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Just How Smooth Was the Altador Cup?

by iamskot


Welcome, NT readers, to an article that may shock and surprise you! I actually went to the Colosseum this year to witness the Altador Cup with my beloved Gnorbu, Alachohol. Whilst watching some spectacular sporting events, I also felt that the very atmosphere was the stuff of legends. We've all heard about the feats from the players, but what about from the crowd members? It wasn't too easy to cope with some of these incidents. Sometimes it got rough. But we, the crowd members, pulled through.

(Except one, but we won't actually go into that)

Together, the crowd witnessed the rise and fall of a rain of mortogs, annoying faerie quests, and some really rude mutant Yooyus. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it. I know, you've gotten bored of Altador Cup articles, but trust me, this is going to really bring a smile to your face. So, read on and see what really happened behind the scenes of the Altador Cup, outside the arena, within the turmoil of the crowd and even on the pitch itself.

1) The Altador Cup Committee ran out of croissants halfway through round two. In the face of such terror, the large bulky green Skeith went into starvation mode and ate the entire boardroom completely on his own, devouring curtains, wall fixtures, carpets and sofas. Whilst breaking the 'Most Eaten By A Hungry Skeith' record, the committee member in question was forced to stay at home the next day, because of terrible stomachaches.

2) In a break from training, a fire Yooyu tramped towards the Altador Colosseum Kitchens. Foolishly, it opened the freezer door and disturbed a sleeping Ice Yooyu. A frantic fight soon unfolded as they battled over a bowl of ice cream, which resulted in the freezer exploding. The fire and ice Yooyu were fine, but were suspended from the next round of playing due to inappropriate behaviour.

3) The Lutari Souvenir Salesman was ambushed a record sixty times. Twenty of these were attempts to steal valuable merchandise; thirty were attempts by desperate owners to capture a Lutari, whilst the other ten were extremely frantic fans needing direction to the Altador Colosseum. The Lutari was surprised, as the large neon signs saying 'Altador Colosseum this way' were a pretty good indication.

4) Halfway through the Haunted Woods vs. Krawk Island match, Alachohol discovered a mutant Yooyu gnawing on his head.

5) The mutant Yooyu Alachohol discovered ate my chips. What followed was an apocalyptic battle that resulted in me being thrown out.

6) The Grarrl commentator's tie was voted 'worst tie ever' by almost everyone who attended the event. Mine was voted second. I wasn't a happy chappy.

7) A dedicated group of Neopians hijacked the sound test, demanding to see their beloved Foreman, who they knew would be around somewhere. When they were told the Foreman wasn't present, a hideous battle began, in which many security guards were left with nasty paper cuts and one Foreman follower ran screaming from the melee. When the follower was found later -hiding in a bush- he was rumoured to say, "that security guard stole my socks!"

NOTE: Be warned, this sock thief is still at large. The authorities have not been able to trace the fellow, so prepare for the worst.

8) A foolish crowd member, thinking this was a plot induced war and not a competitive event brought a Sword of Skardsen to the camping area. Unfortunately, someone decided to bring their Carrotblade. Lots of things got sliced up, including my tie.

9) In the audio check, one of the commentator's microphones was actually found to have Eliv Thade residing within it. The commentator was soon spouting hundreds of annoying anagrams. Once the microphone was destroyed, Eliv Thade was returned to his castle in the Haunted Woods. The Haunted Woods team whistled innocently, assuring the Altador Cup Committee that they had not attempted to create a Haunted Woods mascot. Unfortunately, they all collapsed into giggles, so I doubt that they were being completely honest.

10) In a recent turn of events after the first round, a Faerie Yooyu flew into a ceiling fan whilst training. It was taken immediately to a petpet hospital, where it flew into another ceiling fan whilst recovering.

11) In an unfortunate mistake, the Haunted Woods kit was put in the washing with Roo Island kit. Haunted Woods players were surprised to find their uniform turned into splashes of blotchy reddish- orange, but the Roo Island players were puzzled to find theirs had turned bright neon orange and shrunk three sizes. The Altador Cup Committee were deciding on whether the teams should play in their pyjamas, but luckily spare kits were found.

12) Maraqua supporters soon began swimming to Altador, confusing many Altadorian fishermen, who thought they'd caught new species of fish in their nets.

13) Alachohol accidentally bumped into a crowd of fighting fans. I've never seen him run so fast.

Correction from Alachohol: "It was actually an unarmed fighting retreat!"

Pssshh, whatever.

14) Derlyn Fonnet was seen to be talking rather animatedly with a Gnorbu in the crowd with huge bulging muscles. Alachohol bit his orange juice carton in half with anger.

Correction from Alachohol: "The straw fell inside the carton, okay?"

15) The Altador Cup video was actually filmed by none other than the Lenny Archivist himself. The Lenny had apparently spent years perfecting his home movies in anticipation of this moment.

16) In an alarming turn of events, a Haunted Woods tent exploded. Brightvale members admitted that "aiming that Wand of Reality over there hadn’t been the greatest idea."

17) The referee actually swallowed his whistle accidentally. He says he can hear it jingle around sometimes.

18) In an incident within the changing room, two lockers were bent out of shape when Darigan's Mungo Lifler collided with Tandrak Shaye. Mungo was practising his goal-saving dives, whilst for reasons unknown; Tandrak was practising his rave dancing.

19) When the Lost Desert's goal was being repainted after their first match, the paint was actually confused with corrosive acid. The painter admitted it was a slight mishap.

20) Some meepits ate some cheese. Many would have overlooked this event, but ask anyone on the boards, meepits and cheese can only result in disastrous consequences.

21) There was a mix-up with the flag upholstery, and halfway through the Tyrannia vs. Roo Island match, all the flags fell free form their holdings. Many were blown away in the wind, and were snatched by eager fans outside the Colosseum to be used as curtains, tablecloths and even bed sheets.

22) The lighting coordinator fell asleep at his controls. To be blunt, it was like Neopia had witnessed the arrival of a second sun.

23) I tried to do some stage diving. Alachohol insisted he didn't know me, but I told everyone he did. The crowd obviously weren't very geared up for my physical prowess, as they didn't manage to catch me.

24) In my stage dive, I kind of fell onto the pitch. A mutant Yooyu attached itself to my head.

25) It began to rain mortogs. In such a catastrophic event, many fans tried to kiss them, expecting a neopoint prize. There were a lot of explosions, and my best efforts to restrain the excited crowd failed. This may be because my best efforts involved a funny dance involving chilli powder and chair legs.

26) A grounds man was struck by a flaming Yooyu. He was immediately carried off the pitch where he was thrown into a freezer. Unfortunately, the freezer was set to deep freeze, and the poor fellow is currently defrosting.

27) A fight erupted between an Ice Yooyu and an Abominable Snowball. Apparently, the Abominable Snowball had "a funny glint in his eye."

28) Alachohol brought his kite along, and it got tangled up in the wiring system. He was left dangling hundreds of feet in the air, receiving the occasional electric shock. I keep on telling him it wasn't my fault, but he insists that the 'extra rocket boost' I fitted might have been the root of the problem.

30) Finally, in the last few seconds of the final game, the Golden Pteri flew into one of the big screens.

Well, there it is, folks. The article that shows just how smooth the Altador Cup was. Unfortunately, I have not mentioned the infamous, 'Alachohol getting fired out of a cannon incident,' my sudden bungee jumping from the top of the Colosseum, and the bit where I accidentally set fire to the referee's shirt. So remember, the next time you're seated at a high-ranking sporting event, just be careful, and don't play with kites.

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