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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 17th day of Gathering, Yr 21
The Neopian Times Week 149 > Articles > Sloth it to me, Baby!

Sloth it to me, Baby!

by plushieowner

Sloth’s Worm of Wisdom: I understand age before beauty in reference to Roxy and I. But if it is pearl before swine, why don’t I have a Snorkle snout? English is a weird language, Grundo is much more sensible.

Ever since Roxy and others have suggested I may not be a Neopet, I have been questioning my meaning to existence and life itself. Philosophy, the arts and all that jazz. If I’m not a Neopet, what am I? Am I a jpg. or a gif. file? Was the Negg before the Lenny or did the Meerca Chase it away? I am not certain how to unscramble this puzzle.

Instead of a 20 page thesis, surely you want some mud slinging advice fun instead. Work with me, people! Work with me!

*****************

I was thinking just the other day, Slothenator, why you commonly appear to be the butt of all jokes in comics and other sections of the Times? Also why are you portrayed as dim-witted?

In comics, I have seen you in a Jhudiah-esque bikini, playing with Usuki dolls and a tea set, in nothing but a bath towel, as a couch potato, dressed as a faerie, lodged in a chimney, vacuuming while wearing just briefs and other sick mental images. Please explain..Sloth..please explain. Comic Relief

Bit unsure if I have stated this before but I reckon I was put on Neopia to entertain the masses. That is my purpose in life and I figure I’m good at what I do.

Dear Sloth, my Aisha keeps cloning himself! I REALLY need to stop him! Worked to the Clone

Would there be a market for genetic ‘factory seconds’? Is there a real need for Aisha clones? My Disco Aisha plush on my desk keeps falling over as it has too much stuffing in its head. If that is the real case with real life Aishas (never met one before), I wouldn’t touch one with a six foot attack fork.

I’m planning to release a novella called ‘Evil Overlording For Dummies’. How can I steal another author’s idea without anyone noticing? The Write to Remain Silent

Naughty, naughty. Copying someone else’s idea or copying in general isn’t always a good idea. Once I cheated and I felt terrible. See I hid the answer under the bottom of my kilt (I’m Sloth-ish, leave me alone!)

I have a large Neopets family, I recently tracked down some relatives and drew up a big family tree. Have you ever done the same? Also, I’m interested in your family history. History Repeats Itself

I got my suave and handsome genes from my mother. We Sloths hail from a long line of Miss Neopias. A Space Faerie Circlet suits me, no? Roxy?

I hail from Slothland and have a Sloth-ish background. I’m one eighth Lenny which may explain the hair. (Donna, if you read this why didn’t you revamp my Trump hair instead of creating a new Lupe?)

It’s my friend, Damien the Darigan Kougra’s birthday next week. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Fussy Shopper

Never mind what he'd like for his birthday. Just give him a really gaudy tie that he’ll only wear once.

I miss you Slothenator, hunk of Nerkin Leg! Enormous fan of your super duper, Kougra trooper comics and advice articles. One question, why is there normally a large issue gap between your submissions? Miss Spentyouth

There is a time difference between Neopets HQ, Virtupets Space Space Station and the land down under. Nah, its not just the time difference. I have what is called a day job. All Roxy has to do is sit on her pampered Shoyru behind all day and she gets financial support from the Neopian Historical Society. She may be a living treasure, but sure she is ageing disgracefully.

How many Sloth clones does it take to change a light bulb? Jokers to the Right

Only 1 but the DNA has to want to change.

Dear Sloth, My Shadow Tonu male friend has asked me for some help studying for his next big exam but I plan to go out with some friends. What should I do? Thanks, Testing Times

He's a student? Well, heck with him. Do exactly what you want to do, regardless of what that lowly student wants. This philosophy will carry you far. Trust me, I am a drop out and look how I turned out.

My owner left me alone. I started to play with some crimson, red paint and made a big mark on the carpet. To make matters worse, my Chia brother who I was babysitting has disappeared. Looks too suspicious. Lupe Defender

White Vinegar to blow those nasty stains out of the water and to soften the blow a Chia plushie for the upset owner?

Slothy, remember how in high school you were voted ‘most likely to succeed’. Congrats, you have proved you failed that goal! If there was an award ‘mostly likely to have deceived’ you would get that instead. Some things never change! Lurking in Your Shadow

Rox, hey! I know its you! No real guy would send me a Neomail in glowing magenta font. I remember a certain goodie, goodie Striped Shoyru who always had her head jammed into a trash can. The past hurts, Roxy. *throws the book ‘The Complete History of Shoyrus’ at Roxy*

What is your next plan to take over Neopia? Does it involve large lasers? You Rule my World

Getting to the master plan, I need some lackeys. Any volunteers? You’ll have to wait until the Kreludor plot.

Why do you find amusement in trapping things? A little help would be nice. *moves fingers to no avail* Stucto Gether

Hahaha! I finally caught a human! I have finally learnt the secret of catching Neopians. Low fat chocolate brownies. Yum, yum. I can’t believe its not Neopet!

Hello Sloth, I know boys will be boys, but my charming Lupe is continuously chasing the ladies. Any suggestions? Cherry Blossom

Not to worry. My Lupe has been chasing Chias for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. Hmm...put him on a leash?

Dear Sloth, I have two questions for you.
1. Why do you hate Roxy so much?
2. Can I have your autograph?
Sincerely, A Usul Who Missed Out On The Lost Dessert War

1. I don’t see that Striped Shoyru with a degree in anything. Except the qualifications of giving so-so advice. Want a column war? Bring in on, girlfriend!

2. Er...it will cost you. Don’t just give them out on the street corner, you know?

Hello Doctor Sloth! Overworked and underpaid editors? I really value your opinion on what you think of them. Love, Ms S.

All editors deserve robotic secretaries and coffee making monkeys like my friend Marc. *laughs* No, it doesn’t pour coffee. He makes everyone tea at Neopets HQ.

Hey Frank, wanna come over to the Hidden Tower and hang out? It would be HILARIOUS to see you strung up by your briefs on a flag pole!! Fyora

Right away, Madam. Heart or smiley faced Neopian briefs? Anything for you, honey sugar Faerie pie.

Rant of the Fortnight (or ROTF for short): How can Roxy go around teaching and preaching about fashion when she never appears to wear clothes in public? My friend Plushi0, the Usuki Usul wears clothes but Roxy doesn’t. Girl, do us Neopians a favour. Put a shirt on or I may be able to help you get a job as a soccer hooligan.

Author’s Note: If you would like to have an question answered by Dr Sloth, send me a Neomail and I will pass it onto Doctor Sloth. Your question might be answered in the next Ask Sloth article by Doctor Sloth himself.

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Dr. Sloth: Friend or Foe
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