Just How Smooth Was the Altador Cup?
Welcome, NT readers, to an article that may shock and surprise you! I actually
went to the Colosseum this year to witness the Altador Cup with my beloved Gnorbu,
Alachohol. Whilst watching some spectacular sporting events, I also felt that
the very atmosphere was the stuff of legends. We've all heard about the feats
from the players, but what about from the crowd members? It wasn't too easy to
cope with some of these incidents. Sometimes it got rough. But we, the crowd members,
(Except one, but we won't actually go into that)
Together, the crowd witnessed the rise and fall of a rain of mortogs, annoying
faerie quests, and some really rude mutant Yooyus. I hope you enjoy this as
much as I did writing it. I know, you've gotten bored of Altador Cup articles,
but trust me, this is going to really bring a smile to your face. So, read on
and see what really happened behind the scenes of the Altador Cup, outside the
arena, within the turmoil of the crowd and even on the pitch itself.
1) The Altador Cup Committee ran out of croissants halfway through round two.
In the face of such terror, the large bulky green Skeith went into starvation
mode and ate the entire boardroom completely on his own, devouring curtains,
wall fixtures, carpets and sofas. Whilst breaking the 'Most Eaten By A Hungry
Skeith' record, the committee member in question was forced to stay at home
the next day, because of terrible stomachaches.
2) In a break from training, a fire Yooyu tramped towards the Altador Colosseum
Kitchens. Foolishly, it opened the freezer door and disturbed a sleeping Ice
Yooyu. A frantic fight soon unfolded as they battled over a bowl of ice cream,
which resulted in the freezer exploding. The fire and ice Yooyu were fine, but
were suspended from the next round of playing due to inappropriate behaviour.
3) The Lutari Souvenir Salesman was ambushed a record sixty times. Twenty of
these were attempts to steal valuable merchandise; thirty were attempts by desperate
owners to capture a Lutari, whilst the other ten were extremely frantic fans
needing direction to the Altador Colosseum. The Lutari was surprised, as the
large neon signs saying 'Altador Colosseum this way' were a pretty good indication.
4) Halfway through the Haunted Woods vs. Krawk Island match, Alachohol discovered
a mutant Yooyu gnawing on his head.
5) The mutant Yooyu Alachohol discovered ate my chips. What followed was an
apocalyptic battle that resulted in me being thrown out.
6) The Grarrl commentator's tie was voted 'worst tie ever' by almost everyone
who attended the event. Mine was voted second. I wasn't a happy chappy.
7) A dedicated group of Neopians hijacked the sound test, demanding to see
their beloved Foreman, who they knew would be around somewhere. When they were
told the Foreman wasn't present, a hideous battle began, in which many security
guards were left with nasty paper cuts and one Foreman follower ran screaming
from the melee. When the follower was found later -hiding in a bush- he was
rumoured to say, "that security guard stole my socks!"
NOTE: Be warned, this sock thief is still at large. The authorities have not
been able to trace the fellow, so prepare for the worst.
8) A foolish crowd member, thinking this was a plot induced war and not a competitive
event brought a Sword of Skardsen to the camping area. Unfortunately, someone
decided to bring their Carrotblade. Lots of things got sliced up, including
9) In the audio check, one of the commentator's microphones was actually found
to have Eliv Thade residing within it. The commentator was soon spouting hundreds
of annoying anagrams. Once the microphone was destroyed, Eliv Thade was returned
to his castle in the Haunted Woods. The Haunted Woods team whistled innocently,
assuring the Altador Cup Committee that they had not attempted to create a Haunted
Woods mascot. Unfortunately, they all collapsed into giggles, so I doubt that
they were being completely honest.
10) In a recent turn of events after the first round, a Faerie Yooyu flew into
a ceiling fan whilst training. It was taken immediately to a petpet hospital,
where it flew into another ceiling fan whilst recovering.
