Captain’s Log, 3rd Month of Mission #6: “We have discovered a new planet
in Galaxy Y. Lieutenant Dangerlove urges us to explore, but I have reservations…
new planets tend to harbour either mutants, savage natives, or warring factions.
However, I am obligated to gather information about new civilizations. Perhaps
this will be a peaceful planet for once…”
There sat Captain Reginald_Poindexter the spotted Blumaroo. He wore his metal
space armour, for he had been preparing for a surface study ever since Mischmasch
had sighted the unknown planet on their radar. He tapped his helmet thoughtfully
before putting it on, and wondered what they would find on this new planet.
Nothing ever turned out well on their surface studies, and Reginald was beginning
to believe that the ship Neoprise was cursed with bad luck.
Suddenly the door to the Captain’s Chamber slid open, and Evan_Eggplant, the
skunk Lupe who was second in command, poked his head around the doorway. “Captain,
Mischmasch is ready to beam us down onto Planet X. You might want to hurry.”
Evan was wearing metal space armour as well, and as he retreated, Reginald could
hear him clanking and crashing away like a pile of tin cans.
The Captain pulled the uncomfortable helmet over his big floppy ears, until
he felt them fit snugly into the metal ear-covers of the helmet. It was quite
an unwieldy getup, but Reginald managed. He banged and clattered after Evan,
and found him waiting with the fire Eyrie Dangerlove to be beamed down. Mischmasch
was at the controls. He really was an intelligent Moehog, and Reginald always
made a point of praising Mischmasch’s abilities.
When the Captain, Dangerlove and Evan were in place, Mischmasch pushed some
buttons and said, “Energize,” in a professional voice. The room faded…
…And the three were standing in the center of a ring of fierce-looking natives.
“Why am I not surprised?” Captain Reginald muttered.
“Looks like vicious, prehistoric Kacheeks, Captain,” Evan said. “They seem
to be threatened by our presence.”
Dangerlove nodded. “But are they to be feared, or should we give them a chance
to warm up to us? Maybe we should give them food.”
Evan looked surprised. “Logical, but impossible,” he said. “We have no food
Just then one of the Kacheeks started waving a long spear in the air, and calling
in a strange language. It wore a furry hat with horns on either side, which
fit poorly and fell down over the Kacheek’s eyes. “ARRRMAGGHARRR!” the Kacheek
bellowed, waving its spear and arms like a maniac.
Reginald decided that this was the leader of the savage Kacheeks He poked
Dangerlove, and pointed inconspicuously to the Kacheek with the hat. “We need
to communicate with him somehow,” he whispered to the lieutenant. Dangerlove
nodded, and began to hop and wave in an imitation of the Kacheek leader. Reginald
thought that the sanity of his crew was going steadily downhill. He couldn’t
bear to watch.
Dangerlove kept at the flapping and bounding, until the Kacheek noticed her.
He narrowed his eyes to slits, pointed menacingly at the Eyrie, and said in
what would most accurately be described as a shriek, “RRAAAAARRRGLY!”
All at once the Kacheeks that were circling them lowered their weapons. The
leader pushed his hat back in order to see the three intruders properly, but
it immediately fell back down across his eyes. “Urrgh mullow Haahf!” he said
in a proper speaking voice. Reginald, Evan and Dangerlove continued to stare
blankly at the savage. Sensing that they couldn’t understand him, the Kacheek
hopped once, and beckoned them with his spear.
Captain Reginald decided that the best thing to do would be to follow the wild
Kacheek “Go on, Evan,” he said. “Follow the Kacheek”
“Captain, is this logical?” Evan asked, frowning as he clattered after the
natives, “They could be leading us to our deaths.”
“We don’t have much of a choice,” Dangerlove replied, “If we don’t do what
they tell us to do, they might very well decide to use their spears. Getting
yourself destroyed would be very illogical, would it not?” Evan only glared
at her, and went clanging on behind the crowd of Kacheeks
After about an hour of walking, Reginald was feeling very hot and cramped
in his noisy metal space armour. This planet was steamy and tropical, and it
felt to Reginald like he was in an oven. He hoped their weren’t any cannibals
about, because they would most likely find a precooked meal quite appetizing.
Finally they reached the village of savage Kacheeks It was simply a circle
of grass huts, with a statue of an extremely fat Kacheek in the center. “I find
this quite disturbing, Captain,” Evan said in an undertone. “What do they plan
to do with us?”
Before Reginald could answer, a spear point was at his throat. The Kacheek
leader held the spear, and he was motioning for the three of them to go to the
center of the village. Suddenly the Kacheeks were looking very menacing, and
Reginald had to fight off the feeling that they had been tricked into coming
to their deaths. Perhaps Evan had been right. After all, his logical observations
were hardly ever wrong.
“MEEWAAOOHGG!” the Kacheek bawled, startling Reginald out of his thoughts.
“MEEWAAAAOOOHGG WAAAOOHGG!” he shrieked once again. Dangerlove cringed and would
have covered her ears had she not been wearing metal gloves.
Then the three realised that there was something else besides a statue in
the middle of the village: there was a gigantic fire pit. It had been hidden
from view until now, when they were closer. There were three steaks in the pit,
with ropes and chains hung on them. “Captain,” Evan said shakily, “I believe
they intend to roast us alive. And then perhaps they’ll eat us, though I can’t
say how tender Lupe meat will be.”
The Kacheek with the hat was slowly advancing with his spear, forcing Reginald,
Dangerlove and Evan to back towards the pit. “Good-bye, Captain,” Dangerlove
said sadly. Reginald knew that in one more step, they would be over the edge
of the pit, and at the mercy of the prehistoric Kacheeks Then the village faded…
…And they were standing before a very anxious-looking Mischmasch.
“I thought we we're done for!” exclaimed Dangerlove.
Mischmasch grinned, and said, “Well, right after the three of you left, I was
going through the Planet Archives. I know we thought this was an undiscovered
planet, but I found that about three centuries ago, a famous explorer happened
upon this very same planet. He found it so disturbing that he didn’t put in
any of the history books, for fear that some adventurous soul might try to visit
“What is the planet called, Mischmasch?” Captain Reginald asked.
“Well… it’s called—can you believe it?—Planet CK, which stands for Cannibal
Kacheeks... I’m just glad I got you out in time, Captain.”
Evan smiled, and said in a serious voice, “It’s a very logical name. I couldn’t
have thought of a better one myself.”