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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 24th day of Hunting, Yr 22
The Neopian Times Week 66 > Articles > Turmaculus - The Real Story

Turmaculus - The Real Story

by bluescorchio104

MERIDELL - In this article we tackle the obvious, and not so obvious mysteries surrounding the Turmaculus, a relative newcomer to Neopia. First of all, is he considered to be a cannibal, if he happens to swallow a poor, unsuspecting Turmac? However, since he is the Turmaculus (take note of the aculus part of his name) not a mere Turmac, does that make him a different species, and would therefore not make him a cannibal? Well, the Neopet's Team provides the following information--

Legends speak of a petpet who had a gigantic appetite. As he ate, he grew, and as he grew, he ate... until one day this colossal petpet could not move any more.

The Turmaculus can be found in the land of Meridell, sleeping nearly 24-hours a day. If you can wake him, chances are he may be able to help you with an item, or a healing spell... just don't catch him in a bad mood (we weren't kidding about his appetite!)

The use of 'The Turmaculus' indicates he is the only one of his kind, thus further supporting the 'different-species-therefore-not-a-cannibal' theory. Another thing: the information says that the Turmaculus grew colossal because he ate so much. Does this mean that any ordinary greedy Turmac can eat items from their owner's inventories, and grow as large as the Turmaculus? If so, we could have a Turmaculus epidemic of gigantic proportions (literally). Imagine Turmaculuses (I'm not sure if that's the right plural, by the way) all over Neopia, sleeping nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They would be everywhere, blocking highways (if Neopia had highways) and even blocking entrances to buildings, trapping Neopians inside. Even worse, they wouldn't be able to move (as the information says), so we would require bulldozers and forklifts to move them. Too bad the Neopets Staff haven't introduced bulldozers and forklifts to Neopia yet, huh? What if other Petpets could grow that big? I mean, having a giant Babaa would be pretty harmless, but having a giant Tigermouse would be a nightmare! Ordinarily, Tigermice do minor things, like pulling tails, ears, in general exercising their malicious spirit. But if they were as big as the Turmaculus is now, they would wreak havoc, especially if they were able to move and didn't sleep as much as the Turmaculus. They would be capable of destroying entire neighbourhoods, even Neopia Central! Even worse, they would spread throughout Neopia, vandalising and pushing over Coltzan's Shrine, pulling off the Money Tree's branches, even tipping Mike and Carassa's Igloo upside-down! The same goes for other evil-natured Petpets. Imagine a plague of wild Petpets, rampaging throughout Neopia. Scary, huh? What if Sloth decided to raise an army of giant Petpets? Eeek!

On the other hand, what if it's not just the quantity of food, but also the quality? What if the Turmaculus had to eat lots of a special food to grow so big? That could mean Neopets could grow huge as well! Chiazilla is potential evidence of this. I have a slight of idea of what this 'special food' might be. If you look in the Neopedia, you'll see an entry titled -'The Stuff'. The Stuff is apparently growing everyday, increasing in size till it threatens to envelope the whole of Neopia! The article reads that as our duty as citizens of Neopia that we must eat The Stuff to halt it's growth. Well, what if The Stuff retained it's growing capability when eaten by Petpets? If this is the case, well, all the Turmaculus is a misguided patriotic Turmac, eating The Stuff for the good of Neopia, then unfortunately having The Stuff's growing capabilities transferred to him. The Stuff probably doesn't affect Neopets, since we don't exactly see many giant Neopets rampaging. But if this 'special food' is not The Stuff, then what? Imagine if Hubrid Nox got hold of some of that special food! He would terrorise Neopia! (I hope I'm not giving Hubrid Nox or any other power-crazed Neopian any ideas). Of course, Neopets can grow huge with the help of a handy Supersize Gargantuplex, but that's only temporary, whereas the Turmaculus is permanently huge. That is, of course, unless someone's sneaking doses of Supersize Gargantuplex to the Turmaculus, but then again, Supersize Gargantuplex can only be used on Neopets, right? Maybe a type of Supersize Gargantuplex specially modified for Petpets.... Even if this 'special food' can only be safely eaten by Petpets, we're still back to the 'giant-Petpets-terrorizing-Neopia scenario.

