Hi there. My name is blchocobo. No, it's not capitalised--I'm not that kind
of pet. I have an older brother, MonoKeras, with two capitals in his name. He's
a "flashy golden Uni", to quote him, and he's got all sorts of talents and fame
and stuff that I don't have. Some people think that I would begrudge him all
of his advantages, but the truth is I don't. I'm happy to let him have all of
his fun, while I get to hang around the house and sunbathe. I'm a Blumaroo,
and we come from Mystery Island. Not only that, but I'm a desert Blumaroo, so
the sun and I are good friends. But when that gets too boring, I can always
go play conscience to MonoKeras. He thrives on trouble, and that means there's
always room for a good word of caution to be slipped in somewhere. He likes
nightlife, too, but I've always had bad luck with that myself.
Take the time not long ago when I was at the Grundo's ear (complete with green
something or other nailed to the sign outside.) I was sitting at a bar stool
sucking on a pineapple slushie when the breath was driven from me by a huge
hand that slammed itself down on my shoulder. I was jerked up as a voice grunted
in my ear, "Outta my seat, runt."
The hand dropped me onto the floor and I picked myself up to see a huge mountain
of muscular red scales, topped with an imposing metal helmet. The Koi warrior
smirked down at me. "Hey, looky, it's a desert Blumaroo So tell me, dessie,
do your eyes really glow red when you're mad? huh? huh?" He didn't wait for
an answer. He leaned forward into my face and then snickered. "Let's make you
mad and see." With that, he began slapping my face back and forth. My mask helped
protect me from the blows, but even so my ears were starting to ring as my vision
jerked from side to side.
I didn't give him any other response, so the Koi Warrior soon tired of his
little game. He lounged back and remarked, "I figured that. They're all fakes-
look at that, he isn't glowing at all, just stands there."
"Maybe he isn't mad," said a Faerie dressed in a light blue furred robe.
The Koi Warrior gave out a booming laugh. "You're probably right, sweets.
He must be one of those wimpy little pets that never get mad at anything. Well,
what have we got here?" He picked up my slushie from the bar. "Look at this!
A wimpy little drink for the wimpy little pet. Here, pet, take your slushie
I began to reach for the slushie he held in one huge paw, but he jerked it
back and then tossed the contents of it into my face. I simply stood there and
let juice drip off my mask as he roared with laughter. I couldn't afford to
get mad. Unlike MonoKeras, I don't have a lot of strength and other skills-
and I think even MonoKeras would lose against this guy. I simply turned to leave.
But the Koi Warrior wasn't through humiliating me yet. I felt a giant kick
in my backside that lifted me into the air and halfway across the room. I skidded
to a stop underneath a table and curled up there for a minute. I felt like a
piece of bread that had just been shot out of a giant toaster. I hurt, and I
was burning both with some physical scrapes, and the utter humiliation of it
all. I just laid there and listened to the Koi Warrior laughing it up with his
Battledome buddies. After a few minutes, I figured I'd been forgotten, so I
crawled out and managed to sneak away.
The only thing that kept it from being a total disaster was the sympathetic
look I caught from the Snow Faerie on my way out.
Over the next few weeks, the Koi Warrior started to haunt me. I'd be on an
errand in the mall, or strolling through the park, or even just sitting by the
rainbow pool, and there he'd be. Sometimes he might ignore me, but usually I
could figure on at least one good hit--either a slap, a kick, or just a shove.
Sometimes he pretended it was an accident, as if I weren't there. Sometimes
he sneered at me. I don't know what it was about me or my slushie that got him
started, but he sure wasn't ready to stop. I began to fantasise about how to
get rid of him.
It all sort of came to a head the day the mutants had their rally. I was there
when they paraded by, holding their signs that read "Don't blame us for our
looks!", "We hate Sloth more than you do!", "Mutants have feelings too!" and
other similar sayings. I was watching it rather apprehensively. I don't mind
rallies, exactly, but ever since I got caught up in the Blumaroo rallies in
Terror Mountain, I've been a bit hesitant about them. I remember all too well
the outcomes of those.
It turned out that the trouble wasn't going to come from the mutants, though.
I saw the tall red figure of the Koi Warrior, accompanied by the clanking metal
hulk of the Robo Grarrl, and the Green limbs of the Spider Grundo. There were
a few more Battledome fighters in their little group, too, but I didn't quite
make them out. All I heard was the huge bellow of laughter from the Koi Warrior.
"Hey gang!" he said to his buddies, "what does this look like to you?"
I heard them laughing and jeering at the crowd of mutants, but the real action
began when the Koi Warrior picked up on what one of them said and replied, "They're
waiting for someone, it may as well be us!"
That was the signal for a full scale assault on the protesters. Ugly mutant
brown hides, scales, fangs, and claws suddenly turned onto the Battledome fighters
as they dove into the march. I shuddered, pitying the mutants. Sure enough,
they began to suffer immediately. Like over ninety-nine percent of Neopets,
they were just no match for the huge warriors.
I couldn't watch it anymore. I turned to leave, with one paw holding my stomach
as it tried to be sick. It was then that I bumped into the old Gelert standing
behind me. "Whoa, sonny," he said, as he prevented me from falling. "Don't be
in such a hurry to run away."
"Sorry," I replied. "It's just that I don't like seeing that..." I motioned
back behind me.
The Gelert nodded. "I know just what you mean. You were probably thinking
about how you might even get back at them, weren't you?" He looked at me shrewdly.
I just nodded a bit. "You're not the first one, son. I've looked into it as
well, and I'm afraid it may be hopeless."
