The Books that Never Quite Made It
Have you ever wondered about the books that never made it into Neopia? Wondered
about what troves of knowledge they hold? I, accompanied by my faithful (if rather
sadistic) pet, Keesifow, went to find out more.
After an extensive search, we unearthed a list of a few of the most “interesting”
books that never made it to Neopia’s masses. After an even more lengthy negotiation
process with the eccentric owner of this list, he finally gave us permission
to “borrow” it (He is going to throw a fit when he sees this article).
And now, without further introduction, allow me to present the one and only
list of Deleted Books of Neopia:
Book One, The Trail to the Lab: This book leads straight to the lab
map. Obviously, TNT did not want this laying around. And what a shame this was,
because this book had some VERY interesting insights into the Laboratory Ray.
Book Two, Mesmerization for Mystics: This was a wonderful book written
by the exclusive Island Mystic. Unfortunately, it always gave out the Island
Mystic avatar, and was discontinued.
Book Three, The Story Book of Stories: This book taught your Neopets
how to make books for you! Just imagine, you would be rich as a king in no time!
Too bad for us Neopians, but the book shop owners banned this one because they
feared it would drive them out of business.
Book Four, A Map of Neopia’s Stars: This book held maps to the homes
of ALL Neopia’s star residents; from Fyora to the Tooth Faerie, this book had
everything! Yet (for some odd reason) many Neopian stars did NOT want this book
around, and it was confiscated.
Book Five, What REALLY Happens to MANY Abandoned Pets: This book was
published by Dr. Death to try to stir Neopians to adopt pets in the pound. This
book’s publication was rejected along the lines that it was too depressing and
the title was far too long.
Book Six, All the Dead People the Brain Tree Could Ever Want to Know About:
Yet again, this book was rejected for having a super-long title. (Not to mention
the fact that the Esphagor got SO mad that no one was coming to him with quests,
that he ate Rip Van Usul. Who is Rip Van Usul, you may ask? I do not know. Go
Book Seven, The Anatomy of your Average Berry: This book was just plain
boring. It was published by the Lupe that runs the Pick Your Own berry game.
The only really good thing about it is it smells much like a true berry! You
would have to read it fast, though, or it goes rotten.
Book Eight, Guilds for the Guildless: This was a wonderful read for
most owners, but put a large percentage of Neopets to sleep.
Book Nine, Make your own Piano: This had all the instructions your Neopet
needed to make its own Piano! The result of this folly was many sleepless owners
and a skyrocket in the price of firewood. Not to mention the angry sellers of
Book Ten, Sloth's Biography: This was a fascinating book, and it is
rumored that Lord Kass drew many of his more maniacal ideas from a stray copy.
This book was banned due to the alarming amount of baby Neopets suddenly morphing
into mutants. . .
Book Eleven, How to Effectively Clean your Neohome: Alright, this one
WAS made to convince your pets to clean your neohome. It also convinces lazy
owners to upgrade their dirt floor when their Neopet reaches the “Sweeping”
Book Twelve, Ten Ways to Bless Happily: This book was just plain boring
for anyone but faeries. Not to mention it caused many minor injuries when pets
began messing with some of the earth faeries' spells.
Book Thirteen, Bad luck for Edna: This caused a huge increase in Edna’s
quests (after all who wouldn’t feel bad for a poor Zafara orphan who had been
forced at age two to make a living to support her siblings?) until one Neopet
realized it was completely false. That pet was never seen again.
Book Fourteen, Shadow the Lupe, Shadow the Koi: These books were both
banned at the same time, owing to the alarming amount of lawsuits from both
book authors, each one say the other had copied him.
Book Fifteen, Neopian Times Madness: This was a grand book for all aspiring
Neopian Times writers! It even held suggestions as to what to write about, and
fill-in-the-blank articles! Yet (for some odd reason) TNT decided it was too
much like cheating, and the book was destroyed.
Book Sixteen, The Snowager: This book is a Biography of the young petpet,
used to test the experimental petpet Lab Ray, and was consequently turned into
a monster! Rather like Edna’s book, there was no proof whatsoever that this
book was true, and it was discontinued.
Book Seventeen, Save the Slorgs: This was written by a slorgs rights
activist, in protest to the large amount of Slorg hunting in Meridell. This
angered Neopia’s farmers so greatly that the author was subjected to a prison
term in King Skarl’s dungeon. While many people have searched for this author
in the dungeon, he has not yet been found.
Book Eighteen, Avatar Mania: This book was written for avatar crazies,
complete with an up-to-date record of all the current avatars, how to get them,
and some tips. Once again, this book was banned by TNT for being overly helpful
in collecting avatars. What a disappointment.
Book Nineteen, Punchbag Bob: This book was about the Battledome hero
we all love and cherish, Punchbag Bob. This book was banned for its rather graphic
wording on the pain of Punchbag Bob, which was deemed inappropriate for younger
Well, there you have it. The nineteen deleted books of Neopia. Want to learn
more? Join me and my sardonic Neopet next time, as we attempt to answer the
pointless mysteries of Neopia!
Thanks for reading! If you can see this, please send me feedback on my
first Neopian Times article!