Turmaculus - The Real Story
MERIDELL - In this article we tackle the obvious, and not so obvious mysteries
surrounding the Turmaculus, a relative newcomer to Neopia. First of all, is
he considered to be a cannibal, if he happens to swallow a poor, unsuspecting
Turmac? However, since he is the Turmaculus
(take note of the aculus part of his name) not a mere Turmac, does that
make him a different species, and would therefore not make him a cannibal? Well,
the Neopet's Team provides the following information--
Legends speak of a petpet who had a gigantic appetite. As he ate, he grew,
and as he grew, he ate... until one day this colossal petpet could not move
The Turmaculus can be found in the land of Meridell, sleeping nearly 24-hours
a day. If you can wake him, chances are he may be able to help you with an item,
or a healing spell... just don't catch him in a bad mood (we weren't kidding
about his appetite!)
The use of 'The Turmaculus' indicates he is the only one of his kind, thus
further supporting the 'different-species-therefore-not-a-cannibal' theory.
Another thing: the information says that the Turmaculus grew colossal because
he ate so much. Does this mean that any ordinary greedy Turmac can eat items
from their owner's inventories, and grow as large as the Turmaculus? If so,
we could have a Turmaculus epidemic of gigantic proportions (literally). Imagine
Turmaculuses (I'm not sure if that's the right plural, by the way) all over
Neopia, sleeping nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They would
be everywhere, blocking highways (if Neopia had highways) and even blocking
entrances to buildings, trapping Neopians inside. Even worse, they wouldn't
be able to move (as the information says), so we would require bulldozers and
forklifts to move them. Too bad the Neopets Staff haven't introduced bulldozers
and forklifts to Neopia yet, huh? What if other Petpets could grow that big?
I mean, having a giant Babaa would be pretty harmless, but having a giant Tigermouse
would be a nightmare! Ordinarily, Tigermice do minor things, like pulling tails,
ears, in general exercising their malicious spirit. But if they were as big
as the Turmaculus is now, they would wreak havoc, especially if they were able
to move and didn't sleep as much as the Turmaculus. They would be capable of
destroying entire neighbourhoods, even Neopia Central! Even worse, they would
spread throughout Neopia, vandalising and pushing over Coltzan's Shrine, pulling
off the Money Tree's branches, even tipping Mike and Carassa's Igloo upside-down!
The same goes for other evil-natured Petpets. Imagine a plague of wild Petpets,
rampaging throughout Neopia. Scary, huh? What if Sloth decided to raise an army
of giant Petpets? Eeek!
On the other hand, what if it's not just the quantity of food, but also the
quality? What if the Turmaculus had to eat lots of a special food to grow so
big? That could mean Neopets could grow huge as well! Chiazilla is potential
evidence of this. I have a slight of idea of what this 'special food' might
be. If you look in the Neopedia, you'll see an entry titled -'The Stuff'. The
Stuff is apparently growing everyday, increasing in size till it threatens to
envelope the whole of Neopia! The article reads that as our duty as citizens
of Neopia that we must eat The Stuff to halt it's growth. Well, what if The
Stuff retained it's growing capability when eaten by Petpets? If this is the
case, well, all the Turmaculus is a misguided patriotic Turmac, eating The Stuff
for the good of Neopia, then unfortunately having The Stuff's growing capabilities
transferred to him. The Stuff probably doesn't affect Neopets, since we don't
exactly see many giant Neopets rampaging. But if this 'special food' is not
The Stuff, then what? Imagine if Hubrid Nox got hold of some of that special
food! He would terrorise Neopia! (I hope I'm not giving Hubrid Nox or any other
power-crazed Neopian any ideas). Of course, Neopets can grow huge with the help
of a handy Supersize Gargantuplex, but that's only temporary, whereas the Turmaculus
is permanently huge. That is, of course, unless someone's sneaking doses of
Supersize Gargantuplex to the Turmaculus, but then again, Supersize Gargantuplex
can only be used on Neopets, right? Maybe a type of Supersize Gargantuplex specially
modified for Petpets.... Even if this 'special food' can only be safely eaten
by Petpets, we're still back to the 'giant-Petpets-terrorizing-Neopia scenario.
