Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 105,225,448 Issue: 209 | 23rd day of Gathering, Y7
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Happy Home Hunting

by extreme_fj0rd


Also by year_of_the_fox

Year_of_The_fox: Good morning citizens of Neopia! We're here to tell you that we're taking over your pathetic little lives... Or something...

Extreme_fj0rd: Quiet or they'll hear us! Um, she means that we're here to tell you about all the lovely things you can do in the various places one can build one's Neohome.

Fox: Oh! Right! And the things that are not so lovely... So basically we're telling you about the pros and cons of places. I'm Fox here. I'll be pointing out the obvious faults of life in wherever we're examining.

Fj0rd: And I'll be telling you the obvious benefits, of which there are many, MANY more than whatever "faults of life" Fox thinks she can come up with.

Fox: Yeah yeah sure sure. Keep dreaming. Anyways. I suppose we should start off by turning you all into mindless--I mean showing you the first place we examine, which is my own backyard!...Well...It's Neopian Central. And my backyard is in Neopian Central...Yeah.

Fj0rd: So is mine, you silly. At least, my front yard is... I don't think I actually have a backyard. Anyway! Neopia Central is a very nice place for your pets to live, mainly because there are almost never wars there. Wars are very nasty things and almost certainly consist of your Neohome being destroyed, set on fire, or knocked over. Also, since there are a lot of people living there, you and your pets can talk to a wide variety of pets and owners, rather than the smaller groups that inhabit some of the other worlds.

Fox: Yes yes. But you see, among those many people are the ever dreaded IDIOTS who come over to your house in the middle of the night asking if they can borrow a island paint brush. There are also long abandoned houses of people who never come anymore and you can hear the groaning and moaning of their Neopets who are trapped inside without food. Plus, with all the shops nearby you've got people coming through at all hours, with their little screaming baby Neopets who don't want to go to the Hospital for a check-up, and their fussy little Aishas who keep complaining about how they don't even like hotdogs. Very very annoying. It's hard to get any sleep there. Trust me... I should know.

Fj0rd: Well, ah... I'm sure they're really very nice people if you get to know them.

Fox: Fj0rd.... You're... Never mind. That still doesn't make up for the groaning, starving Neopets next door and the people with noisy Neopets coming down the street at all hours. And it doesn't help that they don't have sound proof walls out yet.

Fj0rd: ... Let's move on, shall we?

Fox: Fox: 1 Fj0rd: 0. I win this round! But yes. Next we move west to the lovely overgrown peasant land of Meridell! There are plenty people here to brain wash--I mean... plenty of things here to examine.

Fj0rd: It's very quiet and peaceful in Meridell, as there aren't too many people living here yet. Most of the inhabitants can't read or write, but they're very pleasant conversationalists. Also, Illusen the Earth Faerie lives in Meridell, so if you're doing her Quests you won't have as far to go to her Glade--in fact, you can probably walk there.

Fox: But their entertainment consists of counting vegetables and betting on fast Turdles...What fun. And there's the hazard of accidentally waking up the Turmaculus and having your beloved petpet which you spent thousands of neopoints on eaten alive. And the smell... Meridell's prided rubbish heap can be smelled from acres away. Definitely not pleasant. Oh and the Slorg problems there are the worst in Neopia. You could leave your house and come back to find your lovely garden eaten by multicolored slorgs! Plus, you could get run over by falling wheels of cheese.

Fj0rd: Yes, well, it's true that some of the games in Meridell aren't that much fun. But what about Ultimate Bullseye? That's incredibly amusing--besides, you can also go to Meridell Castle, where you can meet the famous knight Jeran and maybe even get his autograph. And there are tons of great games in Meridell Castle, like Escape from Meridell Castle, where you try to escape from... uh... Meridell Castle. Yeah, so they're not that great at coming up with game names.

Fox: I suppose. But what if you're painted Darigan and try to go to the castle and get shot down by arrows because they think you're going to try and invade again! And there have been TWO wars there. TWO wars in a row at that! Your Neohome isn't all too safe there. And that citadel that floats ominously in the sky blocks the sun quite a bit.

Fj0rd: But the wars are over now! So you can build your Neohome there in complete safety.

Fox: But there could still be another one. That citadel never went away. That has to be a sign!

Fj0rd: Fox, you think -everything- is a sign. "Oh! Look! A Kau! I'll have good luck today!" and then proceed to trip and fall over. In other words, I wouldn't say that's much of a "sign".

Fox: Shush! I never say Kaus are lucky. I think DRAIKS are lucky. And I've never had a bad day after seeing a Draik! Anyways. I think we should move on.

Fj0rd: Ha-HA! One point to me, I believe? Very well. We'll proceed to the east, where Brightvale is, kingdom of awesome windows and knowledge and stuff.

Fox: And very stuck up people who think they're always right.

Fj0rd: We are always right! I mean they. Honestly, Fox, they've spent their whole lives studying this stuff, of course they'll know a bit more than the average Neopian citizen.

Fox: But they don't have open minds! They can't even accept that a stereo-system is NOT magic. Honestly. And what's with the street names? The Knowledge Highway? Knowitall Road? Sheesh. That just proves further that they're knowitall idiots who can't do anything but make windows. WHICH I MAY ADD don't even give you enough reading light.

Fj0rd: True, the windows don't let in much light, but you're not supposed to put them all around your house. A couple for decoration, that's all. And if you want to have lots of Brightvale windows, why not? There are such things as lamps, remember.

Fox: But lamps are expensive. Using windows is much more cost efficient and if the windows don't let in light, then what's the point? Really. And they're on a rivalry with Meridell. There could be war at any given moment. You don't have a safe house there. (Or in Meridell). And I'm sure that the average Neopian couldn't even keep up a decent conversation with someone there. It would be "What's your view on the trigilatral frwiga complex problems?" And they'd be all.... "Uhh... yeah."

Fj0rd: Rivalry, yes. War, no. Remember, Brightvale (other than being the place for knowledge and nice windows) values peace. Peace = no war. So no war.

Fox: Still. Meridell could attack. They don't really value peace, with two wars and all. And if they attack and Brightvale doesn't fight back, your Neohome is good as gone.

Fj0rd: They wouldn't fight back, they would defend their kingdom. They have an Armoury, remember? They just don't sell weapons. Anyway, we could debate this for the whole article, but our poor victims--er, readers--are probably getting bored of Brightvale.

Fox: ANOTHER POINT! It's as boring as watching Turmy all day. Nothing to do but read. But we're out of time. Boo hoo. What's the score so far? Fox: 2 Fj0rd:1 Right?

Fj0rd: ... Something like that. Until next time, I'm Fj0rd.

Fox: And I'm Fox. Until we see you again, Happy Home Hunting! Remember; Home Hunting is a Dangerous sport and should be played with extreme caution. The standard equipment should always be used.

Fj0rd: And remember kids, don't try this at home. Actually, do. Um, don't. Um... don't sue us, please.

Fox: Yeah... Um...OVER AND OUT!

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