say so myself, the Yurble neck fuzz gives great salsa lessons as well as the Rumba. I would include a step by step guide to this dance, but that would be off the subject. I WILL NOT GO OFF SUBJECT. I fear I have run out of time and I must continue to the next n-n-n-neop-pet.


This neopet sc-sc-scares me out of my w-w-wits. I am s-s-so sorry. I st-stutter when I-I'm afr-fr-fraid. Because well...along with the beard of doom, this creature also has that fluffy tail of doom and the tall ears of doom and a strange craving for carrots...of doom.

Okay I've gotten over the stuttering. Actually to be honest, I was just pretending to stutter (fooled you again, eh?). And while we're on the subject of honesty, I don't think Cybunnies are in fact "doomish", my breath is starting to smell like asparagus, and I put clear plastic wrap over Dr_Death's toilet seat. Notice how I cleverly said I would not go off subject seven sentences ago.

What's that you say? Am I hearing "Won't you tell us what Cybunny neck fur is for?" Fear not, young Neopian! For I have the knowledge you seek! Actually, it's obvious what their neck fur is for. Once I tell you what it's for, you will feel silly for not having thought of it yourself. It's a carrot-magnet of course! Why else would you be walking along with a delightfully orange carrot and it suddenly vanishes? Yes, I understand you could have dropped it in a mysterious pool of lava, but if there's a Cybunny around *shifty eyes* consider your carrot to be food (Not that it was edible BEFORE you lost that orange vegetable).

The Tonu

Thank heavens this is the last one! I'm running out of ideas! Whoops, I mean, I'm running out of ..er..IDOLS. Yeah! That's it! Idols! I envy those who have beards (who wouldn't?). Beards are so cool! Santa has a beard! Tonus have beards (Well actually it's more of a mane...eh, close enough.)! And of course Tonus use those manes, I mean beards, so conveniently! Think about it! It's warm, It's soft, It smells like peaches, it slices vegetables, it's a portable coat hanger, it burps like a real baby, it can beat you at poker, it gives haircuts, it pays your taxes, it does your chores, it helps pedestrians cross a street, it never needs bathing, it polishes your shoes, it talks to your plants, it talks to your mom, it makes yogurt, it glows in the dark, it helps you lose weight, and it comes with a free bumper sticker! Isn't that just grand?

Yes, I know what you're thinking now. You're thinking "Neopets with hairy necks are great! I want one! Gimme! Gimme!" I'm sorry to say that I cannot give you a hairy-necked neopet. But if you want one bad enough, try the pound or create your own! Then you can have one of these magnificent bearded creatures as your pet!

Phew! All of this lying to millions of Neopians for my own personal satisfaction is making me hungry! Do I need a pie break or what? Bye! You can go to doing whatever you were doing now....really you can go now....goodbye! *munch munch* I love pie. *munch munch* yummmm *munch munch* Oh you're still here? *munch munch* OK now leave. *Munch munch* Go! You're making me squeemish! *munch munch* C-ya! Aloha! AdiĆ²s!

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