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PPL Problems

by haannsolo


There is little call to search for problems in Neopia. Like anyone, I could name about three hundred of them right now - doesn't it hurt the Snowager's throat, spitting out long, sharp icicles? How do the faeries stay so thin? Isn't there a slight problem of distrust when a completely new species of Neopet enters the world? Why does Sloth dress up as a Happy Faerie? Does he have gender confusion troubles? Is he striving to improve his admittedly deplorable attitude?

Uh…anyway, back on track. To the point: there are many things that just don't add up in Neopia, things that I believe warrant further investigation. But what I'm talking about is more a problem of management. Those naughty Chia Police, you ask? Ah, no…what I am about to point out is a far more subtle problem. The scheming, cheating, lazy Petpet Protection League (otherwise known as the PPL).

Anyone who's ever used the Petpet Lab Ray just can't help raising their fist and shouting out a few nasty things at the PPL. Why? Well, isn't it obvious? Just think of the fortunes to be made when your Buzzer turns into a Faerie Kadoatie. You spend about two thousand, and you end up with enough to buy a paint brush. So once you've got that map, you're rich. Right?

Wrong. Of course, the infernal PPL has to put their foot in it. For whatever reason (plot? Must check that out), they refuse to allow you to sell labbed petpets. Oh, and they claim to be worried about the poor little critters. The liars.

In fact, we are led to believe that this "Petpet Protection League" has something else up their sleeve, something far more sinister. One just can't help wondering why TNT puts up with this insensible demand. Surely the almighty TNT should be able to intervene if they disagree.

But are they? It certainly isn't pleasant to think of the PPL threatening to let loose hordes of ferocious Meepits to enslave Neopia, but the possibility must be considered. And you have to admit that even TNT might be swayed by such drastic measures.

I am sure that by this point I have convinced you, if not completely of the PPL's plot to destroy all Neopia, that something needs to be done. However, there may be some stubborn people out there who require even more proof to make them see the plain truth. So we will now turn to the subject of the very most vile and reprehensible activity practiced by the infamous Krawks of Krawk Island: Petpet Cannonball.

I mean, seriously! What is up with that? There's the PPL, looking down on honest Neopians that use the Petpet Lab Ray, and right under their noses innocent petpets are being…well, used as cannonballs by the scurviest beings you can imagine. Pirates.

In order to better research my topic, I took the liberty of traveling to Krawk Island with the intention of witnessing the game firsthand. The pirates were all too eager to let me on board, and the first thing they did was to show me exactly how a cannon worked. Marvelously simple. All you had to do was light the end and pull something and…well, when they did it part of the side of the ship was reduced to smithereens, though I'm not sure whether that's supposed to… Well, anyway, it furthered my point. It's bad enough being jammed inside a cannon and having tipsy pirates try to shoot you into a basket without their motor skills being, er, less than one might hope for.

Worse yet, these pirates are absolutely shameless. The hand of the PPL is elsewhere and they have never even been reached by it. They were very excited about entertaining a guest, and they were also, I suspect, very excited about having one more player for their barbaric game. Understandably, in the course of duty I had to go along with them, which involved - well - slight participation in the game myself. They would have gotten suspicious otherwise, you see, and I certainly couldn't have that.

So it was kind of fun. Okay, so it was really fun. But that's still no excuse…

Then you have your basic, everyday petpet owner. You may not be aware of exactly how many "avatar petpets" are abandoned every day by careless, inhumane people; you may take it from me however that the statistics, while highly confidential, are most alarming. Why does the PPL allow this to continue? Instead, they waste their time ranting on about the lab ray.

Speaking of which, you probably already know that Neopia Central has a petpet problem. A major problem. A Kadoatie problem.

It is more or less taken for granted that one, petpets should be fed, and two, part of the PPL's job is to defend Neopians from petpets that are simply nuisances. First of all, the Kadoaties in the Kadoatery are not cared for properly, which is utterly unfair to whoever leaves them there - and pays for their care, incidentally - and expects them to receive proper treatment. But the mysterious individuals in charge of the Kadoatery find it easier and far less expensive to satisfy the Kadoaties' cravings for food by offering trophies (which cost fifteen Neopoints to make in mass-production) to any kind Neopians willing to help. And these Kadoaties have a taste for luxury. They can't just eat an egg; oh no, it has to be a Blue Draik Egg. Needless to say, the people are cheated out of millions of Neopoints every day by lack of intervention on the part of the PPL.

At this point I'm sure you're shocked. Shocking, you say, shocking, that such blatant treachery should go unnoticed and unpunished. All through their miserable lives poor little petpets are maltreated and malnourished, hopping from pet to pet and being bought and sold like common, mundane objects such as Chokatos and hairbrushes.

Yes, all through their life they are cheated by that unspeakable organization that calls itself the "Petpet Protection League". But even that's not enough for them. Oh, no. The petpets are haunted even in death!

Like millions of other Neopians, you've probably played Whack-A-Ghost. When sweet tiny petpets pop out of their graves, intending only to greet the gamer, the gamer triumphantly whacks them over their spectral heads with a dead heavy gravestone. If you don't hit them, you lose the game. So it's hit them on the head or lose. (Of course, you should choose the second option there. It's only ethical.) Which, to me, seems like possibly the cruelest crime to be committed against petpets today.

So rise, fellow Neopians, rise in protest against the evil PPL! Better to join forces with Sloth than to victimize defenseless petpets! I'm not entirely sure how to boycott the PPL, but you could always drop them a letter…if you can find their address…

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