11) In an unfortunate mistake, the Haunted Woods kit was put in the washing
with Roo Island kit. Haunted Woods players were surprised to find their uniform
turned into splashes of blotchy reddish- orange, but the Roo Island players
were puzzled to find theirs had turned bright neon orange and shrunk three sizes.
The Altador Cup Committee were deciding on whether the teams should play in
their pyjamas, but luckily spare kits were found.
12) Maraqua supporters soon began swimming to Altador, confusing many Altadorian
fishermen, who thought they'd caught new species of fish in their nets.
13) Alachohol accidentally bumped into a crowd of fighting fans. I've never
seen him run so fast.
Correction from Alachohol: "It was actually an unarmed fighting retreat!"
14) Derlyn Fonnet was seen to be talking rather animatedly with a Gnorbu in
the crowd with huge bulging muscles. Alachohol bit his orange juice carton in
half with anger.
Correction from Alachohol: "The straw fell inside the carton, okay?"
15) The Altador Cup video was actually filmed by none other than the Lenny
Archivist himself. The Lenny had apparently spent years perfecting his home
movies in anticipation of this moment.
16) In an alarming turn of events, a Haunted Woods tent exploded. Brightvale
members admitted that "aiming that Wand of Reality over there hadn’t been the
17) The referee actually swallowed his whistle accidentally. He says he can
hear it jingle around sometimes.
18) In an incident within the changing room, two lockers were bent out of shape
when Darigan's Mungo Lifler collided with Tandrak Shaye. Mungo was practising
his goal-saving dives, whilst for reasons unknown; Tandrak was practising his
19) When the Lost Desert's goal was being repainted after their first match,
the paint was actually confused with corrosive acid. The painter admitted it
was a slight mishap.
20) Some meepits ate some cheese. Many would have overlooked this event, but
ask anyone on the boards, meepits and cheese can only result in disastrous consequences.
21) There was a mix-up with the flag upholstery, and halfway through the Tyrannia
vs. Roo Island match, all the flags fell free form their holdings. Many were
blown away in the wind, and were snatched by eager fans outside the Colosseum
to be used as curtains, tablecloths and even bed sheets.
22) The lighting coordinator fell asleep at his controls. To be blunt, it was
like Neopia had witnessed the arrival of a second sun.
23) I tried to do some stage diving. Alachohol insisted he didn't know me,
but I told everyone he did. The crowd obviously weren't very geared up for my
physical prowess, as they didn't manage to catch me.
24) In my stage dive, I kind of fell onto the pitch. A mutant Yooyu attached
itself to my head.
25) It began to rain mortogs. In such a catastrophic event, many fans tried
to kiss them, expecting a neopoint prize. There were a lot of explosions, and
my best efforts to restrain the excited crowd failed. This may be because my
best efforts involved a funny dance involving chilli powder and chair legs.
26) A grounds man was struck by a flaming Yooyu. He was immediately carried
off the pitch where he was thrown into a freezer. Unfortunately, the freezer
was set to deep freeze, and the poor fellow is currently defrosting.
27) A fight erupted between an Ice Yooyu and an Abominable Snowball. Apparently,
the Abominable Snowball had "a funny glint in his eye."
28) Alachohol brought his kite along, and it got tangled up in the wiring system.
He was left dangling hundreds of feet in the air, receiving the occasional electric
shock. I keep on telling him it wasn't my fault, but he insists that the 'extra
rocket boost' I fitted might have been the root of the problem.
30) Finally, in the last few seconds of the final game, the Golden Pteri flew
into one of the big screens.
Well, there it is, folks. The article that shows just how smooth the Altador
Cup was. Unfortunately, I have not mentioned the infamous, 'Alachohol getting
fired out of a cannon incident,' my sudden bungee jumping from the top of the
Colosseum, and the bit where I accidentally set fire to the referee's shirt.
So remember, the next time you're seated at a high-ranking sporting event, just
be careful, and don't play with kites.