A Note from Dr. Sloth: How to Ruin Neopia's Economy
THIS MESSAGE WAS INTERCEPTED FROM A NEOPIAN MAILCARRIER. HE WAS NOT SERIOUSLY
Dear Neopets Team:
The following is a list of things you could do to completely ruin the lives
of all Neopians. Strike them at their heart: their economy! With it gone, I,
Dr. Sloth, could—I mean *you guys* could totally control the world! Think of
it! Statues dedicated to the fine and handsome ruler of Neopia! Me!—I mean you.
Many Neopians don't know about the secret, underground workings of their economy.
They don't realize how hard it is to make sure everything is on track, that
one little thing gone wrong could destroy them! I, Dr. Sloth, sympathize with
you. It’s time we teach those ignorant Neopians what would happen with the center
of their world gone!
The list is as follows:
1) Turn each and every Pile of Dung into a Darigan Sword of Death [that's a
70-icon Battledome item of which there is only one in existence]
This would completely destroy all Battledome-related income. With the most
powerful weapon the cheapest, ALL weapons would become useless. The Battledome
would be crushed as level 1 Neopets destroy the Snowager in one turn! Chaos!
Yay! Doom! Muahahahahahaha! The Hidden Tower would go out of business along
with the Battle Magic Shop! Codestones would be as worthless as Toy Sail Boats!
This is exactly what you want to have happen! And the best part is, they won’t
know that it’s happening because they’ll think they’re “all that” with their
fancy weapons, and not realizing Neopia has fallen.
2) Allow infinite scores to be sent for all games
Even games like Hannah and the Ice Caves where you automatically get 1000 neopoints
just for completing one of the levels! Neopoints would be trash! The Hidden
Tower would become the Money Tree! More Doom! More Chaos! Adam would look like
a newbie in comparison to all the users who send 5000 scores of 1000NP each
day! With the value of money decreased, item costs would go up, and you would
need to pay 700k for a Wet Snowball, but then users would be like, "Pch, that's
not even a thousandth of my daily interest." There would be more numbers in
each person's bank account than in the binary coding of the Neopets servers!
3) Retire Piles of Dung
With the most worthless item retired, things probably wouldn't happen right
away. First, prices would rise only a little, to something like 10NP, then 100,
then 1000, and keep expanding until the most useless item ever became the most
coveted! People would say, "I remember the good old days when a pile of dung
cost just 1NP," and their grandchildren would open their mouths in awe. Wouldn't
it please you to see grandchildren in awe of cheap Dung? Chaos! Doom! Dung!
4) Take away user shops, as well as trading, auctioning, and any other method
of trading items for money
Restocking gone! The Neopian shops would be sold out 24/7! Neopoints would
increase in value, and would decrease in number as the exchange of money in
shops disappeared. Money would vanish into the hands of the lifeless Neopian
shopkeepers, some of whom would vanish themselves, such as the toyshop keeper,
because one nail varnish could satisfy your pets for eternity and toys would
become useless without the ability to buy and sell them for a higher price.
Doom! Destruc—I think you get the idea.
5) Have a Giant Everlasting Apple Tree, where users could just go and pick
up an everlasting apple [Hidden Tower item that can be eaten for ever and never
disappear] as easy as an omelette
Food shops? BAM! Uber Earth faerie? BAM! Value of Everlasting Apples? BAM!
With the most efficient source of food the most common, the food shops across
Neopia would vanish from existence! No one would need to buy food when an everlasting
supply was free! The Giant Omelette would rot as people started to distance
themselves from food that only lasted three meals. The Earth Faerie, who makes
your pets bloated for completing one of quests, would be itemless as Neopians
fill their pets to bursting! Not only that, the value of Dung would decrease,
if you get my drift.
6) Take away all items from the site
This...now, THIS would completely ruin everything. With no items on the site,
Neopoints would become absolutely useless! People would be running through the
streets, yelling, "I'll never get any avatars!" or "My pets are starving!" Mufufufufufu.
Yes.....CHAOS! DOOM! MADNESS! The use of neopoints would be gone, and everything
would fall apart!
7) Take away all neopoints from the site
This has to take the cake. With all neopoints gone, games would be useless.
Wheels would become rusty. People would be reduced to bartering, and no one
would ever know the value of an item. Dubloons would become the national currency,
and soon Krawk Island would take over Neopia! The Lost Desert would be dug up
in search of Dubloons, the shop wizard and auction genie would go out of business,
and the trading post would be filled past its maximum government-regulated capacity!
No one could tell how much anything was worth, and Codestones would be traded
for Battle Ducks! DOOM! CHAOS! LAWSUITS OVER THE TRADING POST!
8) Take away…….Neopets!
Yes! No snotty creatures to stop my plans! No dumb animals pulling my levers!
All Battledome items would become pointless, as well as food, grooming items,
toys, Codestones, petpets, petpet supplies, pharmaceutical items, Paint Brushes,
Bottled Faeries, Kacheek Seek, most avatars, all Uber Faeries, Jubjub Blackjack,
the Petpet Lab Ray, the Rainbow Fountain, Transmogrification potions, the Healing
Springs, Cheeseroller, Morphing potions, the Swashbuckling Academy, the Lab
Ray, the Employment Agency, the Mystery Island Training School, Round Table
Poker, Petpet Paint Brushes, Morphing potions, the beauty contest, the pet spotlight,
the petpet spotlight, the Secret Ninja Academy, the PPL,…..I could rant forever,
but I think you can already see what impact this would have on Neopian society.
And there you go, eight easy ways you, the Neopets Team, could destroy Neopia's
economy and ruin its inhabitants' lives forever. That would be just grand. Almost
as grand as a big Toffee Classic. OOOooohhhhh. Ahem.
Dr. Frank Sloth
P.S. I forgot to mention doom, destruction, and chaos in that last one, but
they should have been included.