Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 182,656,530 Issue: 231 | 16th day of Running, Y8
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Neopia's Most Depressing


by twirlsncurls5

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It has come to my attention that our beloved Neopia is under siege by a diabolical group that wants nothing more than to see us suffer, to have us sighing and moping in the dark behind closed curtains. They’re everywhere; sitting next to you in the coffee shop, waiting in line behind you at the chocolate factory, or even at your window this very moment. Some of them have even had their pathetic lies documented in the Neopedia.

Just who are these shameful, grotesque beings, you may ask? I advise that you sit down for this, because they are none other than…THE SAD ONES. I know…it was shocking to me too. But I knew these dismal maniacs couldn’t go on telling us their sob stories, depressing us for no reason, and eating our chocolate. Something had to be done.

And so this journalist decided to embark on a journey in which she too ate chocolate, stopped talking in the third person, and found out whether or not all the Neopians gallivanting around like tortured souls had a good reason to be sad or had ever actually been tortured.

My story began close to home where one of these “crybaby whinypants” had infiltrated well…my home. And that big baby was none other than my very own grey Kacheek, Aelura.

ME: Alright Depressanator, what methods of torture did they use? Dripping water? Empty threats? Incessant questions?

AELURA: You know the term ‘Tortured Soul’ doesn’t literally imply torture right?

ME: Pfft. You would say that wouldn’t you?

AELURA: …I did say it.

I realized my line of questioning wasn’t going anywhere; I needed a different angle if I was going to get her to talk about her morbid past. I remembered the old saying: misery loves sympathy. Or something like that.

ME: OMG I feel so bad for you, I’m lyke totally sympathetic.

AELURA: ?

ME: You know, because you’re so sad -wink, wink-

AELURA: What’s wrong with your eye?

ME: Ignore the eye. Just tell the readers out there about the part of your terrible life that made you look so miserable.

AELURA: Oh gee, I dunno…think it coulda been that Grey paint brush you bought me?

ME: -hugs Aelura- It’s okay, we’re gonna get through this! We’ll get you into some group therapy and straighten out all those bad memories of yours!

I was lying of course. There was no WAY I was going to pay for that. But in truth, her heart wrenching tale really opened my eyes. Did some of these pets actually have a reason to be so depressed? How many other genuinely sad stories were out there? I decided to find out.

ME: You’re looking a bit pale. What caused this strange occurrence?

GHOST LUPE: Death.

ME: Oh boy, here we go! I know your type buddy, just because you’re a stranded soul, unable to reach the afterlife you think EVERYBODY should feel bad for YOU!

GHOST LUPE: Actually I try to keep to myself. I’m really just looking for-

ME: -mocking tone- Look at mee, I’m undead! My true love was killed by natives and now I’m sooo saaad…BOO HOO!

One Neohospital trip later I was back on my feet. Who knew something with no solid form whatsoever could pack such a serious punch? This journalist obviously didn’t. But despite my clearly unnecessary concussion, I gained not only brain damage and a free lollypop, but a semi-important realization as well. Perhaps these so called “troubled individuals” were hiding something. Had I gotten too close to the truth?

Because all these smart thoughts made me hungry and the Chocolate Factory was sold out of Orange Chocolate Lupes, I ventured into the bakery. It was there I saw one of the most pathetic looking individuals I’d seen since that so-called “Happiness faerie” (You’re not fooling anyone with that costume by the way! I know you’re really that Lenny from Lenny Conundrum! That’s right, I’m on to you!).

This gloomy looking fellow was sitting on a shelf all limp and lifeless. It was as if a rain cloud sadly hung over him.

ME: Alright you, what are you people hiding? Is there some secret club? And if so, why wasn’t I ever invited!? Do you gather round and talk about how sad you are, is that it? Because I could come up with PLENTY of sad stories. Like this one: hey I was just at the Chocolate Factory and they were out of Orange Chocolate Lupes! How bout that?! Doesn’t that just jerk your heart strings? Bet you wanna invite me to your club now, huh?

Grey Doughnut: ...

The Doughnut (or ‘Doughy’ as he prefers to be called) and I went on to have a very meaningful discussion, one which he insisted be stricken from the record, so I can’t really disclose the details. But I will say that there is no club. I know…I was sad too.

But enough about that.

The next day, simply because I felt like it, my journey took me to the Lost Desert. But much to my dismay I didn’t see any gloomy ruins or scorched buildings in which sad pets would generally reside. I decided to question some locals.

