NEOPIAN MARKETPLACE - Gack! Eww. Neopets are eating other Neopets? Is such a thing
possible? Ummm... yup. Not only are Neopets served up for dinner for other pets
but they even seem to like eating members of their own species. "Gasp! Ergh! I
would never feed my sweet little Poogle a POOGLE!!!" you may be screeching right
now. Well, I'm sure you wouldn't. Not on purpose anyway.
Okay, I confess I personally like eating meat. I'm not a vegetarian by a long
shot. And I sure don't like the idea of my pets eating other pets. Well, except
for my Lupe. It's not exactly a Neopia-shaking event to see him in the bathroom
of our NeoHome flossing bits of Chia out of his teeth. But I would get really
upset if I found him brushing LUPE parts out of his fangs. I don't know about
you, but up until now I never really gave it much thought. I probably would
have kept on merrily feeling Neopets to my Neopets until something happened
that really bothered me. I painted my Krawk.
If this doesn't seem like a big deal, I have to mention what color I painted
him. I painted my Krawk Pirate. And the first thing I noticed when he
hopped out of the Rainbow Pool was that his right claw was missing. It just
vanished. Suddenly he had a hook where his right hand-type-thingy should have
been. He didn't seem too upset about it, so I decided not to make a big deal
out of it. I just stood there nonchalantly pretending it was extremely natural
for Neopets to suddenly lose body parts for no reason.
But I guess I never stopped wondering what happened to his right claw. And
now I think I know. There is a conspiracy going on here. Someone is stealing
body parts off of Neopets and selling them for food. I know you're probably
not going to believe this without some proof, so I guess I'll have to go dig
Okay. I'm back now.
Let's start with the Neopets that are painted with a Pirate Paint Brush. Out
of the eleven Neopets that can be painted Pirate, eight of them are missing
an eye, three of them are missing a foot or a leg and four of them are missing
a hand-claw-arm-type deal. Of course, one is also missing a front tooth, but
I don't think that really counts. So the question is, where did those missing
parts go? They had them before they were painted pirate, right?
Well, if you're wondering where all those eyeballs went, I have a list of
tasty eyeball treats for you: eyeball, jar of eyeballs, pasta and eyes, eye
candy, mashed eye potato, pickled eyeballs, eyeballberry, eyeball fungus, eyeball
pie, eyeball sushi, chocolate coated eye and eyeball slurpy. Somehow it just
doesn't seem like a coincidence that all these pirate-painted pets are missing
eyes and there are also so many eyeball foods available.
And eyeballs aren't the only body parts being served up as food. A couple
of the hand-claw items for sale are the spooky handwich and the sun dried Techo
claw. The sun dried Techo claw actually says on it, "Frustrated at Techo
Says? Wipe the smile off his face with this delicious Techo forearm.". I
don't think I would ever be that frustrated at Techo Says. Well, Nimmos
Pond maybe, but not Techo Says.
I'm not sure where all those legs went when some Neopets were painted Pirate,
but I think I have a clue. The mystery meat sandwich says, "The most frightening
thing about this sandwich is where Edna got the meat from...".
Of course there are body parts for sale that come from pets that aren't even
painted pirate. Some actually come out and say what they are, like wing of Korbat
and Blumaroo tail salad extravaganza. But others just make you guess where they
come from, like intestines and marinara and brain kebab. And selling pet parts
seems to be a good business because both of these things are Gourmet Foods.
And what about the good old heartatoe? Sounds like two yummy body parts for
the price of one, doesn't it?
But I haven't even gotten to the really terrifying part. There aren't just
bits and pieces stolen or chopped off of a pet here and there. There are whole
species of Neopets that are hunted down for main course meals. Check out these
tasty dishes and what their little descriptions say:
Meerca Pie: "Oh no, how horrible... looks like this particular Meerca
bounced too close to the Witch's home!"
Blumaroo Steak:"What goes bounce...bounce...whirr...splat?"
Quiggle Pie: "Oops, this Quiggle isn't his usual happy self..."
Stick-O-Mynci: "Chunks of Mynci on a stick roasted to perfection."
