Evil Overlording For Dummies, Continued & Concluded: Part Three
PETS: The Evil Overlord's Most Loyal Sidekicks
"Pets? Why pets?" you ask. After all, you're an Evil
Overlord. You haven't got time to bother with some tame (or preferably, wild)
animal. As a result of this attitude, a pet is an oft-neglected accessory. Your
typical Evil Overlord will choose a human (or semi-human, or might-be-human
or I-really-hope-it-isn't-human) sidekick and then forget that a simple animal
can do so much. Yes, even more than being served up for your dinner, or even
for your favourite dungeon inhabitant's dinner.
Technique one is the "disarm your opponent" angle.
Now, unless you've gone in for something with big claws, I recommend skipping
the literal side of that phrase and going straight to the figurative side. Get
something cute, cuddly, and just so itsy-witsy-sickening that even YOU get a
queasy stomach looking at it. Whipping it out at just the right time is a perfect
distraction for would-be heroes--or even better, for would-be heroines. While
they're busy oohing and aahing over Fluffy, you can be busy taking
care of business... namely, them.
Technique two is the "serve as an example" routine.
This is where you use your pet as an object lesson... saying such things as
"do you know what happens to people who cross me? They wind up like this..."
However, I recommend that particular line ONLY for beginners. Using actual "people"
(or the local equivalent) is SO much more effective and enjoyable.
Technique three: "dinner is served!". this is for
the discriminating Evil Overlord who decides to forget the cutesy pie and get
down to serious business. Pets in this category will serve you faithfully as
long as you keep them fed. A steady diet is good, although a squirming, protesting
one is usually what they prefer if you've made a good selection in the type
of pet you have.
Technique four: "fly on the wall." For those of you
with advanced technology, or magic as it is more commonly known, your pet can
be the perfectly innocuous thing to let you track and listen in on others. Disguising
yourself as your pet is a variation on this technique, but I really wouldn't
recommend taking that one literally, either. The inside of a raw hide gets a
bit stuffy, and the stuff inside doesn't necessarily help your complexion, either,
depending on the type of look that you go in for. If "rotting from the grave"
is in vogue for you, then go ahead and try it--just don't say I didn't warn
Technique five: "white elephant." This is actually
more of an amusing sideline than anything else. Get a pet that is hard to care
for--a bad temper, special physical needs (such as lemon juice baths three times
a day), bad smell (Chanel #5 is one I highly recommend) or some other awkward
set of characteristics. Got one? Good! Now, give it as a gift to one of your
lackeys, and watch the fun begin.
There are other little mind and body games you can
play with a pet, but these should get you started. If you're having trouble
trying to figure out what to do with a pet, I really pity your lack of imagination.
After all, I'm going to have tens of millions of them in the near future now,
and I have a plan worked out in loving detail for each one. Remember, in all
of your pet dealings, it's the thought that counts!
COMMON TRAPS: Mistakes That You Can't Afford To Make
Every Evil Overlord or Overlady shares the same
basic personality. We are all ready to torture at a moment's notice, tend to
fly into apoplectic rages, obsess over details, spend endless amounts of time
scheming and gloating, and in general are really great beings. But there are
a few flaws that appeal to our near-perfect natures, and I've noticed this happening
way too often lately not to mention a couple.
Ancient Objects of Power - These are really
tricky and tend to get you into as much or more trouble as they get you out
of. Power is great, as long as it belongs to you, but when it belongs to some
weird thing, you'd better know more than it does. The slightest amount of ignorance
can wind up ruining you. I remember one Evil Overlord who stole a Snake Goddess
Idol and used it to bring a whole continent under his control. Then the spell
flow reversed on him with no warning and the last I heard they had him in a
zoo, where all he does is lay around all day and wait for them to feed him rats
while people go ooh and aah over the pretty scales. Remember, there are no such
things as warning labels on these Objects of Power, so using them is definitely
at your own risk, assuming you don't get an apprentice to handle the dirty deeds
Disposing of Prisoners without Questioning
- Sure, a quick and easy disposal, or even better a quick and messy one, can
make your day. But not finding out where the secret Comb Of Doom is hidden first
can do horrible things to your invasion plans, not to mention your hairstyle.
Make sure you drain all prisoners dry of intelligence first (even drier than
they are already) before you start to drain anything else that might prove vital.
Indulging Whims - I still can't get over how
many perfectly nasty Evil Overlords just have to let their natural generosity
overcome them once too often. For the last time, people, do NOT honour any requests
for a last smoke, a last kiss, or a last anything except their last breath.
