An Exclusive Interview With Valtonous Rea
Editor’s Note: Due to insurmountable difficulties, it has been necessary to
print the Neopian Times interview with Faerieland’s Yooyuball Squad Goalkeeper,
Valtonous Rea, as a direct transcript of the recording. For personal reasons,
the reporter who conducted this interview wished to remain anonymous.
NTR: I’ll just ask you a few questions on the match and about the squad.
NTR: And perhaps a few personal questions, if that’s okay.
VR: Um, all right.
NTR: (coughs) Right, well, I’m going to start the interview now.
VR: Yes, good to hear that.
(very long pause)
NTR: What... is your favourite colour?
NTR: You know Kakoni Worrill?
VR: I do know him, yes.
NTR: What is his favourite colour?
VR: Um, I think perhaps purple.
NTR: And his favourite pudding?
VR: I don’t know. Look, can we get on with the--?
NTR: Oh yes. (shuffling paper) You know the first match in the Altador Cup?
VR: Yeess... ?
NTR: Who did you play against?
VR: Mystery Island.
NTR: And you lost against them?!
VR: Well, yes. It was a tough match.
NTR: How much did you lose by?
VR: (mumbles something incoherent)
NTR: Sorry? Couldn’t catch that.
VR: Four hundred ninety-six thousand and three hundred and two points.
NTR: Wow. That’s—that’s quite a lot, isn’t it?
NTR: You know Delma Harrence?
VR: I do know her, yes.
NTR: How do you think she keeps her hair so silky and smooth? Do you reckon
she uses a special shampoo?
VR: I’ve... never really considered this matter in depth.
NTR: (disappointed) Oh.
NTR: So how does it work?
NTR: Yooyuball, how do you play it? I mean, just for the readers who aren’t
familiar with it... I’m perfectly well-informed, of course.
VR: Well, the Yooyus are the most essential aspect of the game, and there are
four different varieties; Fire, Snow, Mutant and Faerie. How the game is played
differs on the type of Yooyu itself. For example, if you were to play with a
Fire Yooyu, the team would use an entirely different strategy than a Snow Yooyu.
NTR: You mean the Petpet, the Yooyu?
NTR: But isn’t that extortion? Kicking around a Petpet?? (outraged) What does
the Petpet Protection League have to say about this??
VR: Well, you see, the Yooyu species have the ability of curling into the shape
of a ball and hardening itself. I assure you that they’re not harmed in any
way in this sport.
NTR: (unconvinced) Right. If I could just go back to Kakoni Worrill--?
NTR: Do you think there is any rivalry between him and Babolino?
VR: Not that I know of, no.
NTR: (disappointed) So they don’t argue, over—over who’s the better Yooyuball
player or who’s the better looking one?
NTR: So your team uniforms—are they all the same? I mean, do they—do they make
them a bit different for each player or are they all just pink and purple?
VR: They’re all pink and purple. But they’re tailored to fit us and they have
our names emblazoned on the back. And a cloud shoulder pad.
NTR: Wow. Did Queen Fyora design them?
VR: No, well, she didn’t design them herself... the other Faeries got together
and started planning out bits and pieces and she supervised them. I think she
also chose the colours.
NTR: I heard that Jhudora wasn’t invited to the meeting and put a curse on
the team... is that true?
VR: I’m not quite sure you heard that from a reliable source.
NTR: Is that a ‘no’ then?
VR: Yes. (pause) Yes, that’s a ‘no.’
NTR: Okay. Is it true that your team lost because of a... disagreement you
had with Babolino before the match began? About his bandage.
VR: No, I don’t believe we argued about his... bandage. There was no argument.
NTR: So how did he injure himself?
VR: He didn’t.
NTR: So why does he wear a bandage on his forehead?
VR: It’s... his trademark, I suppose. I think it began when he was attempting
to rescue a Meowclops from a tree and he got a scar from the scratches. That
was about a year ago, though.
NTR: (awe-stricken) Does he change it?
VR: What, his bandage?
VR: Yes, I’m sure he does. Can we move on...?
NTR: Oh... right.
NTR: What is your favourite colour?
VR: We’ve had that one.
NTR: Oh. (Shuffling paper) What is your favourite pudding?
VR: Erm... Chokato.
NTR: (fascinated) Really?? But don’t you think it has a rather odd taste?
VR: No. I like it.
NTR: I think Black Cherry is much better tasting. Don’t you think so?
NTR: Do you think...?
NTR: Do you think Babolino’s favourite pudding would be Kacheek Vanilla Pudding?
VR: (sighing) That is a possibility, yes. Given that he is a Kacheek. Look,
could we just move on from puddings and such?
NTR: Yes, all right. Do you think Yooyuball is the way forward?
VR: (encouragingly) The way forward to...? To what?
NTR: (very long thoughtful pause) To the future.
VR: I’m sorry, I don’t understand your question.
NTR: Do you think Yooyuball is the sport of the future?
VR: Well, yes... but it is also the sport of the present.
NTR: (breathlessly) Do you think so? Why though, why??
VR: (slightly taken aback) Well... with the popularity of the Altador Cup and
such... it is becoming a widely-known sport and more and more individuals are finding
it to be very riveting, both to play and to watch.
NTR: But what about other established games such as Gormball? Don’t you think
Yooyuball suffers from the competition?
VR: No, I think they’re two entirely different sports and the general public
can appreciate both.
NTR: And what do you think are the main differences between Gormball and Yooyuball?
VR: Well, I think the most obvious difference is that Gormball is an individual
sport and Yooyuball is a team sport.
VR: Gormball involves the use of a... potentially exploding, water-filled ball.
Yooyuball involves a very different sort of ball, which I explained previously.
VR: Gormball requires more personal luck and experience, while Yooyuball requires
a great deal of team cooperation and skill.
NTR: Do you mean to say that Gormball does not require skill?
VR: No, no, and I don’t mean that Yooyuball does not require experience, either.
I was just... simplifying.
NTR: Right. Well, with your team’s loss in the Altador Cup, what are your plans
in the near future?
VR: Well... I suppose I’ll probably return to Faerieland with my team and um,
finish my novel.
NTR: Oh! What is it called? Is it a Yooyuball book?
VR: No, it’s just something I wrote in my spare time. It’s called The Life
NTR: Is it a nature book?
VR: No, no, no, no. It’s not algae, as in the plant in Maraqua... it’s the name
of a character. A-L-G-Y. He, uh, he’s supposed to be a young Uni who finds an
exciting discovery on the magical uses of grass.
NTR: (very unconvincingly) It sounds very interesting.
VR: I very much hope it to be. It will be available at the Faerieland book
shop later this year.
NTR: (even more unconvincingly) I’m sure we’ll all be rushing out to purchase
it. Right, well, if I could just check a small fact about Kakoni Worrill?
VR: (odd, strangled sound) Yes.
NTR: What is his favourite pudding?
VR: We’ve had that one.
NTR: All right then, what about Babolino?
VR: We’ve had that one as well.
NTR: Right, well ok. I suppose we’re done then.
(slight crashing noise)
VR: Are you all right?