Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Four
YOUR LEGACY: The Evil Overlord's Most Lasting Mark
Every Evil Overlord and Overlady knows in the bottom
of their dark little hearts that they are immortal, or that they deserve to
be. I've seen so many quests for immortality that I almost included them in
the "traps" section earlier- they never work right, and drinking from the wrong
Chalice can really ruin your day. Besides, my scientists tell me that in several
trillion years, all of the stars in the universe will burn out. Immortality
would get to be a real drag after that. And before you accuse me of being a
traitor to all Evil Overlordom, let me point out that there is a difference
between immortality and living for a really, really, really long time.
But if you can't have personal immortality,
the next best thing is to achieve immortality- or something close to it- by
establishing a lasting legacy. You may not be around to enjoy it at the time,
but we Evil Overlords are terrific at gloating over the thought of things to
come, so that shouldn't be much of a drawback. That said, just how do you do
it? And what does a "legacy" consist of anyway? Answer that second question
and the answers to the first come next. Here are a few simple ideas for you
to work on. Remember, though, that you have all of your incredibly long lifespan
to elaborate and scheme on this, so make sure you do it right!
The first technique involves all of those bright
young students that you saw visiting your dungeons earlier. Remember them? The
potential successors? Ah, but now you begin grooming some of them to create
your legacy. The main problem here is that you never know when the plan will
be perfected, so you have to keep a steady flow of them coming through your
system. At least it gives you experience so you can make succeeding models better
than the earlier ones that you were forced to dispose of. The idea behind all
of this is to have a group of smaller Evil Overlords who will carry on your
work afterwards, and who will revere and trumpet your name to the masses as
they seek to succeed you. I heard of one Evil Overlord who had no less than
six of these followers set up in various parts of his empire. The resulting
wars wound up lasting for a couple of thousand years as they fought over the
remains of his conquests. I would highly caution you not to get your hopes up
as you contemplate that inspiring account. Even two successors at war would
be enough for a lot of Evil Overlords.
Assuming you don't have, or don't want, potential
successors to personally carry on your name, the next step is to carry it on
directly in the psyches of your subjects. Your worst flaw here is that subjects
are notorious for not being able to remember their names (which is odd, since
you will likely have been the one to give it to them) much less who it was that
ruled over them for all of their born days and haunted them all of their unborn
nights. So you have to fix it so that they can't ever forget you. Deliberately
ruining the planet so that there are only small groups of survivors who have
to chant your name to the magic shrines for their daily food is probably a good
idea. There are several variations that can be done, but they all consist of
creating situations so that your subjects and their descendants are all forced
to think of you and your achievements in order to live their own lives.
Physical monuments are great as well, though
I recommend combining them with the techniques above so that your legacy doesn't
wind up being used for an (ick!) child's theme park or some other silly contrivance.
One good way to do that is to create your monument in the shape of your name.
A quick pass over the sands of your deserts with the engines of your starship
blasting down on them can fuse your initials in molten glass in letters large
enough to be read from orbit. I remember one Evil Overlord who developed the
science of moving stars. He set out to create a constellation in the shape of
his name. This is truly doing things on a grand scale, and he would have deserved
the applause from Evil Overlords everywhere if he hadn't made the stupid mistake
of putting the wrong kind of sidekick in charge of the operation. The lackey
managed to flub the very first moving operation, and the resulting nova destroyed
the Evil Overlord's favorite starship. Other valued possessions were lost as
well, which is not surprising when you realize that he was aboard at the time.
I managed to obtain a copy of his journals, and found that his reason for selecting
a lackey was that he feared an apprentice might figure out the technique and
use it for themselves once he was gone. I had to shake my head at the sheer
stupidity of that whole line of thought. Anyone who doesn't know how to properly
dispose of apprentices after they've done their job doesn't deserve the title
of Evil Over-ANYthing.
Probably the most imaginative initial-carving
scheme that I know of involved an Evil Overlord who had conquered a pre-industrial
race. With advanced technology, he altered their gene pattern so that every
member of the race would be born with a birthmark in the shape of his name.
This worked beautifully for several thousand years, until genetic drift took
its toll. The resulting blurring managed to convert some of the name birthmarks
into a mild obscenity. I pondered this technique myself for a while, but with
a name like "Sloth" I am not going to take a chance on what genetic mutations
might turn it into.
