Enter the Snowflake's lair... Circulation: 145,521,815 Issue: 253 | 18th day of Hiding, Y8
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Conundrum Confuzzlements

by daymarket


There are characters in our lives that always just seem to be there, and we never give a further question to who they are! Well, today, the mystery of at least one of these elusive characters is solved-namely, the Lenny Conundrum Lenny.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Lenny Conundrum Lenny. We don't really know anything about him besides the fact that he's the Archivist's nephew, and I bet nobody has ever bothered to ask! So, in the spirit of high adventure and curiosity, I set out from my Neohome to interview Mr. Lenny, with Slughorn, my Slorg, oozing merrily behind me.

(Well, not really high adventure and curiosity. I may be exaggerating it just a little bit. See, Kimiko was driving me crazy with her off-key singing, and then Takari pitched a fit because he didn't want to go to Neoschool, and then Xincata was screaming about how he didn't want to go the lab ray anymore. *shudders* Anyway, on with the story.)

I didn't know where he lived, so I decided to go to his workplace. I found him as per usual, which basically means he was waving his wand in the air. He caught sight of me and smiled a wide grin that was just so enthusiastic it had to be fake.

LCL (Lenny Conundrum Lenny): Welcome to Lenny Conundrum. Every week I will-

Me: Waitwaitwait! I'm not here about that, I need to-

LCL: What? You're not? What do you mean? Entering the competition is free, and all correct - hey, do I know you?

Me: Yeah! I'm the one who got the meepit plushie for you and then you ripped the head off.

LCL: Oh, yes. I remember that. No, I was talking about that conundrum the square root of the square of 5 plus the square of 12 weeks ago minus 4; didn't you compete in that one? You came in 2287.3 divided by 8.9th place-

Me: No wonder I didn't get the avatar! (sniffle)

LCL: No, sorry. Look, Ms.-

Me: Banny271243. Call me Banny. This is Slughorn. (points)

Slughorn: (grins cheesily)

LCL: Yes, of course. Ms. Banny, I'm a little busy right now; I have to prepare all these neomails telling users they got the right answer-

Me: I thought TNT did that! The neomail I got was from theneopetsteam...

LCL: (huffs) Yes, but I have to prepare them...

Me: (unconvinced) Uh-huh. Well, can't you just spare a few minutes for an interview? It's going into the Neopian Times.

LCL: (martyred sigh) Oh, all right. What're your questions? I can give you (checks nonexistent watch) a sixth of pi cubed minutes rounded off to the nearest minute. Ready, and go!

Me: Ah!! How long is that?!

LCL: Oh, five minutes.

Me: (grumbles) Why couldn't you just say that... 'K, Sluggy, give me the list!

Slughorn: (spits out wadded, slimy piece of paper and pencil)

Me: (uncrumples list) Okay. First question - what's your real name?

LCL: Um... skip this question.

Me: Why?!

LCL: Because... uh...

Me: Oh, come on. If I can live with numbers in my name, you can tell me yours.

LCL: (mumbles) Mrmrmbg.

Me: Eh?

LCL: (louder) joe_shmoe_attack_lenny41.

Me: Uh...

LCL: I knew you'd laugh! (starts to cry) See, you're laughing! Even the slorg is laughing!

Me: (looks at Slughorn) No, he's not. I think his face is stuck that way. (turns back to LCL) Oh, come on, don't cry. It's a... uh... interesting name. Seriously. I've heard worse.

LCL: Really?

Me: (crosses fingers) Uh huh. Yep.

LCL: (brightens) Thanks! All right, you can have an extra .9 pi minutes then. Go on.

Me: All right, cool! (consults list) Second question. Where did you come from? How did you get to be here, posing a new problem every week?

LCL: (reminiscent gleam) Ahh, now that's a long long story. It began when I was newly created, to an owner so long ago I can't remember her name. She wanted me to be a Battledome pet, but I hated going into that nasty place. I loved Neoschool, but she said book learning was useless and that I had to learn to fight, so one day at the training dojo I ran away. I stayed at Mystery Island for a while, but I'm not really a jungle pet, you know; it's far too humid. So I negotiated with a couple Flotsams for passage off the island. I decided to go to Faerieland, you know, because I've heard their library is simply spectacular. And yes... (goes on and on and on and on)

Me: Uh... huh...

LCL: (keeps talking) ... so after leaving the library I decided I wanted to travel a bit before finally settling down-

Me: (interrupts) Yes, of course! Very interesting. (cough) Sorry. I mean, of course, your life story is absolutely fascinating, and I'd love to hear about it another time. Maybe I should rephrase my question. How did you get to be here, with the Conundrum?

LCL: (glares) Well, I was getting to that! But you haven't heard the best parts of my life yet! I haven't told you about the pumpkin in the Haunted Woods, or my encounter with the Snowager, or the time when I was attacked by the-

Me: Some other time, please! We're writing for the paper here - you could write down your life story and publish it some other time, I suppose. Title it The Adventures of the Lenny Conundrum Lenny or something like that. Anyway, moving on-

LCL: (thoughtful) The Adventures of the Lenny Conundrum Lenny? Hrm. You may have something there.

Me: Yes, yes, yes, of course. But next question, can we move on?

LCL: (absently) Huh? Moving on... well, yes, I suppose... you know, The Adventures of the Lenny Conundrum Lenny is really too long a title to fit-

Me: NEXT QUESTION! Where do you get all those fabulous prizes?

LCL: (silence)

Me: Um... where do you get all those fabulous prizes?

LCL: (stiffly) I'm not prepared to answer that.

Me: What do you mean? Often, you release never-seen-before items! Where do you get them? Why are only 250 released? And switching to another topic, where do you get all your trophies? Do you have a private manufacturer?

LCL: I can't tell you.

Me: (coaxes) Why not? If it's from something evil, you know, people love evil. In a sense, you're triumphing over the evil, because you're turning these shadowy sources and using them to provide marvelous goods for intelligent people. Everyone likes this kind of stuff.

LCL: Well...

Me: Please?

LCL: Well, come closer then. (shifty eyes)

Me: (leans forward)

LCL: (whispers) ... secret supplier... catalogue previews... meets here at [BLOCKED]...

Me: (nods understandingly)

LCL: (leans back anxiously) You promise you won't tell? Ever?

Me: Of course.

LCL: Good. Because if the truth gets out, they'll all think I'm crazy! No one will compete anymore!

Me: (nods again) Don't worry, Mr. Joe, your secret is safe with me.

LCL: (looks relieved) Thank you, Banny. And please, Mr. Lenny will be fine. I don't want to hear my old name ever again.

Me: No problem.

LCL: Well, then, is that all?

Me: Sure. Thanks for your time, Mr. Lenny!

LCL: Goodbye, Banny!

So I walked out of his office, leaving him behind to his reports and secret meetings and whatnot, Slughorn oozing next to me. I was only a little wiser in the mysterious ways of the Lenny Conundrum Lenny, and there were so many more questions I wanted to ask.

Poor fellow. He obviously was crazy, but he meant well at least. Fellow Neopians, please don't abandon him in this difficult period! Keep on answering his conundrums, and help him out of his delusions that [BLOCKED] exists and that he can go to [BLOCKED]. This is obviously some stage of advanced denial, and he needs some moral support in his life.

~Banny271243, signing off

Author's Note: If you're reading this, then this is my first article in the Neopian Times, wh00t! And seriously, [BLOCKED] does not exist. Really.

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