Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 124,395,024 Issue: 250 | 28th day of Swimming, Y8
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The Life of a Champion

by mystery_island111223


Ah Friday. What joys can one find on this joyous day? How about two days of no school (or neoschool as the case may be)? Oh wait, it’s summer. Well, I suppose the Neopian Times is a nice alternative.

As I sat down with the latest issue I happened to glance at an unknown face. I stared at it for a while then came to the conclusion. I had no idea who this neopet was.

“It’s me, MI. Min, your Tonu!” The yellow Tonu looked angry.

“Ah yes! Hi, Min!” I got back to my paper. Soon I discovered another Tonu whose name I didn’t know; however, this one was merely a picture. He was grinning and next to a guide about trophies. I asked Min who he was.

“I’m not sure!” said Min. “I remember seeing him before, though!” He picked up an old issue of the Neopian Times that his Doglefox MinMin was using for a blanket. He pointed to a story about a Grundo who wanted the Volcano Run trophy very badly.

“Here’s another picture of him!” I was shocked.

“Wow, Min, this is amazing. Such an important Neopian. Think about it! He’s got his picture in two articles of almost identical information! Who could he be!?”

“I dunno,” said Min. “Some gold Tonu with an unhealthy obsession with the trophy he’s holding?”

“Sounds right!” I said.

To get our source confirmed we visited Sarah and asked for a description. Unfortunately I had left the copy of the Neopian Times at my neohome, so I did my best to describe the picture using the amazing vocabulary skills that we Neopian Times writers are blessed with.

Sarah pulled out a file that best described what I described and began reading it.

“The spotted Usul is a furry neopet that like to share with others and is always willing to share with its friends. It is known for its unique spots. It is the nightmare of scrawny teenage Neopian Times writers with yellow Tonus everywhere!”

“That’s not what we saw!” Min reached for the Neopian Times issue on Sarah’s desk. He searched through it until he found the article. There was the same trophy-happy Tonu.

“Oh that’s Champion!” Sarah handed me a Collectable Card. “He lives not too far from here!” She gave us directions.

“Min, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I turned to my Tonu.

“I sure hope not!” Min replied.

“It’s time for another interview!”

“What do you mean by another interview? The only things you publish are stories with idiotic characters!”

“Aren’t you in some of my stories?”

“So,” said Min quickly. “You say you want to interview Champion?” He grabbed the card from Sarah. “Let’s go!”

So Min and I set off to interview Champion. We wouldn’t let anything stop us, not even Sarah’s demands that we bring her card that was worth 800000 NP back.

Soon we found ourselves at a gold coloured manor. A large statue in the yard that had a strong resemblance to the trophy from Sutek’s Tomb greeted us. We knocked on the door. It slowly opened.

“Greetings!” A Tonu not much larger than Min opened the door. “How may I be of service?”

“We were hoping for an interview!” I smiled. “We feel all of Neopia needs to hear the tale of someone so famous as yourself!”

“Even though we didn’t learn of your existence until this morning!” Min added.

“Min, quiet!” I whispered. “This is called buttering up to someone. It’s where you say a complete and total lie in order to get what you want from somebody!”

“I can still hear you, you know!” said Champion.

“Let’s start the interview!” I turned to Champion.

MI: “So, do you have an owner?”

Champion: “I suppose so. Well, honestly, I’m not sure!”

MI: “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”

Champion: “He got lost in the trophy room back in year 6. Here, I’ll show it to you!”

Min: “Wow!”

MI: “These are pretty impressive!”

Champion: “Yes, I pride myself on collecting every trophy in existence!”

Min: “I have a question!”

Champion: “Go on!”

Min: “Technically, the gold, silver, and bronze trophies for say, Turmac Roll, count as three different trophies. How can you claim to have all of them?”

Champion: “I got gold one month, silver another, and bronze the next. They each show up differently!”

Min: “No, they don’t!”

MI: “Now Min, the celebrity’s always right. That’s an important rule to follow!”

Champion: “I agree. Next question!”

MI: “How old are you?”

Champion: “I’m three years old next week!”

Min: “If you’re only just under three, how can you claim to have trophies for games that were taken off the site?”

MI: “Now Min, remember that important rule?”

Min: “When my Doglefox wants to go out, he wants to go out right now?”

MI: “No, just forget it. So, Champion, what would you say helped you acquire all these trophies?”

Champion: “Lots of hard work, determination, and the ability to weld metal into whatever shape I desire!”

Min: “What was that last one?”

Champion: “Nothing!”

Min: “If I may interrupt, this trophy is a high score for the game The Last Smiley. But I’ve seen the lookups for all the people with that trophy. None of them had you as a pet!”

MI: “Min, you’re only being a problem. Do you want to go home?”

Min: “Yes!”

MI: “Well, forget it. Moving on. Anybody who you’d like to thank for all your success?”

Champion: “Malkus Vile, for melting down some of his gold and fashioning it into trophies for me and (pauses to look at Min, who is glaring at him) my owner for believing in me!”

MI: “That’s nice!”

Min: “Nice!? MI, this guy is a fraud, don’t you see!? His trophies are fake! Don’t you get it!?”

Champion: “Wait a minute, what are you writing?”

MI: “Me? I’m writing our conversation down. It’ll be in the Neopian Times!”

Champion: “What? If actually competent people read it? I’ll be ruined!”

MI: “What did you mean by that last part?”

Champion: “You just made a mistake!”

At this point Champion ran out of the room, locking the door behind him. Min escaped two months ago with the parting words ‘so long, you rotting piece of dung’. He promised to send for help. So far I’ve had no luck, but I’m certain he won’t let me down.

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