Diary of a Kadoatie
Day 139 of My Captivity
Today, after many weeks of confinement, I was seized
most inelegantly and dumped onto a flat surface, from which I was able to see
another giant, similar in appearance to my captor. It had a whinging giantling
hanging onto its paw, and a look of harassment on its face. There was a loud
argument - by their standards - during which the new giant became increasingly
angry. Eventually it turned away in disgust, whilst I was picked up and placed
back on the shelf with my brethren. It left the containment unit, dragging the
sullen giantling behind it. I sighed, bored with this performance; I have seen,
and participated in, the ritual ever since I can remember.
But today was different - I watched with interest
as the giantling dug its heels in and refused to carry on. The exasperated giant
turned on it and made those loud noises that giants make sometimes when they
are angry. The giantling turned unusually pale, but it stayed where it was and
made a quiet reply. The giant's shoulders sagged, and it turned back to the
door to the containment unit. This considerably surprised me; never before had
one of their kind re-entered the unit. But this one walked back up to the counter
and pointed at me, making those silly noises that giants make to communicate.
My captor made suggestive gestures at the rest of my brothers and sisters, but
the giant shook its head and pointed with renewed energy at me. This came as
no great shock; unlike the others, I am patterned and, of course, more beautiful.
Reluctantly my captor brought me back over to the flat area - I have acquired
the impression that I am somewhat of a trophy to him. The pair restarted their
argument until I was plucked from my miniscule jail by my original captor and
handed over to the newcomer. I was shoved into a dark, damp cardboard box and
imprisoned there instead. I was jolted and bruised most terribly for a while,
before the sensation stopped and I was dropped onto the ground with a thud.
I meowed pitifully in an attempt for my new captor to relent with their harsh
treatment, but received no reply except another jolt that seemed larger than
the one before. I have never understood giants. Even when you make beautiful
music for them, they insist on manhandling you until you are forced to remain
quiet. Their own music is a horrible, grating imitation of our own lovely voices
- mine in particular. My voice has always been the loudest, most strident, most
perfect of all the Kadoaties in the containment unit. Thinking of them, will
they be there at my new destination? I will inform you when I have the opportunity.
For now, they are setting me down. Farewell.
Day 1 of My New Imprisonment
It appears that I have left one brutal area of
confinement only to be kept in another. I have a basket, true, but it's old
and cheap and not worth my attention. At least the giantling agrees with me.
When it saw the basket it made a noise of disgust and swept me up, annoyed.
I think I may yet manipulate this one in my escape from the prison.
For prison it is; as soon after I arrived I was
seized upon most roughly and hauled upwards. As you may imagine, I protested
vociferously against this and proceeded to struggle against the giant's arms.
It refused to let go, however, so I was forced to resort to more crude, violent
means. I examined my paw lovingly; three razor-sharp, gleaming claws sprang
out. The giantling, standing in the doorway, saw this and wisely decided to
I am sure I need not illustrate for you what
happened; suffice it to say that the giant soon released me with a yell using
such words as I will not relate. It was a loud enough noise to almost be worthy
of a noble Kadoatie. Notice the use of the word "almost."
Therefore I became certain that "Noisy", as I
have labelled him, would not lay his worthless hands on me again. How wrong
I was! For whilst I was sitting before a pleasant source of heat I discovered
in the living room, he stole up behind me, taking advantage of my distraction;
I was grooming myself. The next thing I knew, I was on my back in mid-air, paws
pinned to my sides, while Noisy fastened something around my neck. The second
I was released, I shot off up the stairs. Yet there was a tinkling noise coming
from somewhere: my pace increased as I realised I had an invisible follower.
But no matter how I increased my speed, there was always a tinkling shadow behind
me! Eventually, I realised there was only one thing for it. I would have to
fight this attacker!
I skidded and turned around, claws making long,
jagged tears in the carpet. Right then I didn't care. Hissing, I arched my back,
the fur on my body standing on end, paw raised and claws extended for a swipe.
There was nothing there.
The swipe continued before I could stop it. Carried
by the momentum, I rolled over my foreleg and landed in an atrociously undignified
heap. It was at this highly embarrassing moment that a new acquaintance decided
to make itself known.
"Haw, haw, haw! Look at the silly pussycat!"
an aggravating voice screamed out. "Silly pussycat's got itself all tied up
in knots! Haw, haw, haw! Silly pussycat!" The voice grated on my eardrums and
unravelled some more of my already frayed temper.
Furious, I cast about for the speaker. It was
only when it occurred to me to look up that I identified it.
A smug-looking bird sat in a cage far above.
Its eyes were half-closed, but it wore a self-satisfied grin on its round, fluffy
face. I could take it out with my eyes closed, I thought. I would dearly like
to, as well.