Frustrated by all these ifs, maybes and uh, whatever else is synonymous with
maybe, I decided that the only way to find out conclusively what had happened
was to go ask the Turmaculus himself. After having a nice lunch of Organic Banana,
Cheese Burger, Ultimate Burger, Popcorn, Purple Negg, Flaming Fire Faerie Pizza,
Blairnut, Sardplant (ew, yuck), a few ripe bomberries, muffin (the normal type,
not the kind that goes BOOM!), Roasted Duck Neck, Turkey Dinner, Tchea Fruit,
and good ol' asparagus, we set out for Meridell. Mind you, the food listed was
only the entrée. Anyway, back to the point. We set off for Meridell, and courtesy
of Bluefire104 (my Scorchio) we were able to fly almost all of the way there.
(We couldn't fly all of the way, in case you're wondering, because some hooligans
playing Faerie Cloud Racers were blocking part of our route, so we found that
it was easier to just walk than to go around.) We landed directly next to the
Turmaculus, only to be yelled at by the Neopians in the long queue, who were
waiting patiently for their turn to wake up the Turmaculus. At that moment,
however, the Turmaculus rolled over and opened his jaws wide, revealing huge
teeth, and a little dangly thing hanging at the back of his throat. All the
Neopians in line promptly fled, fearing for the lives of their Petpets. That
only left me, and my faithful Scorchio. (Well, that's not quite true, some Neopians
fearlessly still remained in line, but with the help of a few zaps from Bluefire104's
Grand Lightning Beam, he, uh, "persuaded" them to run away.) So, I duly asked
the Turmaculus "Um, sir, could I have an interview?" He then sluggishly rolled
over onto his stomach, which I took to mean 'yes'.
Bluescorchio104: So, Mr. Turmaculus, how did you get so big?
Turmaculus: (snore) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Bluescorchio104: Uh huh. Um, I don't really speak sleeping-giant-Petpet-sign
& snore-language, so what does that mean?
Bluescorchio104: Um, I realise I may not be being quite polite, interrupting
our afternoon nap and all, but could you please answer the question?
Turmaculus: (rolls over, nearly squashing Bluescorchio104)
Bluescorchio104: Hey watch it! Wake up, ya big doofus!
Bluescorchio104: (pokes Turmaculus in the stomach) Wake up already!
Bluescorchio104: Hey. Bluefire104, poke him not-so-gently with your
Attack Fork. (Bluefire104 pokes the Turmaculus hard with his Attack Fork, but
trident points only sink into flesh, with no effect. Bluefire104 then spends
a few minutes trying to pry it out and finally manages it.)
Bluescorchio104: That's it, Mr. Turmaculus, if you don't wake up, we're
going to throw everything we've got at you! (Bluescorchio104 shakes his head,
and mutters something that sounds like '...my agent said never work with giant,
cannibalistic Petpet, but do I listen? Noooo, I just had to go ahead with it,
Bluescorchio104: Okay, Bluefire104, fire! (Bluefire104 fires a Rainbow
Frost Cannon at the Turmaculus at point blank range, leaving a huge scorch mark.
The Turmaculus, however, continues sleeping.)
Bluescorchio104: Uh, oh. I think the Neopian Society of Prevention
of Cruelty to Petpets (NSPCP for short) might notice that giant, conspicuous
scorch mark. Maybe we better leave.
Bluefire104: (spots mob of angry Neopians who were forcefully removed
from queue) Uh oh. I think you may be right. Run!!!!!!!
And that little interview ended with Bluefire104 and I running for our lives.
(At least until Bluefire104 remembered he had wings, and then we flew away.)
Unfortunately, my dear friends, it seems we are doomed, unless we do something
about the problem. Well then, what should we do? I suggest the following-
1. A full investigation into the Turmaculus' background. Maybe if we
find his former/present owner, he'll be able to tell us exactly what happened,
and whether he did eat some 'special food'. If so, what is this 'special food',
if it's not The Stuff?
2. Introduce bulldozers, cranes and forklifts into Neopia.
3. Train a special squad of carefully chosen Neopets to handle any
potential giant Petpet or giant rampaging evil Neopet threats.
4. Quack really loudly.
5. Stock up on some Downsize Power Plus, to (literally) minimise any
6. Keep all of The Stuff away from Petpets. Introduce a squad of Stuff
Inspectors to make sure all Neopets are keeping The Stuff away from their Petpets,
just to be on the safe side.
7. Ban the Stuff! However, since it's steadily growing everyday, this
might not be such a great idea, namely because it's probably impossible.
And that, innocent citizens of Neopia, is an outline of the Turmaculus dilemma.
So, get out there right now, keep The Stuff away from your Petpets, and invent