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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Hiding, Yr 22
The Neopian Times Week 149 > Articles > 25 Easy Ways To Conquer Neopia

25 Easy Ways To Conquer Neopia

by stoneman3x

Maybe it's just me, but I get tired of seeing the same old guys trying to take over Neopia all the time. I say it's time for fresh blood! Err... I mean it's time for someone new to try to overthrow the world. If you own a Neopet that you think you has what it takes to be an evil overlord, or if you are a Neopet with plans for world domination, here are twenty-five handy dandy tips to help you conquer Neopia:

1. Get yourself a black cape and a name that starts with the word "Doctor" or "Lord". Then hypnotize a bunch of mutant Neopets into being your army and following your every zany command. Just remember that appearance is very important. It will be very hard to get an army of Mutant Jetsams to follow you if you are a Baby Pteri, whether they are hypnotized or not.

2. Take over the Virtupets Space Station by making friends with the poor, downtrodden Grundos there. Not ALL of the Grundos are off playing Grundo Snowthrow, you know. Then simply turn them against Dr. Sloth and take over HIS empire. We know this method works because General Kass used it on Lord Darigan. Tip: If THREE of ANYTHING wants to help you out, say "No thanks".

3. Kidnap Fyora and threaten to wrinkle her dress and mess up her hair if she doesn't give up her crown. All of the faeries will be so terrified of her looking like the Grey Faerie that they will turn over the keys to Faerie City to protect her. With all of the magic in Faerieland at your disposal, you can do pretty much whatever you want. Tip: When kidnapping the Faerie Queen, keep away from the sparkly end of her wand.

4. Corner the Neopian Stock Market. Once you have all of the Neopoints in the world, you can simply buy all of Neopia.

5. Circle yourself with 20 different disco-painted Neopets. Everyone around you will go immediately blind and you can conquer them quite easily. MWUHAHAHA!

6. Carry around a brown sack with "500" written on it. Sneak up behind people and scream "Something has happened!" Then demand they give you 500 Neopoints as a "Neohome Property Tax". If they protest that they don't have a Neohome, demand 500 Neopoints as a "Homeless Neopet Tax". If they protest THAT, demand 500 Neopoints as a "Protesting Taxes Tax".

7. Create a super monster like the Monocerous or Chiazilla to do your bidding and stomp everyone flat for you. Tip: Make sure your monster understands that YOU are HIS master before you turn him loose.

8. Leave out a huge pile of Lime Jelly. When all of the petpets from all over Neopia come to graze on it, grab them. Then when all of the Neopets come looking for their petpets, grab them. When all of the owners come looking for their Neopets, grab them. Just make sure your Mom knows that you'll be having about 200 million over for dinner.

9. Get a whole bunch of simple-minded creatures--like 50,000 Battledome-themed guild members-- to become your army simply by saying that somebody stole your orb and you want it back.

10. Create a Neopets Poll that asks, "Should I be elected the Ultimate Dictator of all of Neopia?" Then add a clickable circle that says "Yes". Tip: Make sure you omit the clickable circle that says "No".

11. Gather up about 100,000 White Weewoos and storm the Neopian Times. Once you have control of the Neopian Times, you can say whatever crazy, insane, completely false thing you like in the editorial, like "Mwuhahaha! There IS a world made out of jelly!" The panic and confusion this will cause will allow you to conquer Neopia quite easily.

12. Since there is no "mayor", "governor", "president", "king" "prime minister" or "intelligent lifeform" in charge of Neopia Central, simply pick your favorite title and declare yourself to be that.

13. Go to the Newbie Board and announce that Adam has said he will give out 100,000 million Neopoints each to the first one thousand people to post "I love asparagus!" When everyone in Neopia has flooded into the chatboards, the rest of Neopia will be completely empty and yours to rule.

14. Sneak into the Hidden Tower and steal all of the unbuyable, extremely powerful Battledome weapons. You will now be invincible. Tip: A Baby Paint Brush is NOT a powerful Battledome weapon, and being really cute, short and wearing a diaper will cost you points in the "evil and terrifying" department.

15. Run through the streets of Neopia screaming "Chia Flour is back! Chia Flour is back!" When everyone is cowering in their Neohomes, terrified they will all be changed into Chias, you'll be the only one left in charge. Tip: Since this method obviously won't work on Chias, make sure you bring along a couple of your Lupe buddies so the Chias will cower in their Neohomes, too.

16. Since the Court Dancer in King Skarl's court is now unemployed, hire her to dance for the Neopets Staff and mesmerize them into giving you Neopia for winning the "Better Than You" contest. Just make sure the Court Dancer also mesmerizes the Neostaff into making the "Better than You" contest that week getting 5 points in Kacheek Seek.

17. Sneak into the National Neopian Bank in the middle of the night and steal as many Neopoints as you can carry. Then hire yourself an army of big, fierce, intimidating minions to help you take over Neopia. Tip: Christmas Bruces are NOT big, fierce and intimidating.

18. Two words: Dung Catapult.

19. Send a message to all of the leaders of Neopia: Princess Vyssa of the Lost Desert, King Roo of Roo Island, King Skarl of Meridell, Lord Darigan of the Darigan Citadel, Queen Fyora of Faerieland, Count von Roo of the Haunted Woods, Grand Elder Kyruggi of Tyrannia, Pango Pango of Mystery Island, Taelia of Terror Mountain and Dr. Sloth of Kreludor/Space Station. Tell them they have all been summoned to a special emergency meeting in Maraqua. Hopefully they will all forget that Maraqua is underwater and by the time they dry off you will have had time to conquer all of Neopia with your evil Meepit army. Tip: Promise the Meepits a juice break AFTER you have been declared Emperor of Neopia.

20. Paint yourself with an Invisible Paint Brush and whisper in King Skarl's ear, "If being king is making you so grumpy, why don't you give the job to someone else? Like an invisible force whispering in your ear, for example?"

21. Gather up all of the sponge Kikos, sponge Grundos and sponge Moehogs in Neopia and toss them into the Maraquan Ocean. They will immediately soak up all of the water. Then all you have to do is refuse to give back any of the water until you are declared the new ruler of Neopia. Of course, there is the slight possibility that nobody except the people on the high score table of "Sewage Surfer" will even care.

22. Hire someone to write the News Update page using nothing but chatspeak and L33T. The vast majority of Neopia will be so confused that they will beg you to be the overlord of all of Neopia just so they can understand what is going on every day.

23. Also known as the "Trojan Uni" technique, a clever way to conquer Neopia is by using the element of surprise and some hand tools. Build an enormous wooden Uni and paint this sign on the side of it: "ANOTHER NEW UNI MAKEOVER". Then park it in the middle of the Rainbow Pool. When a huge army of Uni owners clusters around screaming in rage, scream "HA HA HA HA HA! JUST KIDDING! They will all instantaneously faint and you will have defeated them without using even one Wet Snowball. The great thing about this nifty trick is that it will work no matter how many different enormous wooden pet species you build and leave parked by the Rainbow Pool.

24. Rent a building in Neopia Central and announce that Neoschool is now open. Everyone will get very excited and rush to enroll their pets in it. When they are there, have them repeat over and over "One times two equals two, two times two equals four, Stoneman3x equals a supreme being..."

25. Walk up to Donna and say, "Can I pretty please be the evil overlord of all of Neopia?" Afterall, it never hurts to ask.

DISCLAIMER THINGY: This article is meant to be humorous and was NOT meant to be taken seriously. Please do not use these techniques to attempt to take over Neopia! Ummm... but if you DO manage to conquer Neopia, can I be your Second-in-Command?

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