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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 7th day of Running, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 54 > Continuing Series > Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Three

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Three

by scriptfox

PETS: The Evil Overlord's Most Loyal Sidekicks
     "Pets? Why pets?" you ask. After all, you're an Evil Overlord. You haven't got time to bother with some tame (or preferably, wild) animal. As a result of this attitude, a pet is an oft-neglected accessory. Your typical Evil Overlord will choose a human (or semi-human, or might-be-human or I-really-hope-it-isn't-human) sidekick and then forget that a simple animal can do so much. Yes, even more than being served up for your dinner, or even for your favourite dungeon inhabitant's dinner.

     Technique one is the "disarm your opponent" angle. Now, unless you've gone in for something with big claws, I recommend skipping the literal side of that phrase and going straight to the figurative side. Get something cute, cuddly, and just so itsy-witsy-sickening that even YOU get a queasy stomach looking at it. Whipping it out at just the right time is a perfect distraction for would-be heroes--or even better, for would-be heroines. While they're busy oohing and aahing over Fluffy, you can be busy taking care of business... namely, them.

     Technique two is the "serve as an example" routine. This is where you use your pet as an object lesson... saying such things as "do you know what happens to people who cross me? They wind up like this..." However, I recommend that particular line ONLY for beginners. Using actual "people" (or the local equivalent) is SO much more effective and enjoyable.

     Technique three: "dinner is served!". this is for the discriminating Evil Overlord who decides to forget the cutesy pie and get down to serious business. Pets in this category will serve you faithfully as long as you keep them fed. A steady diet is good, although a squirming, protesting one is usually what they prefer if you've made a good selection in the type of pet you have.

     Technique four: "fly on the wall." For those of you with advanced technology, or magic as it is more commonly known, your pet can be the perfectly innocuous thing to let you track and listen in on others. Disguising yourself as your pet is a variation on this technique, but I really wouldn't recommend taking that one literally, either. The inside of a raw hide gets a bit stuffy, and the stuff inside doesn't necessarily help your complexion, either, depending on the type of look that you go in for. If "rotting from the grave" is in vogue for you, then go ahead and try it--just don't say I didn't warn you.

     Technique five: "white elephant." This is actually more of an amusing sideline than anything else. Get a pet that is hard to care for--a bad temper, special physical needs (such as lemon juice baths three times a day), bad smell (Chanel #5 is one I highly recommend) or some other awkward set of characteristics. Got one? Good! Now, give it as a gift to one of your lackeys, and watch the fun begin.

     There are other little mind and body games you can play with a pet, but these should get you started. If you're having trouble trying to figure out what to do with a pet, I really pity your lack of imagination. After all, I'm going to have tens of millions of them in the near future now, and I have a plan worked out in loving detail for each one. Remember, in all of your pet dealings, it's the thought that counts!

COMMON TRAPS: Mistakes That You Can't Afford To Make
    
Every Evil Overlord or Overlady shares the same basic personality. We are all ready to torture at a moment's notice, tend to fly into apoplectic rages, obsess over details, spend endless amounts of time scheming and gloating, and in general are really great beings. But there are a few flaws that appeal to our near-perfect natures, and I've noticed this happening way too often lately not to mention a couple.

     Ancient Objects of Power - These are really tricky and tend to get you into as much or more trouble as they get you out of. Power is great, as long as it belongs to you, but when it belongs to some weird thing, you'd better know more than it does. The slightest amount of ignorance can wind up ruining you. I remember one Evil Overlord who stole a Snake Goddess Idol and used it to bring a whole continent under his control. Then the spell flow reversed on him with no warning and the last I heard they had him in a zoo, where all he does is lay around all day and wait for them to feed him rats while people go ooh and aah over the pretty scales. Remember, there are no such things as warning labels on these Objects of Power, so using them is definitely at your own risk, assuming you don't get an apprentice to handle the dirty deeds for you.

     Disposing of Prisoners without Questioning - Sure, a quick and easy disposal, or even better a quick and messy one, can make your day. But not finding out where the secret Comb Of Doom is hidden first can do horrible things to your invasion plans, not to mention your hairstyle. Make sure you drain all prisoners dry of intelligence first (even drier than they are already) before you start to drain anything else that might prove vital.

     Indulging Whims - I still can't get over how many perfectly nasty Evil Overlords just have to let their natural generosity overcome them once too often. For the last time, people, do NOT honour any requests for a last smoke, a last kiss, or a last anything except their last breath.