And of course there is the most persecuted pet of all-- the Grundo. Have you
ever seen the picture of Grundo stix? We aren't talking about sweet cinnamon
sticks here. We are talking about antennae. You know, the knobby little
things on the top of a Grundo's head. Check out these Grundo delights:
Grundo Stix: "I don't think the Grundo who became this meal did it
Large Grundo Toe With Lint Side Order: "A large meal to fill your young
ones. Toe lint now available as an extra bonus."
Grundo Stick Sub: "Mmmm, Grundo sticks sub. How many poor alien Grundos
got the chop to make this one?"
I guess we now know what Dr. Sloth does with all those disobedient Grundos.
Of course there are foods that aren't so obviously made out of Neopets or
Neopet body parts. Still, they make you wonder where they came from. Whose wings
are spicy wings made out of? No wonder there aren't too many Lennies flapping
around Neopia. What about the reptillian wing? It says, "This reptile will
not be flying any more!" The last time I looked Draiks, Shoyrus, Scorchios
and Skeiths were all reptillian-type creatures with wings.
What about all those yummy beef dishes? Here is a sample of some those mouth-watering
treats for your pets: beef and veg baby food, beefy broccoli and crown roast
beef. The crown roast beef even says on it, "Cooked just the way Slothy liked
it, with extra mushy peas and quatchu sauce". I don't know about you, but
anything Dr. Sloth has anything to do with is already a suspicious item in my
book. Isn't beef another word for cow? And isn't cow another word for KAU? Okay,
moo-ving right along...
Who in Neopia doesn't pop over to the Giant Omelette in Tyrannia every day
for free food? But what are omelettes made with? If you said "eggs" then I can
see you're still following along with me. Omelettes aren't the only food made
with eggs. Here is a sample from the egg-trordinary food menu:
Eggy Weggs: "Raw eggs, flakes of corn and milk make this a very nutritious
way to start your day."
Red Eggs on Toast: "Our special strawberry flavoured eggs on toast."
Herbal Scrambled Eggs: "A large dose of these herbal scrambled eggs will
soon stop your beloved pet thinking its a chicken."
I may be going out on a limb here, but isn't the only pet that is KNOWN to
come from eggs a Draik? Suddenly the fact that there are so few Draiks in Neopia
is no longer a big mystery. Neopians keep eating them before they even have
a chance to hatch.
Neopets aren't the only ones in danger, either. You can actually feed your
pet a petpet, too. After all, what do you think a bluna burger is made
out of? And the Snorkle is a pig-like petpet that seems very popular in the
cuisine department. The smoked Snorkle cheese has this description, "Only
the freshest Snorkles were used to make this cheese" and Snorkle pudding
reads, "Only the finest young Snorkles go into this meaty dish". Is the
bat kebab made out of Barbats? Are peanut butter spiders made out of Spyders?
This certainly brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "playing with your food".
I'm also beginning to understand why all those petpets say stuff that just
sounds like funny noises too. I mean, where do all those tongue foods come from?
Is the tonguewich really a Warfwich? Is the tongue with veggies made with real
Beekadoodle beaks? I guess I would have trouble saying stuff too if I was missing
the big floppy part of my mouth.
Are you convinced yet? Are Neopets really being fed to other Neopets? If so,
who is behind this diabolical scheme? So far only one character has been named
as specifically being a part of this extremely icky plot-- Edna the Witch. But
it seems to me that the Kitchen Quest Flotsam on Mystery Island must be in on
it too. After all, I know he has asked me more than once to bring him a sun
dried techo claw. And the Kitchen Quest Flotsam works for Mumbo Pango, whoever
he is, so Mumbo Pango is in on it too. The Esophagor asks for some of these
foods as well, if you do one of his quests. So if there is a conspiracy going
on here, not only are a bunch of creatures involved in it, but they have some
sort of Neopet-As-Food-Quests brotherhood going on as well.
So the question now is, what should we do about it? I don't know about you,
but I think I will do what any red-blooded Neopian would do. I'm going to get
myself a snack. Care for anything from the refrigerpteri... err... refrigerator?