Frustrated by all these ifs, maybes and uh, whatever else is synonymous with maybe, I decided that the only way to find out conclusively what had happened was to go ask the Turmaculus himself. After having a nice lunch of Organic Banana, Cheese Burger, Ultimate Burger, Popcorn, Purple Negg, Flaming Fire Faerie Pizza, Blairnut, Sardplant (ew, yuck), a few ripe bomberries, muffin (the normal type, not the kind that goes BOOM!), Roasted Duck Neck, Turkey Dinner, Tchea Fruit, and good ol' asparagus, we set out for Meridell. Mind you, the food listed was only the entrée. Anyway, back to the point. We set off for Meridell, and courtesy of Bluefire104 (my Scorchio) we were able to fly almost all of the way there. (We couldn't fly all of the way, in case you're wondering, because some hooligans playing Faerie Cloud Racers were blocking part of our route, so we found that it was easier to just walk than to go around.) We landed directly next to the Turmaculus, only to be yelled at by the Neopians in the long queue, who were waiting patiently for their turn to wake up the Turmaculus. At that moment, however, the Turmaculus rolled over and opened his jaws wide, revealing huge teeth, and a little dangly thing hanging at the back of his throat. All the Neopians in line promptly fled, fearing for the lives of their Petpets. That only left me, and my faithful Scorchio. (Well, that's not quite true, some Neopians fearlessly still remained in line, but with the help of a few zaps from Bluefire104's Grand Lightning Beam, he, uh, "persuaded" them to run away.) So, I duly asked the Turmaculus "Um, sir, could I have an interview?" He then sluggishly rolled over onto his stomach, which I took to mean 'yes'.

Bluescorchio104: So, Mr. Turmaculus, how did you get so big?

Turmaculus: (snore) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Bluescorchio104: Uh huh. Um, I don't really speak sleeping-giant-Petpet-sign & snore-language, so what does that mean?

Turmaculus: (yawn)

Bluescorchio104: Um, I realise I may not be being quite polite, interrupting our afternoon nap and all, but could you please answer the question?

Turmaculus: (rolls over, nearly squashing Bluescorchio104)

Bluescorchio104: Hey watch it! Wake up, ya big doofus!

Turmaculus: Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Bluescorchio104: (pokes Turmaculus in the stomach) Wake up already!

Turmaculus: Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Bluescorchio104: Hey. Bluefire104, poke him not-so-gently with your Attack Fork. (Bluefire104 pokes the Turmaculus hard with his Attack Fork, but trident points only sink into flesh, with no effect. Bluefire104 then spends a few minutes trying to pry it out and finally manages it.)

Bluescorchio104: That's it, Mr. Turmaculus, if you don't wake up, we're going to throw everything we've got at you! (Bluescorchio104 shakes his head, and mutters something that sounds like ' agent said never work with giant, cannibalistic Petpet, but do I listen? Noooo, I just had to go ahead with it, didn't I?......')

Turmaculus: Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Bluescorchio104: Okay, Bluefire104, fire! (Bluefire104 fires a Rainbow Frost Cannon at the Turmaculus at point blank range, leaving a huge scorch mark. The Turmaculus, however, continues sleeping.)

Bluescorchio104: Uh, oh. I think the Neopian Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Petpets (NSPCP for short) might notice that giant, conspicuous scorch mark. Maybe we better leave.

Bluefire104: (spots mob of angry Neopians who were forcefully removed from queue) Uh oh. I think you may be right. Run!!!!!!!

And that little interview ended with Bluefire104 and I running for our lives. (At least until Bluefire104 remembered he had wings, and then we flew away.)

Unfortunately, my dear friends, it seems we are doomed, unless we do something about the problem. Well then, what should we do? I suggest the following-

1. A full investigation into the Turmaculus' background. Maybe if we find his former/present owner, he'll be able to tell us exactly what happened, and whether he did eat some 'special food'. If so, what is this 'special food', if it's not The Stuff?

2. Introduce bulldozers, cranes and forklifts into Neopia.

3. Train a special squad of carefully chosen Neopets to handle any potential giant Petpet or giant rampaging evil Neopet threats.

4. Quack really loudly.

5. Stock up on some Downsize Power Plus, to (literally) minimise any potential dangers.

6. Keep all of The Stuff away from Petpets. Introduce a squad of Stuff Inspectors to make sure all Neopets are keeping The Stuff away from their Petpets, just to be on the safe side.

7. Ban the Stuff! However, since it's steadily growing everyday, this might not be such a great idea, namely because it's probably impossible.

And that, innocent citizens of Neopia, is an outline of the Turmaculus dilemma. So, get out there right now, keep The Stuff away from your Petpets, and invent the forklift!

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