Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 124,395,024 Issue: 250 | 28th day of Swimming, Y8
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Battledome-ify Your Neopian Times Items

by doughnut215


Also by shadowcristal

Bam! Wham! Such is the nature of the Battledome, pitting pets against each other in fierce fights. Not adhering to the typical image of pets sitting down in their beanbag chairs, opening their copy of the Neopian Times to read those weekly news, isn't it? Well, now we've found a way to bring it together.

For the awesome, commemorative Issue 250 of the Times, we are presenting a couple of Battledome-ified Neopian Times Items. Imagine your Neopian Times Beanchair promptly stopping and stuffing that pesky, claw-sharpening Kougra... Well, that's what this article is all about!

Note that these items are simply Neopian Times items (for any obsessive fan or collector), but they can also double as lethal weapons for your worst nemesis in the Battledome, if used in that fashion. Also, we, the authors, are not responsible for any explosions, detonations, gases, misadventures etc. that follows with the use of those items described in this article. (So please don't file a lawsuit to Lawyerbot, demanding to have your NP back.)

Now that all the boring legal mumbo-jumbo has been taken care of, let's start! *takes out a mini spotlight*

Neopian Times Issue 3

“Its a really old copy of the Neopian Times.”

Ah yes, the good old Issue 3. How many of these have you seen floating around the Money Tree or wasting away at the Meridell Rubbish Dump? Probably quite a lot, and it’s such a waste! Clutch your Issue 3 with pride, pull it out from your arsenal with a flourish and we guarantee, even the strongest of Battledomers will make a point of rolling their eyes and yawning. But here lies the strength of the Issue 3, for while your opponent makes a show of boredom, take an opportunity to strike! Hurl those entertaining pages at your opponent, and while they are distracted by the illustrious comics and stories, pull out a more damaging weapon…

Neopian Times Year 6 Annual

"A collection of the most popular stories, articles, comics and adventures. This was a prize from the Advent Calendar in Y6."

Don’t be put off just because it was from the advent calendar. That does not take away from the Neopian Times Battledomey-ness of this item whatsoever. ;-) This item works much the same way as the Issue 3, but with one major difference. This thing is big. Really big. Think about it, it’s full of the most popular articles, stories and so on. But everything in the NT is just so popular, it’s impossible to distinguish and so packed with more than you might expect in an annual! Fling this annual in the direction of your opponent, and just wait for them to give in! The only downside is that the binding might break, and so this is, sadly, only a one use item.

I Love The Neopian Times T-Shirt

"The name really says it all..."

Clothes may not appear to be dangerous in the Battledome, but this one can certainly be so if necessary. While your opponent is doubling over with laughter at your obsessiveness and insanity, having chosen to wear this T-shirt... Just pull it off and bag your opponent in it! As hard as it is to see with a regular T-shirt wrapped around your head, just imagine how it'd be if there were neat, bold, letters confusing and confounding your opponent! Well, this is what this T-shirt has. However, like the Annual, it usually ends up being a one use item since most Battledome pets end up tearing it away, ripping it to shreds. So make sure you stock up on them, and have... err... other weapons of Neopian Times goodness that happen to be more damaging.

Neopian Times Coin

"This hard to get hold of coin was minted to commemorate Neopian Times Day."

Shiny and spectacular, hard to get... Not only is this coin hard to get, but it is rather hard itself, being a coin. Smack it in the face of your opponent to dazzle them with the shininess of this precious coin (or more precisely, the minted hard metal). You're sure to get a reaction, and most likely not a good one. This is one of the more damaging Neopian Times Battledome-ified items, seeing as how it has excellent qualities, being solid, tough and multiple-use, if you remember to attach a string to the coin so you can pull it back and whip it out again at the next attack.

Neopian Times Bean Bag

”Soft, squishy and guaranteed not to smudge onto your clothes when you sit on it.”

At first glance, you might think that this item is, well, pretty useless as far as the Battledome goes. How much damage can a delectably soft and comfortable bean bag actually do? You might be surprised when we insist that it really can perform when it counts. The hand hold on this bag of beans is what gives it its punch. Quite literally, actually. Swirl the bean bag around in the air whilst holding on tightly, and watch as your opponent’s eyes follow the riveting texts and stories printed on it. Soon enough they will be dizzy, and so as you creep forwards, you can fling it at your opponent, straight in the face! Multiple use, of course, but be gentle; effectiveness of this weapon depends on you keeping the beans inside (a.k.a, no holes).

Neopian Times Poster

”If you love the Neopian Times, you will love this giant poster!”