"Why?" I blurted. "They're nothing but a gang of thugs, why doesn't someone
"Because they're a very successful gang of thugs. But you really do them an
injustice by calling them a gang. That red warrior fellow is the worst of the
lot. Ever since he lost his home, I think he really doesn't give a rip about
anyone or anything. He just starts trouble and leads everyone else into it."
"But couldn't the Battledome league just ban him, then?"
"Sure, if they wanted to--but he's one of their best, most colourful fighters.
They wouldn't do that. Nope, the only way you could convince them to really
discipline him is to show them that he can't do a good job. Not an easy thing
"I guess not." My shoulders drooped with despair, and I left without saying
I didn't realise that I'd headed for MonoKeras' office until I found my hands
on the doorknob. That pulled me out of my daze, and I walked into the room with
an idea forming in the back of my mind.
"Blchocobo!" MonoKeras cried happily when he looked up.
"Hi, MonoKeras," I replied. I sat down in his client chair.
"Have a seat--oh, you already beat me to it. Hey, what brings you by here?
Anything on your mind?"
"Maybe," I replied. "Have you heard of the Koi Warrior?"
"Sure, he's a big fighter in the Battledome. I haven't ever tackled him, though,
he's out of my league. What brings him up?"
"Well...." I hesitated.
MonoKeras laughed. "Come on, brother, spit it out, it can't be that bad!"
If you only knew, I thought bleakly. "Well... does he have any weaknesses?"
MonoKeras blinked. "Weaknesses? I suppose so. As the Techo Master says, everyone
has a weakness, even if that just means they're not as good at some things as
others." He frowned at me. "I still don't get it. What's the big deal?"
I ducked my head a bit to hide my grimace. "Could you find out what they are?"
"I want to know the Koi Warrior's weaknesses."
MonoKeras gave a one-sided grin. "Don't tell me my own brother is about to
hire me to do some investigating?"
"I guess I am"
"Hmmm..." a calculating look crossed his face. "Now what could I charge my
brother to work for him, let's see...."
"Please don't let it be too expensive," I said. I fought to keep a pleading
tone out of my voice, but I guess I didn't quite succeed.
MonoKeras looked hurt. "I was just teasing! I'll be glad to do it for you,
and don't worry about pay--you've already worked it out these past few months
while I.... well, enough said about that!"
"OK," I agreed happily. I left feeling much better than when I came in. With
MonoKeras looking into it, I felt sure of getting some good results.
Results weren't long in coming. The next morning, MonoKeras told me to come
by his office at about ten and he should have the results of his research for
me. I came in to find him sitting at his desk, with mane straggling every which
way--the very picture of exuberant exhaustion. If I hadn't seen him at home
just a couple of hours earlier, I would have been concerned about his health,
but I knew that it was mostly an act. He's always had a flair for the dramatic.
"Ahh, blchocobo, just the Blumaroo I was waiting for!" he crowed.
"Hi," I said, "did everything work out OK?"
"It worked perfectly," he chortled. "And boy is this juicy. Just wait till
you hear this!!"
I heard, and he was right. It was great, and I didn't blame him for laughing.
I left with an immediate plan in mind. I stocked up with some secret weapons
and headed towards the Central Neopian Battledome. I got lucky there--the Koi
Warrior was fighting there that day, and I managed to get a ticket into one
of the front rows without much trouble.
I sat there, clutching my bag to myself as I watched the Koi Warrior stride
out and parade before his cheering fans. Then the challenger, a blue Shoyru,
entered. He got some cheers too, though not as loud. The battle started off,
and they both danced around the ring, hurling fire and using a dizzying array
of weapons. I waited until the Shoyru was between the Koi and me before I tossed
my first weapon into the ring.
I bit back a groan as it didn't go far enough. Instead of landing between
the two combatants, it landed behind the Shoyru. He took a step back, hit it,
and his feet flew out from under him. A bunch of pets gasped, waiting for the
Koi Warrior to pounce on his fallen opponent. But he didn't do it! He simply
stood there, gaping at what now lay between them. I didn't wait for him to recover.
I tossed another one into the ring. He danced backwards, gulping with fear.
The Shoyru looked up just in time to see my third missile arc through the air
towards the Koi Warrior.
Catcalls came from the crowd as the Koi Warrior huddled back into a corner,
eyes darting wildly. The Shoyru lost no time in seizing the advantage. He jumped
to his feet, grabbed my weapons, and sprang at the Koi Warrior, brandishing
the green, leafy stalks and screaming defiance.
The Koi Warrior panicked. He turned, jumped the ropes, and ran out through
the crowd. The Shoyru stood there, crowing triumphantly as he held his victory
weapons aloft, while news hounds shot their flashbulbs in his face. Everyone
in the crowd was laughing and I couldn't blame them. There, for all the world
to see, stood the pet who had put the mighty Koi Warrior to flight by simply
threatening him... with three stalks of asparagus!
As it turned out, I never did need to write that letter to the Battledome
people. They suspended the Koi Warrior while they gave him a thorough psychological
examination. I don't know how he got his phobia about asparagus, but I was relieved
to hear that they cured him from not just that, but from a lot of his nastiness
Looking back, I wasn't too surprised to hear that. If I had a vision of green
stalks stalking me in the back of my mind, I'd be nasty too!
Although I would love to claim full credit for the quirky originality of this
story, many of the key elements were thought up by someone else. This story was
originally custom made for the Neopian
Times Appreciation Guild as a submission in their Writing Challenge Contest.