Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 99,729,623 Issue: 198 | 8th day of Swimming, Y7
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The Top 11 Ways to Survive a Power Outage


by auntfalcor

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Author's Note: Most *coughallcough* of this article is sarcastic and should not be taken seriously. Anyone who *does* take it seriously deserves to get a shampoo bottle chucked at them.

In the Dark – Recently I, a dedicated Neopian known to spend five or more hours playing Meerca Chase alone, have been forced to endure a ten hour power outage, or in other words, a "reality is down for maintenance." Luckily, I had known about this a full two days before it occurred, so of course I was prepared for a fun internet-free day of Neopets-related activities. Those readers who have good foreshadowing abilities already know what happened - I was bored within the first ten minutes.

So that none of you fine, hopefully sane, readers will have to go through this, I suggest going to your power company and- no, wait, I suggest you read this - the top eleven things to do when your power is out (and maintain sanity in the process). Just remember to print this out now, so in the event of an actual power outage, you won't run out of toilet paper.

11) Sit there bored and wish that you were playing Neopets

Well, what do you expect? That's going to be the first thing you'll do no matter if I say so or not. Bah. Alright, alright, I'll actually try and think of something helpful.

10) Write an article for the Neopian Times

Just get a pencil, some paper, and a white Weewoo, and start writing! Make sure you use big words like "fortuitous", "antidisestablishmentarianism", and "methylchloroisothiazolinone" to “enhance your writing” (make you sound smart). For those special people who do not know what "methylchloroisothiazolinone" is (and I am looking your way DICTIONARY!), it is the ingredient found on virtually EVERY shampoo bottle in all of existence (spelling may differ slightly depending on brand), and it literally means "orange dye 41.” Hah hah, just kidding folks, I have no idea what "methylchloroisothiazolinone" means, because I had more important things to do (like paint my nails, for instance) than pay attention in Chemistry class.

But I have digressed from my point, which was writing an article for the Neopian Times. When you're done writing your article chock-full of big words, the power should already be back on. All you have to do now is type it up and send it in via the submission form, where you will promptly receive a rejection letter because you chose to write about shampoo bottles and not Neopets. See, wasn't that fun?

9) Make a picture for the Art Gallery

All that you have to do is draw out a picture of your favorite Neopet, or possibly brand of shampoo, then when the power comes back on scan it and send it on in! What do you mean you don't have a scanner!!? That's not my problem! My problem is that I don't, either. Oh well. Let's proceed to the next activity on your "has it been 10 hours yet?" itinerary.

8) You know you're bored when you use the word "itinerary"

Hush, you!

7) Write a poem for the Poetry Gallery

Well, I'm not really that much of a poet (and I really ought to know it), but I think I can lend you a few suggestions. Just make sure you give them back by Tuesday, okay?

Anyway, using literary devices makes you and your poem sound professional:

Bad: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sloth is tall and has an olive hue.

Good: Roses are alliteration red, violets are metaphorically blue, Sloth is tall and has onomatopoeia.

Not good but definitely funny: Roses are red, violets are blue, Sloth is tall and doesn't use shampoo.

See how much better even a simple poem can be with the right literary techniques? Oh yeah, and another thing... make sure your poem is about Neopets, or it’s the Neopian Times article all over again.

6) Create personalities for your Neopets

Yes, it is very fun to create personalities for your Neopets! Remember, they should be complex and intricate.

Simple Personality (bad): _Usul_1265_Neo_ is a Usul! Ohemgee!

Complex personality (good): _Usul_1265_neo_ is a Usul and is pretty and likes pink and likes to dance and talk with friends and do I get a trophy yet?

See...perfect! Once the power comes back on just slap that onto a pet lookup, or possibly a beauty contest entry, and wham! The perfect pet personality! Extra points if you use chatspeak. Speaking of which...

5) Think up new ways to C/-/@75P3@K!!!111!1111!1

17'5 L337! lol liek writing liek dis is fun 2! don't use capital letters and have lots of speling/gramm'r/usages errors! is coolies! it roxxors liek 4ever ne1 else think so? ne1 else even think at all? lol! liek btw fyi imo lol bbq u need a translator rotfl! u r also really coolies if you use tons of smilies! :) :P :D :3 :9 :O >< ^^ XD o___o x___x! ! !

4) Beg your power company to give you back power

Be sure to offer money and other trivial things such as your house or your car or your soul as long as they give you back Neopets RIGHT NOW!

3) There is no #3.

I would have just left this reason out all together and called this the "The Top Ten Ways to Survive a Power Outage", but that would have been too wild and crazy for even me.

2) Take over the world!

Yes, why waste time doing all that other stuff! Take a hint from Sloth and take over the world with that army of Grundos that’s been collecting dust in your attic ever since you started playing Neo. Hey, this article only helps you maintain sanity, not gain it. Just give good old Auntfalcor a tropical island or two, eh?

1) And the best thing to do when the power goes out is...

WAIT! Are those the lights? Is that the fan!!? Sweet Fyora, THE POWER'S BACK ON!!! Now you can boot up your computer, sign onto the internet, and log in to find...

"Neopets is down for maintenance. Oops! Sorry, just a technical problem we should be back very soon."

...Well, my faithful reader, you're on your own from here. If you need me, I will be reading the ingredients off of my shampoo bottles.

 
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