Now that we've covered the easy inital-carving
plans... what? Why do I say they're easy? Because any Evil Overlord will have
practiced carving their initials into just about anything from babyhood up.
It's regrettable that many potentially great Evil Overlords never develop past
the initials-carving stage, but it's a fact that we have to live with. But that
If you have advanced technology available to
you, one of the easiest ways to create a legacy is to create a new and horribly
loathsome disease. Release it among your subjects and make sure it is named
after you, or after something you like. If you don't have advanced technology
available, this isn't going to work for you unless you get incredibly lucky.
That doesn't happen too often. After all, we can't all be Montezuma (whose works
I highly recommend. It's a shame that most of his facilities were lost or appropriated
Since all Evil Overlords and Overladies have
flawless features, clones are not only a good way to create a legacy, they preserve
your natural beauty for future generations to admire. I personally use clones
more as a quick way to create huge and faultlessly loyal armies, but as a legacy
making tool they can be nearly perfect. Indeed, the idea recently received rave
reviews in the latest quarterly issue of Evil Squirmies. It's becoming
a fad, it seems! Get that issue (any halfway-successful Evil Overlord knows
it is a must-subscribe publication) and read it over. I only have one thing
to add to their ideas. If you really want your cloning legacy to last, create
both male and female clones and start your own race.
Since I brought up Evil Squirmies, I
feel compelled to also add my thoughts to the most recent controversy in their
legacy-building section. Evil Overlords everywhere are giving their opinions
on the question of immortalizing yourself through commercialism. The plus side
is that it can be profitable when done right- not only do you get your name
and face on innumerable items potentially scattered across the galaxy, you can
get paid to do so. It's hard to beat an attraction like that, but I've noticed
that some Evil Overlords are expressing doubts about the moral question of committing
such an act. The reason, as I understand, is that they're afraid they will cause
their subjects to lose fear and perhaps even respect of them if their image
becomes too common. To them I say: hey, if it's good enough for Santa Claus,
it should be good enough for any Evil Overlord. Although I do draw the line
at branded underwear (I am not going to compete with 'My Little Uni'), I do
plan on coming out with a great new line of deodorant. No, it won't be the roller
ball type- those things are a torture device that even I shudder at.
Recently I have observed Evil Overlords who
seek to establish a legacy by creating clones made not in flesh and blood, but
in silicon. No, I don't mean the regular robots, I mean computer virtual personalities.
My summary of this method is simple: don't do it! If you think genetic drift
was bad at messing up your legacy, you've not seen what a malicious Evil Overlord
hacker can do to your carefully constructed simulacrum.
And while we're talking about legacies that
fail, do not, whatever you do, create all of your castles, evil fogs, and other
evil constructs so that they all fade into nonexistence when you go as well.
Make those suckers to last and last and last, and maybe someday they will even
return you to fame long after you've left the stage of history. You can't ask
for a better legacy than that!
CONCLUSION: Wrapping it all up
Congratulations! You have just read through
the whole process that you need to be an Evil Overlord. From your initial selection
of name, clothing, sidekicks and locale, to general tips on methods of operation,
and on to an everlasting legacy, I truly hope this work will inspire and motivate
you little Evil Overlords and Overladies out there (you know who you are!).
I wish you every success as long as it's overshadowed by mine, and do enjoy
yourself. After all, if you can't have fun with your life, I can guarantee there's
another Evil Overlord who will have fun with your life for themselves. I only
have one word of caution. Make sure you are fully committed to doing this before
you start. An Evil Overlord who starts out on his or her career and then decides
to quit in midstream finds out that although it has wonderful perks, there is
one little problem: the retirement plan stinks.
Transcriptionist's note: I hope this latest revelation of Dr. Frank Sloth's
work will achieve its purpose, though I admit I am still baffled as to what it
might be. MonoKeras seems to think the timing of its publication is crucial, although
I'm not sure why. One thing I am sure of: I will not miss that dull mental drone
in my mind as that voice uttered a casual account of atrocities that made insanity
seem sane, and sanity seem like a vanished dream. I am thankful that this work
has finally been concluded, and my deepest wish is that you, dear reader, will
appreciate and profit from my sacrifice.