Just then, the giantling came in. "Fluffy!" it
exclaimed. "There you are! Oh - I see you've found Squawk, my Pirakeet. Isn't
he adorable?" Seeing my eyes narrowing, it quickly added, "but not as adorable
as you, of course." Satisfied, I opened my eyes again and purred intensely.
I had this one trained.
A curious thudding noise reached my ears. It
appeared to be coming from the stairs.
"Oh-oh," the giantling muttered, "it's Dad."
Just as I was wondering who "Dad" was, I found myself face-to-face with Noisy.
It loomed above me threateningly, and I was pleased to see that the giantling
had had the presence of mind to stand over the rips I had made in the carpet.
This made me think of the tinkling noise. What had it been? I was soon to find
"Jen, move," thundered the giant. "I've got that
cage I told you about."
"But Fluffy'll be good!" pleaded the giantling
- Jen - desperately. "She doesn't need a cage!"
I was reeling mentally. Fluffy? Where on Earth
had it dug up such a repulsive, pathetic, hateful, ridiculously mushy name?
And me? Good? Whatever made her think that?
"Nevertheless," stated Noisy firmly, "that creature
could wreck our house!" and, so quiet I almost missed it, "It's already wrecked
my bank account."
Quickly, it lunged forward and grabbed me roughly
by the scruff of the neck. I yowled in protest, but it merely grimaced and stuffed
me brusquely into yet another iron prison. I have never understood giants about
this, either; they seem to have a fixation on manhandling innocent Kadoaties
into horrible, uncomfortable, hard metal boxes and trapping them inside. I hate
it when this happens to me; it's simply horrific.
And it makes such a mess of one's fur, as well.
In light of this I immediately settled down for a good long grooming session
when I was set down on a hard surface.
Whilst I was doing this, my concentration was
wrecked by a shrill voice screaming down, "Who's a naughty kitty, then?"
It was that infuriating bird-thing, Squawk, with
whom, I realised, I would have to spend the entire period of my captivity. Admittedly
not in the same cell, but in the same room, and that was more than sufficient.
I rose up against the bars and yowled in protest;
this earned a sharp retort from Noisy, who proceeded to explain the terms on
which I would be released; no yowling, hissing, scratching, biting, or disruption
in general. I was most disappointed at this, but I could see that it was deadly
serious and so I complied. I am at present still contained within my cell; I
am writing this to the cacophony of Squawk's screeches.
But back to my relation of events. As the giantling,
Jen, rushed to my side to soothe me (as it thought; in reality it was only a
nuisance,) it left the rips in the carpet uncovered. Noise's eyes narrowed most
threateningly, and it strode forward.
"Jen! That creature of yours has been at the
carpet!" Its voice was a rising crescendo.
"50 neopoints I paid for that carpet! And now
- and now - and NOW!" Noisy's eyes bulged at this point. I watched with considerable
interest that soon turned to fearful apprehension as it turned on me.
"YOU MISERABLE CREATURE! You're never coming
out of there; NEVER I say! I've had enough of you! As soon as I can find a buyer,
you're going OUT!"
"No!" screamed the giantling pitifully. "Not
Fluffy! She'll be good! I promise! Just one more chance, Dad, please!" By the
end its voice was almost a persuasive whine, if there is such a thing. I looked
on, torn between amusement and fear at what they - Noisy, even - might do to
"Very well," boomed Noisy. "One more chance.
But it stays in the cage!" It stormed out of the room angrily, followed by the
I am curious to see what will happen next.
Day Two of My New Confinement
After I was left alone in the dark, I contrived
to sleep but the hard iron bars of my poky little containment unit offered little
comfort, the barren floor even less. So I sat myself in a corner, thinking things
over; my advantages, disadvantages, and how I might escape.
I came to the conclusion that the giantling,
Jen I think it is called, is devoted to me. That is to say, it - I refuse to
say she - would watch over me day and night if it had the slightest notion that
I might come to harm. Unfortunately, this was my only advantage.
My disadvantages, needless to say, were many
and great. I was alone in the dark, trapped within a metal prison, with an idiotic,
annoying bird-thing for company.
There was only a miniscule chance of my release;
Noisy had it in for me, and I was sure it was the master here. I was thwarted
at almost every turn.
I was sure that the giantling was ready to release
me, but how could I make her - sorry, it? It would also have to be a time when
Noisy was not around. And so, as difficulties and dangers increased at every
mental step I took, I laid my plans. Doesn't that sound delightfully mysterious
and ever so slightly sinister? What was that? No? How dare you! Don't you know
that you exist only to serve us, Kadoatie-kind? Ignorant fool.
Quite some time later, I rose up from my corner
and advanced to the front of my prison. Yes, I was sure of it; footsteps coming
up the stairs, towards my room of confinement even! Escape?
When the door swung open, creaking, I was ready.