     Spreading Too Thin - Make sure you have one world firmly under your capable thumb before going to the next one. There's few things more annoying than to find out that a perfectly conquered planet (or area) has decided to try and conduct a rebellion. It just throws all your invasion timetables out of whack, and we all know what comes of that.... no, I don't mean having a few more forests cut down to get the materials for more plans, but the bad side effects like risking the limited intelligence of your underlings by trying to divide their tasks between old and new invasions.

     Forgetting Humour - Too many Evil Overlords simply can not fathom the insanity known to some heroes as "a sense of humour". Sure, a bit of pleasant joking about which body part matches which is all well and good, but some of these "good guys" are truly insane. I hate to say this, but you're going to have to risk your sanity at least enough to anticipate the next crazy stunt these clowns will pull. They might manage to open your dungeons and free all your slaves, but even that pales in comparison to what a pie in the face does to your reputation. I finally got sick enough of this sort of lunacy that I turned it into silicon and metal, and let the resulting robots loose on an unsuspecting Carnival. I don't think they appreciated my efforts, but it was the most apropos punishment I could come up with for this particular abomination.

GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL: Even Evil Overlords need a break

     So you're the ruler of most of the known world? Great! Now that you've schemed, plotted, committed mayhem, and various other atrocities in getting there, you're likely to find out one irritating little detail.... you never get a break! What to do, you wonder... now, being of superior intelligence and of great cunning, it doesn't take you long to delegate most of the routine junk to subordinates, who vary from lackey to lack-even-more, but who nevertheless can handle it until you can get around to disposing of them. After getting the routine stuff taken care of, the next trick is to become a recluse. Learn to rule with an iron fist that no one ever sees until it is too late. With a bit of practice, you can keep your troops on a perfect edge, waiting and knowing you're there whether you really are or not. Once they get that keen edge, keep them there for a while and you'll soon be ready to take a bit of much-earned personal time with no distractions.

     Now that you've gotten the preliminaries taken care of, here are the top five vacation spots for Evil Overlords:

5. The Marquis De Sade museum - Although it might seem a bit depressing at first to wind up "talking shop" on your vacation, this really isn't to be missed. You can sometimes find some nice tricks for your own operation, but more often you'll get to relive fond memories of past triumphs as you wend your way through the various equipment that is rumoured to have been used by the original Marquis. I remember being nearly overcome with tender melancholy as I smelled and flexed a beautifully inlaid cat-o'-nine-tails and recalled my own romantic past. And there's nothing to bring a tear to your eye quicker or better than the iron maiden.

4. The Slime Pits of Varicon III - Originally formed by the local beasts to capture large prey (along the size of three meters tall and several tons of weight), these slime pits have since undergone a renaissance of artistic proportions. I especially recommend checking out the jeweled falls section, with the slime trails encrusted to resemble a river of frozen gems. A more mundane variation is nearby in the painted pits, where slime of different colours has been mixed and carefully laid to form murals of surprising beauty and even better scent. "Scent?" I hear you whine. Yes, scent! These people make lots of scents, so stop by and check them out.

3. The Chess Boards of Ryndali - Chess, perhaps the most simple yet advanced game of all and admired by intellectuals everywhere. These boards, though, are life-sized... and are made for only the most refined tastes. The price is rather steep to play a game, but as you direct your players to the right places on the board, you can't help but feel the thrill of the power in your hands. When one living "piece" captures another, they do it up quite in style--very messy, perhaps, but it is still entertaining to watch. Some Evil Overlords are so overcome by their desire for great captures that they actually let their game suffer. A shame, too, since the player who loses may not be able to participate in another game--or anything else... afterwards.

2. The Accretion Disk of Crab 61 - It sounds unassuming, but this is not a place to be missed by the true power junkie. A huge gas nebula is being sucked down a black hole here, and the resulting disk of matter around it is releasing more energy than can be tracked, and almost more than can be calculated. Lightning along the spokes is the least of its visual effects, and the nearby station has a mouth-watering explanation of just how much power there is here. I have sat and dreamed for hours while staring at that slow pinwheel, trying to figure out how to harness such vast quantities that it would power the whole galaxy for generations in a matter of seconds.

1. Virtopia - Although construction has not been completed as of this writing, Virtopia will be the Evil Overlord's amusement park extraordinaire. The chess games would be lost in one corner of this huge world-wide interactive thrill-a-rama. Spookiness, horror, more gore than you know what to do with, and all flawlessly choreographed by the best of them all--me. Note: at present, the current inhabitants call it Neopia, a totally silly name that I plan on demolishing along with everything else once I get my transmogrification ray perfected.

     Okay, enough with the frivolities. Now to get back from that carefree existence you managed to sneak in and concentrate on the really important stuff--and I mean really important, the most important thing that you'll ever consider in your whole life: your legacy!

To be continued...

Previous Episodes

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part One

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Two

Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Four

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