ME: So where’s a girl gotta go to find some gloomy ruins and scorched buildings in which sad pets would generally reside?

PRINCESS AMIRA: Is this a serious question?

Me: Yes.

PRINCESS AMIRA: Well, you might want to check Qasala.

ME: Never heard of it.

PRINCESS AMIRA: Really? It was like, totally the focus of the entire Lost Desert Plot.

ME: Riight…Lost Desert Plot, excellent story. Loved the part about cheese. So uh, if this “Qasala” really did exist, where would I find it?

PRINCESS AMIRA: It’s literally like five feet away. I mean, you can’t miss it.

ME: So is that a right or a left?

PRINCESS AMIRA: Oh, by Coltzan’s crown…

ME: Who?

PRINCESS AMIRA: GUARDS!

This taught me a valuable lesson: palace guards are strong. I mean really strong; man can they throw far.

After spitting out at lest three buckets of sand, I made my way over to Qasala, no thanks to Princes Amira’s lousy directions. On the throne sat a very tired looking Kyrii who didn’t seem very eager to share his tortured past. But I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn’t leaving until I got some answers.

ME: I’m not leaving until I get some answers! So here’s how it’s gonna be, you tell me how “bad” you life was and I’ll pass judgment on it. Ready, GO!

JAZAN: Really now, couldn’t you just read the LDP like everyone else?

ME: There’s no time for that, you fool!

JAZAN: Very well, I’ll try to sum it up for you. You see there was this curse on me and my Kingdom and I though that the only way to lift it was to marry Princess Amira. But she didn’t want me because, I dunno, she’s a brat or something.

ME: Totally know what you mean, dude.

JAZAN: I know, right? But anyways, through a series of shocking twists and turns, I ended up marrying another princess. I was wrong about the curse part though; turns out it only brought my psycho monster Dad back from the dead. He tried to take over Neopia and everything, it was pretty crazy.

ME: So you’ve got some father issues. Big deal.

JAZAN: Father issues!? He was made of fire and he tried to kill me!

ME: Bah, get over it. Stuff like that happens to people all the time and you don’t see them whining about it!

JAZAN: Really? There are people whose dads have cursed their Kingdom with their magic powers and then tried to take over the world?

ME: Sure…

Needless to say, that guy was a HUGE crybaby. I was becoming more and more skeptical of all these Neopets who flooded our lives with their whining.

Because the word ‘flooded’ made me think of water and water made me think of how hot the Lost Desert was, I ventured into the underwater city of Maraqua, which, by the way, is mainly composed of water. Take that scholars!

The lack of breathable air made me pretty upset so I figured there were others who felt the same way.

ME: What is it about Maraqua that makes you so sad? The oxygen shortage, perhaps?

CAYLIS: Uh…no…it’s mostly because King Kelpbeard banished me because I kept having these terrible nightmares of his Kingdom being destroyed. I live in total isolation without any friends because my visions are so terrible and-

ME: Feeling…depressed…make it stop…

After I got a healthy dosage of air and Neopian Times comics to cheer me up, the cogs in my brain really started turning. It seemed to me like these crybabies were working together in their scheme to put us all in a bad mood. I knew I needed to get to the root of this problem so I paid a visit to the head honcho of sadness herself.

ME: Hello.

GREY FAERIE: Uh…hi.

I could tell she was already starting to crack like…something that cracks.

ME: Alright Grey faerie, what’s the story? What’s your connection to all those whiny Neopets out there who claim to have had it rough?

GREY FAERIE: Well…I don’t know about them, but I can assure you that my life was no peach cobbler.

Though I was slightly distracted by her mention of cobbler, I maintained my focus.

ME: Do go on.

GREY FAERIE: Well I was attacked by the dark faerie Jennumara-

ME: Pff…a likely story.

GREY FAERIE: No really.

ME: Oh yeah? Well why didn’t you just fly away?

GREY FAERIE: -sob- Because she cut off my wings and left me completely powerless!

ME: Oooh…this is awkward.

After listening to her blubber for another hour, I decided that I’d had enough. There are only so many exaggerated tearjerkers and biased complaints one can take.

It was after reviewing my notes that I came to the following conclusion: some Neopians are just starved for attention. I realized that the infestation of these monsters could be dealt with very easily. All anyone had to do was ignore them. Because if no one felt sorry for them, these downers would simply cry in their rooms and stop bothering the world.

Problem solved.

 
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