The giantling came in with a round, polished bowl in each hand. Quite right
too, that it should serve me and bring me food - although it would have suited
my status better if the bowls had been jewelled, or at the very least made of
gold. Ah well, one cannot have everything in life - more's the pity. Anyway,
as soon as it set the bowls down, I fixed my most pathetic gaze upon it, making
my eyes as large, soulful and pleading as possible. There is an art to this
- but that's another story. I'm sure you've come across the technique before.
I happen to be an adept and soon the idiot thing was crooning over me, feeling
mean and cruel at keeping me in a cage, alone in the dark. But at present Noisy's
hold over it was too strong and it simply walked out of the room, promising
to return tomorrow. Tomorrow! I expect to be fed, watered and groomed at least
three times per day. It was an absolute insult.
The next day, I performed the same act, beginning
as soon as the giantling walked into the room. How awkwardly that type of giant
moves! Nothing like a Kadoatie's beautiful, graceful stalk. Anyway, back to
the story… Once again it carried two cheap-looking bowls, this time with the
insufferable name "Fluffy" scrawled on them in atrocious handwriting. What's
more, as well as a bowl in one hand it carried a cheap-looking collar. It was
plain red leather. I ask you! The bowls were bad enough, but this was unbelievable.
That it should think about putting a collar on me was bad enough, but it should
at least be covered in jewels! And red clashes so badly with my coat. I was
horrified when it put the detestable thing around my neck, and it took a great
amount of self-control to keep myself from biting and scratching it. But it
was, after all, essential to my plan that it remained enchanted with me. Eventually
I executed the same technique as before, and this time it felt so sorry for
me that it left the light on when it departed, enabling me to see more of my
surroundings. I must admit it appeared to be hopeless at first. The only other
creature in the room was that idiot bird Squawk. But, unfortunately, that imbecile
was my only chance of escape.
After much sweet-talking and explaining - I will
not bore you with the details; they are too mindlessly stupid for words (except
the ones he put them in) - I succeeded in talking Squawk through the process
of opening his cage door. It is a testament to his stupidity that he had not
worked out how to achieve this before - I would have been out in a flash. Unfortunately
the bars of my cage were too close together to squeeze a paw through - although
much longer in that abominable place and I would surely have been thin enough
to do so - so I had to persuade the bird to open it for me.
Regrettably, the bird in question was enjoying
freedom far too much and flapped around the room erratically, crashing into
vases and knocking over lights. I despaired of ever escaping; as long as the
bird kept making that racket, we were bound to be caught.
Eventually the thing's excitement subsided and
I was able to persuade it to open my cage door. Immediately I ran to the food
bowl and reluctantly dipped my chest into the red gunk, withdrawing as quickly
as possible. Then I distanced myself from it - so as not to arouse suspicion
- and arranged myself on the floor, so as to look like the victim of an attack.
The bird was still crashing about the room - good. I started to yowl pathetically
at the very top of my voice; and I have an incredibly good voice. Really, it
was almost opera.
As I had predicted, the devoted giantling came
pounding up the stairs, breathing incredibly heavily. It burst into the room,
chest heaving and face scarlet, and saw this; me, whom it loved dearly, clearly
the victim of an attack from the bird now perched on a lamp and squawking loudly.
Of course, it rushed to comfort me, leaving the door wide open. In a flash,
I shot between its legs and out of the door, running down the stairs and towards
There followed a desperate chase through the
house, for the giantling knew her home and I did not; but I was faster than
her and did not tire so easily, so it was fairly evenly matched. After about
half an hour, the giantling was puffing and panting fit to burst, and even I
was a little tired. Then came a sound from which we both drew hope: the sound
of Noisy's approach on the gravel. It had been out doing something for quite
some time, but now it had returned… and to get in, it had to open the front
By then I had acquired a rough map in my head
of the huge house; I bolted for the front door and arrived just as Noisy opened
it. I sprinted for the door, my aching muscles protesting, and made it out onto
the street. I was safe.
The first thing I did was to scratch and scratch
at that hateful collar until it tore and fluttered to the ground. After I had
ripped it up I felt much better.
Now, I have taken up residence in a delightful
building called the Kadoatery. There are many other Kadoaties here - some are
"regulars" and some come once and never again. I have already made the acquaintance
of the whole row. There are a few lovely coats here, but mine, naturally, is
the best. I've always been told I was beautiful, but until I arrived here I
never fully realized it. Regular grooming and attention is expected and received
here, along with trips outside of the cages. As for food… ah, you only have
to demand what you want, and it will arrive within the hour. It is also a chance
to show off one's vocal talents - the louder and more glorious your voice is,
the quicker you are fed. I have been first throughout the day. The Kadoatie
in the cage next to mine tells me that it's a holiday home for Kadoaties. I
shouldn't be surprised if it was better than their actual homes - it's certainly
better than mine was. I am perfectly happy here.
If this were a pathetic human fairy-tale then
I might end this diary "And they all lived happily ever after." Well, I plan
to do so, but by no means will the same be true for other people…