Spreading Too Thin - Make sure you have one
world firmly under your capable thumb before going to the next one. There's
few things more annoying than to find out that a perfectly conquered planet
(or area) has decided to try and conduct a rebellion. It just throws all your
invasion timetables out of whack, and we all know what comes of that.... no,
I don't mean having a few more forests cut down to get the materials for more
plans, but the bad side effects like risking the limited intelligence of your
underlings by trying to divide their tasks between old and new invasions.
Forgetting Humour - Too many Evil Overlords
simply can not fathom the insanity known to some heroes as "a sense of humour".
Sure, a bit of pleasant joking about which body part matches which is all well
and good, but some of these "good guys" are truly insane. I hate to say this,
but you're going to have to risk your sanity at least enough to anticipate the
next crazy stunt these clowns will pull. They might manage to open your dungeons
and free all your slaves, but even that pales in comparison to what a pie in
the face does to your reputation. I finally got sick enough of this sort of
lunacy that I turned it into silicon and metal, and let the resulting robots
loose on an unsuspecting Carnival. I don't think they appreciated my efforts,
but it was the most apropos punishment I could come up with for this particular
GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL: Even Evil Overlords need a break
So you're the ruler of most of the known world? Great!
Now that you've schemed, plotted, committed mayhem, and various other atrocities
in getting there, you're likely to find out one irritating little detail....
you never get a break! What to do, you wonder... now, being of superior intelligence
and of great cunning, it doesn't take you long to delegate most of the routine
junk to subordinates, who vary from lackey to lack-even-more, but who nevertheless
can handle it until you can get around to disposing of them. After getting the
routine stuff taken care of, the next trick is to become a recluse. Learn to
rule with an iron fist that no one ever sees until it is too late. With a bit
of practice, you can keep your troops on a perfect edge, waiting and knowing
you're there whether you really are or not. Once they get that keen edge, keep
them there for a while and you'll soon be ready to take a bit of much-earned
personal time with no distractions.
Now that you've gotten the preliminaries taken care
of, here are the top five vacation spots for Evil Overlords:
5. The Marquis De Sade museum - Although it might seem a bit depressing
at first to wind up "talking shop" on your vacation, this really isn't to be
missed. You can sometimes find some nice tricks for your own operation, but
more often you'll get to relive fond memories of past triumphs as you wend your
way through the various equipment that is rumoured to have been used by the
original Marquis. I remember being nearly overcome with tender melancholy as
I smelled and flexed a beautifully inlaid cat-o'-nine-tails and recalled my
own romantic past. And there's nothing to bring a tear to your eye quicker or
better than the iron maiden.
4. The Slime Pits of Varicon III - Originally formed by the local beasts
to capture large prey (along the size of three meters tall and several tons
of weight), these slime pits have since undergone a renaissance of artistic
proportions. I especially recommend checking out the jeweled falls section,
with the slime trails encrusted to resemble a river of frozen gems. A more mundane
variation is nearby in the painted pits, where slime of different colours has
been mixed and carefully laid to form murals of surprising beauty and even better
scent. "Scent?" I hear you whine. Yes, scent! These people make lots of scents,
so stop by and check them out.
3. The Chess Boards of Ryndali - Chess, perhaps the most simple yet
advanced game of all and admired by intellectuals everywhere. These boards,
though, are life-sized... and are made for only the most refined tastes. The
price is rather steep to play a game, but as you direct your players to the
right places on the board, you can't help but feel the thrill of the power in
your hands. When one living "piece" captures another, they do it up quite in
style--very messy, perhaps, but it is still entertaining to watch. Some Evil
Overlords are so overcome by their desire for great captures that they actually
let their game suffer. A shame, too, since the player who loses may not be able
to participate in another game--or anything else... afterwards.
2. The Accretion Disk of Crab 61 - It sounds unassuming, but this is
not a place to be missed by the true power junkie. A huge gas nebula is being
sucked down a black hole here, and the resulting disk of matter around it is
releasing more energy than can be tracked, and almost more than can be calculated.
Lightning along the spokes is the least of its visual effects, and the nearby
station has a mouth-watering explanation of just how much power there is here.
I have sat and dreamed for hours while staring at that slow pinwheel, trying
to figure out how to harness such vast quantities that it would power the whole
galaxy for generations in a matter of seconds.
1. Virtopia - Although construction has not been completed as of this
writing, Virtopia will be the Evil Overlord's amusement park extraordinaire.
The chess games would be lost in one corner of this huge world-wide interactive
thrill-a-rama. Spookiness, horror, more gore than you know what to do with,
and all flawlessly choreographed by the best of them all--me. Note: at present,
the current inhabitants call it Neopia, a totally silly name that I plan on
demolishing along with everything else once I get my transmogrification ray
Okay, enough with the frivolities. Now to get back
from that carefree existence you managed to sneak in and concentrate on the
really important stuff--and I mean really important, the most important thing
that you'll ever consider in your whole life: your legacy!
To be continued...