Giant poster indeed - this thing is enormous! Not only that, but it is printed on the finest paper that Neopoints can buy, as is clear from the lustrous shine. If you can bear to mar this piece of art, it is one of the most reliable Neopian Times weapons that you can buy. Having used your Neopian Times Bean Bag to daze your opponent, this is when you bravely leap forwards, poster in arms, and run around them as many times as you can, wrapping them in the poster. Since it is the strongest, finest paper Neopoints can buy, it will not break no matter how hard your opponent struggles! This is the part where you sit down and laugh. Enjoy. ^_^

Neopian Times Quill

"Why write with a boring pen when you can use a quill!"

A small, one-handed item, this is the perfect thing for all those aspiring authors out there, but it also has some Battledome value! Like the description states, the Quill is quite superior to a pen. For one thing, it has a much sharper end than most of the stuff in your pencil case. Sweep it in a wide flourish, distract your opponent and poke him or her in the eye! A painful attack, but also a distraction in itself as your opponent mills around blindly, allowing you to unleash the power of more Neopian Times items. While that Battledomer isn't looking, remember to sign your name and perhaps write a short story or two, as a nice souvenir. As an extra plus, you can also use the other, feathery end to tickle your opponent for helpless gales of laughter and some old-school fun. A perfect way to stall for more time during the battle, quite useful when you're beginning to tire and want to rest a bit. Unless the either end breaks, those tricks can be used over and over again. Watch out for Skeiths and Grarrls, though, who may think that the Quill is a delicious candy.

Neopian Times Pencil Case

"If you are bored in class, you can always read this pencil case."

Not only is this a perfect storage place for school supplies and all other writing equipment, but it's also a weapon more or less by itself! Innocently swing this around, mesmerize your opponent, letting it move slow enough for him or her to read all those wonderful pieces... And when it's close enough, unzip that Pencil Case open and fill the air with attacking weapons such as pointy scissors, sticky glue, jabbing pencils and much more. Just remember to stuff the Pencil Case full before opening it, or it won't be that spectacular of a smashing surprise.

Neopian Times Usuki Set

”Everything you need to create your own Neopian Times.”

Think about it. Everything you need to create your own Neopian Times. That would be paper (paper cuts, anyone?), staples (no comment), scissors (self-explanatory), quills (already been there) and so on and so forth. Quite a harmless little toy in appearance, but in actual fact when used in the right hands, this is one Usuki Set bursting with Battledome potential. You should by now be well aware of how to turn your opponent’s ridiculing laughter into your greatest advantage, another strategy which can be employed successfully by the use of this item. A word of warning, however: please make sure to replace the supplies which you use during the battle, or else this item will be rendered useless.

Neopian Times White Weewoo Plushie

”This adorable Weewoo has a quill tucked under its wing!”

Pah, adorable plushie indeed! Well, it is quite cute. Okay, very. But that is all part of the allure of this item, perhaps one of the most famous symbols of Neopian Times-ness. Made from the finest, silky smooth white feathers and topped off with a bright orange beak, this plushie is the finest available for use in the Neopian Battledome.

When you first hold this plushie high, your opponent is lulled into a false sense of security by its hypnotic and comforting qualities. Then, with quick jabbing motions, you must use the hidden quill (beneath the left wing) to rapidly poke your opponent, and then throw the plushie straight at your opponent in a body slam! Being a Weewoo, albeit a plushie, it is clever enough to fly straight back to you on cloth wings, making this plushie completely re-useable. This means that you can build a stockpile of White Weewoo plushies as opposed to simply replacing them. Hoorah!

Battle Quill

"The pen really is mightier than the sword!"

And for all of you nitpicks that have been screaming and pointing and exclaiming that those Neopian Times items aren't really weapons... Well, here's one for you! The Battle Quill is a proper, 100% authentic Battledome weapon, dealing a couple of icons and also a bit defensive too. Being a fluffy and soft kind of weapon, it'll just bounce back if you ruffle those feathers. With a powerful gold tip, it can jab your opponents repeatedly and possibly into insanity. As for the saying, a sword is really attention-drawing while the Battle Quill is rather inconspicuous, making it a good weapon to use while sneaking up on your opponent. However, the item tends to be rather expensive as it doesn't show up on a normal item search, and only a few glimpses of it can be caught in some galleries. A decent, kind of Neopian Times related weapon, but hard-to-get, that's the Battle Quill.

And that concludes our list! Before you read this article, did you ever think that these awesome Neopian Times items might be worthy of a spot in your Battledome set? Did you ever pause to consider the distracting potential of the Issue 3, or the punch that the Neopian Times Coin can pack? Probably not, if you're a sane person. However, now that you have been properly educated, you'll almost certainly never look at one of these items again without thinking of the damage it could deal.

Be warned, however; these are only the highlights of Neopian Times related weapons - there are various other Neopian Times items out there that could be used against you in the Battledome. Hopefully by reading this article, you have acquired enough insight to be able to see these items and recognise their potential for yourself. We guarantee that you will never look at a Neopian Times item in quite the same way again.

Unless you're extremely stubborn, that is.

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