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Food Club: Behind the Scenes

by pianoru


(The following is a transcript of an on-scene sports report presented live on Krawk Island.)

Elle E. Funt: "Good afternoon, Food Club fans! My name is Elle E. Funt, and I have something special in store for you today. You can watch the Food Club competitions any day, but today we'll be taking a behind-the-scenes look at this exciting Krawk Island game! We'll have live reporting during the match, of course, but we'll also present interviews with the competitors before and after the games. As we wait for our field reporter to arrive, let's review some Food Club history.

"Legend has it that this game originated when a waiter at the Golden Dubloon, Aye E. Shuh, was fired for eating most of the customers' meals before he got it to their table. In retaliation for being fired over what he believed was a minor transgression, Aye hired a group of pirates, raided the Golden Dubloon, and stole all their food. This led to an unusual conundrum, though - the pirates had a shipful of perishable food and no refrigeration! Aye instructed his men to eat everything. As the pirates gobbled the stolen food as quickly as they could, a crowd began to gather and make bets on which pirate would eat their portion the fastest, and the game of Food Club was born.

"Now let's go to our field reporter, Mo Hawg, who's reporting to us live from the room where the contestants are preparing for today's match. Mo?"

Mo Hawg: "Thank you, Elle. As you can hear, there's quite a lot of commotion here as everyone prepares for the competition in his own way. Let's see if I can get an interview with some of the pirates... oh, here come the Corvallio brothers! Hello, Franchisco, Frederismo! I understand that you're competing in the same arena today. Tell me, how is the relationship between the two of you? Any sibling rivalry?"

Franchisco Corvallio: "Nay, there be no rivalry here! Me brother knows that I can best him in any eating contest with me fork hand tied behind me back!"

Frederismo Corvallio: "Arr, ye scurvy scalawag! Don't be forgetting that I outweigh ye! I'll be the champion today, mark me words!"

Mo Hawg: "Ok, thanks for -"

Franchisco: "Ye don't outweigh me! On weighing day ye hid dubloons in yer hat! I can beat ye at anything, any time!"

Mo Hawg: "Erm, well then -"

Frederismo: "Them's fighting words! Draw yer sword before I rip ye apart and leave yer bones fer the dogs!"

Mo Hawg (hurrying away): "Well, what an... interesting interview that was! I wouldn't want to go to those family reunions! Oh, look who’s coming now - it’s Orvinn the First Mate! Orvinn, may I have a quick word with you?"

Orvinn the First Mate: "Mmmphllmmffppff!"

Mo Hawg: "Erm... I’ll take that as a yes. Let me ask a question while you finish chewing. Some people are surprised that, as the heaviest pirate, you have such a low win record. Do you have any ideas why that might be?"

Orvinn: "Nay, it’s a puzzle! I practice before each match by eating twenty pounds of candy and ten large pizzas, and I never have any trouble, but fer some reason I always get full during the match! I suspect Young Sproggie of sabotaging the matches... ye know how devious Meercas are!"

Mo Hawg: "You practice before each match? Um... do you suppose that might have something to do with getting full later?"

Orvinn: "What’re ye saying? Arr... never mind, got to get me pizza out of the oven!"

Mo Hawg: "Okay, then... ooh, look, it’s Gooblah the Grarrl! Mr. Grarrl, your impressive size and amazing strength have made you the dominant eater in these competitions, with an incredible win rate of 65%!"

Gooblah the Grarrl: "Aye... and I’d win them all if that scalawag Young Sproggie didn’t cheat! Scurvy dog..."

Mo Hawg: "Well, regardless of that, you have a fantastic record. But some people have criticized your fashion sense. Tell me, what are you thinking with that ridiculous outfit?"

Gooblah (glaring): "If ye had done yer research, ye’d know that everybody loves me fashion sense! At least, everybody who wants to live to see another day... now... what were ye saying about me outfit?"

Mo Hawg: "Um... nothing, nothing at all! That’s the best outfit I’ve ever seen! Thanks for the interview - gotta go!

"It’s almost 2:00 now, so I’m going to move to the Harpoon Harry’s arena to watch the match! Today’s competitors in that arena are Young Sproggie, Ned the Skipper, Puffo the Waister, and Stuff-A-Roo. The odds favor Puffo; he’s not the strongest of pirates, but he’s quite heavy, and the courses include several of his favorites. Ned the Skipper is the strongest of this group, but he’ll be served more courses that he’s allergic to than courses that he likes. Young Sproggie has a fair chance, but his inexperience and small size may be his downfall. Stuff-A-Roo is the long shot to win; he’s nearly the weakest of all the twenty Food Club pirates.

"The match is starting! Puffo the Waister is getting off to an early start with the smoothies and slushies, while Ned the Skipper is having troubles with his dairy allergies. Stuff-A-Roo is falling behind... but wait! The competitors are working on the worm and leech pizza, a favorite of Stuff-A-Roo’s, and he’s catching up! Ooh, looks like the worms and leeches are getting to Young Sproggie; he’s turning a bit green, but he managed to get it down. Puffo is now regaining his lead with the mallowicious bar, while Young Sproggie is having more difficulty with the apple onion rings. Oh, my! Stuff-A-Roo has toppled over backwards, and... he’s snoring! What a mistake! Ned the Skipper is making better speed now, but I don’t think he’ll manage to recover from his early allergy problems. Puffo is on the last course now, and he looks like a sure winner... but wait! He seems to be having an allergic reaction to the spicy wings! I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any bigger, but he’s swelling to twice his normal size! Young Sproggie is now working on the spicy wings, which are a favorite of his... and Young Sproggie has finished! The lightweight Meerca has pulled off a win! Let’s see if we can get an interview... Mr. Sproggie! May I speak to you for a moment?"

Young Sproggie: "Aye, ye want to have a word with the champion? Pretty impressive eating, wouldn’t ye say? Be sure ye photograph me good side!"

Mo Hawg: "Mr. Sproggie, during the match, your opponents were sidelined by unusually strong allergic reactions, during which the focus was taken off of you. Coincidentally, those were the times when you seemed to finish your courses at an incredible rate. There have been allegations of cheating made against you. What is your response to that? And what’s that large lump under your jacket that smells like apple onion rings?"

Young Sproggie: "Ooh... I just remembered that I need to... um... wax me eyebrows! Sorry, no more questions!"

Mo Hawg: "Hmm... well, that was an exciting match, wasn’t it! Back to you, Elle!"

Elle E. Funt: "Thanks, Mo! We’re out of time, but I hope everyone enjoyed this Food Club special special report! Be sure you buy your tickets for tomorrow's show, which we'll be presenting at the Go! Go! Go! competition on the Tyrannian Plateau!"

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