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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Hunting, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 9 > Short Stories > Adventures of the Neoprise: Planet of Cannibal Kacheeks

Adventures of the Neoprise: Planet of Cannibal Kacheeks

by ladyofsylla

Captain’s Log, 3rd Month of Mission #6: “We have discovered a new planet in Galaxy Y. Lieutenant Dangerlove urges us to explore, but I have reservations… new planets tend to harbour either mutants, savage natives, or warring factions. However, I am obligated to gather information about new civilizations. Perhaps this will be a peaceful planet for once…”

There sat Captain Reginald_Poindexter the spotted Blumaroo. He wore his metal space armour, for he had been preparing for a surface study ever since Mischmasch had sighted the unknown planet on their radar. He tapped his helmet thoughtfully before putting it on, and wondered what they would find on this new planet. Nothing ever turned out well on their surface studies, and Reginald was beginning to believe that the ship Neoprise was cursed with bad luck.

Suddenly the door to the Captain’s Chamber slid open, and Evan_Eggplant, the skunk Lupe who was second in command, poked his head around the doorway. “Captain, Mischmasch is ready to beam us down onto Planet X. You might want to hurry.” Evan was wearing metal space armour as well, and as he retreated, Reginald could hear him clanking and crashing away like a pile of tin cans.

The Captain pulled the uncomfortable helmet over his big floppy ears, until he felt them fit snugly into the metal ear-covers of the helmet. It was quite an unwieldy getup, but Reginald managed. He banged and clattered after Evan, and found him waiting with the fire Eyrie Dangerlove to be beamed down. Mischmasch was at the controls. He really was an intelligent Moehog, and Reginald always made a point of praising Mischmasch’s abilities.

When the Captain, Dangerlove and Evan were in place, Mischmasch pushed some buttons and said, “Energize,” in a professional voice. The room faded…

…And the three were standing in the center of a ring of fierce-looking natives. “Why am I not surprised?” Captain Reginald muttered.

“Looks like vicious, prehistoric Kacheeks, Captain,” Evan said. “They seem to be threatened by our presence.”

Dangerlove nodded. “But are they to be feared, or should we give them a chance to warm up to us? Maybe we should give them food.”

Evan looked surprised. “Logical, but impossible,” he said. “We have no food with us.”

Just then one of the Kacheeks started waving a long spear in the air, and calling in a strange language. It wore a furry hat with horns on either side, which fit poorly and fell down over the Kacheek’s eyes. “ARRRMAGGHARRR!” the Kacheek bellowed, waving its spear and arms like a maniac.

Reginald decided that this was the leader of the savage Kacheeks He poked Dangerlove, and pointed inconspicuously to the Kacheek with the hat. “We need to communicate with him somehow,” he whispered to the lieutenant. Dangerlove nodded, and began to hop and wave in an imitation of the Kacheek leader. Reginald thought that the sanity of his crew was going steadily downhill. He couldn’t bear to watch.

Dangerlove kept at the flapping and bounding, until the Kacheek noticed her. He narrowed his eyes to slits, pointed menacingly at the Eyrie, and said in what would most accurately be described as a shriek, “RRAAAAARRRGLY!”

All at once the Kacheeks that were circling them lowered their weapons. The leader pushed his hat back in order to see the three intruders properly, but it immediately fell back down across his eyes. “Urrgh mullow Haahf!” he said in a proper speaking voice. Reginald, Evan and Dangerlove continued to stare blankly at the savage. Sensing that they couldn’t understand him, the Kacheek hopped once, and beckoned them with his spear.

Captain Reginald decided that the best thing to do would be to follow the wild Kacheek “Go on, Evan,” he said. “Follow the Kacheek”

“Captain, is this logical?” Evan asked, frowning as he clattered after the natives, “They could be leading us to our deaths.”

“We don’t have much of a choice,” Dangerlove replied, “If we don’t do what they tell us to do, they might very well decide to use their spears. Getting yourself destroyed would be very illogical, would it not?” Evan only glared at her, and went clanging on behind the crowd of Kacheeks

After about an hour of walking, Reginald was feeling very hot and cramped in his noisy metal space armour. This planet was steamy and tropical, and it felt to Reginald like he was in an oven. He hoped their weren’t any cannibals about, because they would most likely find a precooked meal quite appetizing.

Finally they reached the village of savage Kacheeks It was simply a circle of grass huts, with a statue of an extremely fat Kacheek in the center. “I find this quite disturbing, Captain,” Evan said in an undertone. “What do they plan to do with us?”

Before Reginald could answer, a spear point was at his throat. The Kacheek leader held the spear, and he was motioning for the three of them to go to the center of the village. Suddenly the Kacheeks were looking very menacing, and Reginald had to fight off the feeling that they had been tricked into coming to their deaths. Perhaps Evan had been right. After all, his logical observations were hardly ever wrong.

“MEEWAAOOHGG!” the Kacheek bawled, startling Reginald out of his thoughts. “MEEWAAAAOOOHGG WAAAOOHGG!” he shrieked once again. Dangerlove cringed and would have covered her ears had she not been wearing metal gloves.

Then the three realised that there was something else besides a statue in the middle of the village: there was a gigantic fire pit. It had been hidden from view until now, when they were closer. There were three steaks in the pit, with ropes and chains hung on them. “Captain,” Evan said shakily, “I believe they intend to roast us alive. And then perhaps they’ll eat us, though I can’t say how tender Lupe meat will be.”

The Kacheek with the hat was slowly advancing with his spear, forcing Reginald, Dangerlove and Evan to back towards the pit. “Good-bye, Captain,” Dangerlove said sadly. Reginald knew that in one more step, they would be over the edge of the pit, and at the mercy of the prehistoric Kacheeks Then the village faded…

…And they were standing before a very anxious-looking Mischmasch.

“I thought we we're done for!” exclaimed Dangerlove.

Mischmasch grinned, and said, “Well, right after the three of you left, I was going through the Planet Archives. I know we thought this was an undiscovered planet, but I found that about three centuries ago, a famous explorer happened upon this very same planet. He found it so disturbing that he didn’t put in any of the history books, for fear that some adventurous soul might try to visit it.

“What is the planet called, Mischmasch?” Captain Reginald asked.

“Well… it’s called—can you believe it?—Planet CK, which stands for Cannibal Kacheeks... I’m just glad I got you out in time, Captain.”

Evan smiled, and said in a serious voice, “It’s a very logical name. I couldn’t have thought of a better one myself.”

The End

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