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The Top 30 Uses for Jelly


by reelhorrorshow

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Ah, Jelly. Yes, we all indeed have heard of this low-calorie dish, notorious for its mysterious origins (OMG Jelly World WHAT R U TALKIN' ABOUT?!) and its widely ranging flavors that put even the trickiest Alien Aisha dishes to shame. I’m not going to lie; despite their unusual flavor varieties available, every one of those rare delicacies are quite intriguing. But when it comes to the more exotic tastes of jelly, such as Fish and Dung, you’ll have to get a little more creative than simply eating it to put your food to its full potential. (Really. Don’t eat it. You’ll never be the same.) So, without further ado, I present to you my compiled list of the top 30 uses for jelly!

1. Too poor for a pirate paint brush? Hey, me too! Why not slap some pirate jelly onto your pet? Simply stick your Neopet’s head into the dish, and viola, a lovely do-rag to fake a more expensive color job!

2. Hey, petpets need some love too. For the smaller varieties, half a pirate jelly will do to give them a whole new look!

3. Out of your favorite cranberry side dish to compliment your Turkey Day feast? Not to worry, a little Cranberry jelly will solve your problem!

4. I’m pretty sure you can’t do much with Snotty Jelly, but give me a second. I’ll think of something...

5. Oh wait, I got it! Throw it at people! It’s the perfect prank! Just don’t throw it at Meuka. He’ll be unfazed.

6. Nobody wants to drink their Neocola warm. Top off your favorite fizz with half a Frozen Jelly.

7. Every have problems getting rid of your Miamouse infestation? I know I do! Leave a little Poisonous Jelly on the floor, and they’ll get a stomachache so bad they’ll never return.

8. Jelly Bread! It’s the best thing since...real bread! Make a sandwich with this and you’ll open a whole new world of culinary feats.

9. I just realized that there’s already a Jelly Sandwich, so here’s the new plan. Use Jelly bread to make a fake jelly sandwich. Yeah. That’s the ticket. Nobody will ever know.

10. Annoying in-laws in town? Offer them some Dung Jelly for dessert. Trust me. It works.

11. Chips and salsa are great appetizers to any fiesta! But have you ever tried Chips and Cornupepper Jelly?! Yeah, me neither.

12. I don’t know what you can do with a Jelly Eye Ball, but I know that if you poke it a lot, it dances! Dance, eye ball, dance!

13. Oh no, your Neopet’s got a booboo! Medicine? So overrated. Ice it with some Frozen Jelly to downsize the swelling.

14. Since Glowing Jelly is sort of...well, radioactive, you should probably just use it as a lamp. Really, it’s a great way to cut your energy bills in half.

15. Then, you can use Half Eaten Glowing Jelly for a night-light! Or...uhh...half a lamp.

16. Who doesn’t love the scent of lemon? Hang it from your rearview mirror and use it as air freshener!

17. This one time, I went camping, and at night it was really cold, and I had no blankets and no slippers and no heater and no campfire and no matches and no lighter fluid and no arsonists around to make me warm again. But learn from my mistakes, grasshopper, and on your next camping trip, don’t leave home without bringing Fire Jelly along. Your sensei will be proud.

18. Going fishing? Sick of catching those smelly old shoes? Use the newly invented Fish Jelly for bait! Fish love that rotting decomposing taste, and you’ll love the whopping ten-pounders you’ll catch using it. It’s a win-win situation!

19. Did you know? Neopets sometimes fake illness so they don’t have to do their chores. To separate fact from fiction, stick some Dung Jelly under their nose. If they can’t smell it, they’re telling they truth! Get them some decongestant immediately. If they pass out, then they’re faking! Be ready with a load of laundry when they wake up, cause that lie will cost them BIG TIME.

20. Did you ever notice how much Stone Jelly looks like a pet Rock? Well, it does. Sort of. Give it to your Neopet, see if it works.

21. When I try to look really technical, I carry around Robot Jelly. Then people stop me in the streets to ask what it is, and I tell them it’s a self-invented super computer. Then they start worshipping me for the technical genius I am. It’s pretty neat.

22. When I try to look only slightly technical, I carry around half a Robot Jelly. When people stop me in the streets, I tell them it’s a work in progress. Sometimes it’s better to be under-appreciated for your brilliance. It makes you more, you know, modest.

23. Baby Neopets love to make dirt pie and pass it off as a scrumptious dessert to give to their owners, but we know better than to eat that stuff. But, then again, refusing the present and making your poor dear cry isn’t too bright either. So, when they’re not looking, swap out their creation with the more appetizing Chocolate Jelly! Twice as tasty, twice as fattening, and nobody cries!

24. Gosh, I’m running out of ideas. I’m gonna go walk around with my Robot Jelly and try to be smart for a while.

25. ...

26. Okay, I’m back. My brain juices are flowin’ now!

27. Half of the Stone Jelly works very well as a paperweight, but how you get half of the Stone Jelly is the real question, because, honestly, who’s going to take that first bite to make it half of a jelly anyway?!

28. Wait, wait, I got it. Take the Robot Jelly and smash it against the Stone Jelly. Maybe that’ll work.

29. Great, I just tried it! What a mess. Soak up the fragmented pieces with some super absorbent Lime Jelly! Come on, you weren’t going to eat it anyway.

30. Hahaha! Yes, I made it! You didn’t think I’d come up with a whopping thirty uses, did you?! In your face!

31. I don’t think that one counted as a use, so, uhh. Here’s an idea. You know that Raspberry Jelly? It looks surprisingly good as a wig. Slap that baby on and you’re good to go.

So? What did you think? Who would have thought those daily freebies could serve such a multitude of purposes in your life? I know who. Somebody who read this article. Now you’re informed and ready to tackle the world with your newly discovered top 30 uses for jelly! So, my friend, I thank you for reading this. I know it may not have been fun, and it may not have been easy, but you’re better off now. No, really. I swear. You simply could not have gone on living without such vital information. But I can’t keep talking now; I’ve got more useful articles to write! I’ll see you later, maybe in a future issue of the Neopian Times! Okay? Until then, remember this:

No matter what crazy flavors the Neopian Team comes up with, Jelly will always be your loyal friend to the end, except Dung because all it’s good for is smelling really bad.

Until next time, Neopia!

 
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