The Top 11 Ways to Survive a Power Outage
Author's Note: Most *coughallcough* of this article is sarcastic and should
not be taken seriously. Anyone who *does* take it seriously deserves to get a
shampoo bottle chucked at them.
In the Dark – Recently I, a dedicated Neopian known to spend five or more hours
playing Meerca Chase alone, have been forced to endure a ten hour power outage,
or in other words, a "reality is down for maintenance." Luckily, I had known
about this a full two days before it occurred, so of course I was prepared for
a fun internet-free day of Neopets-related activities. Those readers who have
good foreshadowing abilities already know what happened - I was bored within
the first ten minutes.
So that none of you fine, hopefully sane, readers will have to go through this,
I suggest going to your power company and- no, wait, I suggest you read this
- the top eleven things to do when your power is out (and maintain sanity in
the process). Just remember to print this out now, so in the event of an actual
power outage, you won't run out of toilet paper.
11) Sit there bored and wish that you were playing Neopets
Well, what do you expect? That's going to be the first thing you'll do no matter
if I say so or not. Bah. Alright, alright, I'll actually try and think of something
10) Write an article for the Neopian Times
Just get a pencil, some paper, and a white Weewoo, and start writing! Make
sure you use big words like "fortuitous", "antidisestablishmentarianism", and
"methylchloroisothiazolinone" to “enhance your writing” (make you sound smart).
For those special people who do not know what "methylchloroisothiazolinone"
is (and I am looking your way DICTIONARY!), it is the ingredient found on virtually
EVERY shampoo bottle in all of existence (spelling may differ slightly depending
on brand), and it literally means "orange dye 41.” Hah hah, just kidding folks,
I have no idea what "methylchloroisothiazolinone" means, because I had more
important things to do (like paint my nails, for instance) than pay attention
in Chemistry class.
But I have digressed from my point, which was writing an article for the Neopian
Times. When you're done writing your article chock-full of big words, the power
should already be back on. All you have to do now is type it up and send it
in via the submission form, where you will promptly receive a rejection letter
because you chose to write about shampoo bottles and not Neopets. See, wasn't
9) Make a picture for the Art Gallery
All that you have to do is draw out a picture of your favorite Neopet, or possibly
brand of shampoo, then when the power comes back on scan it and send it on in!
What do you mean you don't have a scanner!!? That's not my problem! My problem
is that I don't, either. Oh well. Let's proceed to the next activity on your
"has it been 10 hours yet?" itinerary.
8) You know you're bored when you use the word "itinerary"
7) Write a poem for the Poetry Gallery
Well, I'm not really that much of a poet (and I really ought to know it), but
I think I can lend you a few suggestions. Just make sure you give them back
by Tuesday, okay?
Anyway, using literary devices makes you and your poem sound professional:
Bad: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sloth is tall and has an olive hue.
Good: Roses are alliteration red, violets are metaphorically blue, Sloth is
tall and has onomatopoeia.
Not good but definitely funny: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sloth is tall
and doesn't use shampoo.
See how much better even a simple poem can be with the right literary techniques?
Oh yeah, and another thing... make sure your poem is about Neopets, or
it’s the Neopian Times article all over again.
6) Create personalities for your Neopets
Yes, it is very fun to create personalities for your Neopets! Remember, they
should be complex and intricate.
Simple Personality (bad): _Usul_1265_Neo_ is a Usul! Ohemgee!
Complex personality (good): _Usul_1265_neo_ is a Usul and is pretty and likes
pink and likes to dance and talk with friends and do I get a trophy yet?
See...perfect! Once the power comes back on just slap that onto a pet lookup,
or possibly a beauty contest entry, and wham! The perfect pet personality! Extra
points if you use chatspeak. Speaking of which...
5) Think up new ways to C/-/@75P3@K!!!111!1111!1
17'5 L337! lol liek writing liek dis is fun 2! don't use capital letters and
have lots of speling/gramm'r/usages errors! is coolies! it roxxors liek 4ever
ne1 else think so? ne1 else even think at all? lol! liek btw fyi imo lol bbq
u need a translator rotfl! u r also really coolies if you use tons of smilies!
:) :P :D :3 :9 :O >< ^^ XD o___o x___x! ! !
4) Beg your power company to give you back power
Be sure to offer money and other trivial things such as your house or your
car or your soul as long as they give you back Neopets RIGHT NOW!
3) There is no #3.
I would have just left this reason out all together and called this the "The
Top Ten Ways to Survive a Power Outage", but that would have been too wild and
crazy for even me.
2) Take over the world!
Yes, why waste time doing all that other stuff! Take a hint from Sloth and
take over the world with that army of Grundos that’s been collecting dust in
your attic ever since you started playing Neo. Hey, this article only helps
you maintain sanity, not gain it. Just give good old Auntfalcor a tropical
island or two, eh?
1) And the best thing to do when the power goes out is...
WAIT! Are those the lights? Is that the fan!!? Sweet Fyora, THE POWER'S BACK
ON!!! Now you can boot up your computer, sign onto the internet, and log in
"Neopets is down for maintenance. Oops! Sorry, just a technical problem we
should be back very soon."
...Well, my faithful reader, you're on your own from here. If you need me,
I will be reading the ingredients off of my shampoo bottles.