From the case files of kojak_hommes, Private Eye Lupe
I’d have truly loved to say that this case was the best
way to start my new career as Neopia Central’s top Detective. Sadly, if I did
say that, then I’d be standing a much better chance at winning the Storytelling
Competition, because I’d be downright lying out of my fur.
It wasn't a great case for first time around;
you know what I mean? In fact, as starting cases go, this one out-stank the
Rubbish Dump over in Meridell…not that is wasn't a good case, because it was!
It's just that it was annoying, that's all. It was one of those cases where
everyone was equally under suspicion, because they all had good motives (if
a good motive is even possible when it comes to a crime).
Ah, but enough about my bellyaching! You didn't
pick up this case file to read all my complaints, right? Maybe it would be best
if I just introduced myself and get on with the facts…
The name is kojak_hommes, and I'm a male green
Lupe. When my owner first created me, I'm guessing that he had intended my name
to be something of a pun, but I think also took it to heart, I guess. I read
basically every book I could find in Neopia faster than you could mention 'Intelligence
Quota' (that is, if you said it really slowly). Then I completed every single
Defender of Neopia mission in double-quick time and literally begged my owner
to allow me to earn my keep by hiring-out my services as a P.I. for the citizens
of Neopia. That's Private Eye, by the way. Now, don't ask me why someone used
'I' for Eye instead of 'E,' I'm not the one involved in making acronyms up,
okay? No doubt he thought it was extremely witty at the time.
Amazingly enough, my owner agreed, and I soon
had an apartment on the outskirts of Neopia Central where people could easily
find me if they wished to enlist my services. About three days into my new life
as sleuth-for-hire, and I got my first real case.
Only now I wished I had had time to get ready
for it. As I mentioned earlier, it was a nasty case to get started on…
I was in the Coffee Shop, waiting for my client
(client, customer, call her what you like, she pays me money) to show up. The
Shoyru that ran the place knew me as a regular there, so she knew what type
of Coffee I like and, in no time at all, there was a piping-hot cup of it right
there before my very eyes.
As I sat in the there, sipping the Double Mocha,
I mulled morosely over the bare bones of the case I had just been given beforehand
as I waited for my client to arrive. They weren't all that helpful, either...but
I use what I'm given, I can't complain.
Now, if a picture paints a thousand words, then
hopefully my words will paint a pretty nice picture for you: My client, a Jubjub
by the name of Trixy, had left her Wand of Ultranova on a Corral Table overnight.
Now, you'd probably think that that was just asking for trouble, right? Yeah,
well, me too…what kind of a person leaves a very expensive item out on show
like that? The answer: A trusting one. And they're the worst kind, I don't mind
telling you! more likely to get into trouble then the rest of us. You'd think
she'd learn, right...?
Not so Trixy, it would seem - for she had trained
her Doglefox how to be a Watchdog. If an unknown person came into her Neohome,
Growler - her Doglefox's name - would keep barking until either Trixy entered
upon the scene, or until the intruder got scared and ran off. No dice, there;
Growler slept happily all night.
Trixy was clever enough to rule out the pant
devil, to give her credit…
Surprisingly, I was so caught-up in my train
of thought that I hadn't noticed the JubJub's entrance. The first time I noted
her actual appearance was when she coughed politely.
Raising my muzzle from my paws, I quickly made
with the apologies. "Oh, I am sorry, Ms Trixy…I was just giving your case some
"That's quite alright, Mr Hommes," she blushed,
hopping onto a chair opposite me. "Here," she added, pushing a piece of paper
towards me, "I did as you suggested in your last letter and have spent all night
writing up a list of suspects…but…"
I sighed, my head drooping back into my paws.
Not only had she probably spent a good ten hours writing a list that would take
me at least twice as long to get through, there was a 'but' with the package
too! "Go on, please," I insisted politely, whilst in my mind I was screaming
no! I don't want anymore trouble than a list longer than the Tax Beast's accounts!
"Well…the thing is, I thought long and hard about
it…but I've only come up with two that really would have a reason for taking
"Two?" I repeated happily, staring expectantly
through a gap in my paws. Where was the 'but' in two suspects? If anything,
it would be a 'good news'! "Oh, that should be easy enough."
If only I knew then just what I was getting myself
into, I'd have booked the next trip to Mystery Island until the whole thing
"Go, on then," I encouraged the young girl after
a slight pause. "Who are these two…suspects of yours?"
"Well," the Jubjub muttered, fidgeting slightly
under my awfully hopeful gaze. "There's Sammy the Grundo. I've beaten him so
many times in the Battledome with it - but he just can't take defeat, Mr Hommes!
Can't face losing to a girl with no arms, if you ask my opinion…but I'm going
off track here aren't I? Anyway, I believe he may have stolen the Wand to finally
beat me, if not with it then without it, making us much more equally-matched."
"And then there's Thomas the Aisha…though he'd
have been more suitably created as a Jetsam, you mark my words! A right little
loan-shark, as I've had the unpleasantness to discover. It was he that gave
me the other half of the Neopoints it took to buy the Wand…though now I realise
it was sheer folly of me not to wait until I had saved up for it entirely by
myself! Anyway, now he wants the money I owe him back plus half of that, as
well! And he is awfully impatient! He may have taken the Wand as collateral
- you know, I can't have the Wand back until I've paid off the debt…"
"Hmm," was all I managed to say after the Jubjub
had paused for a bit too long. "Well, I can probably guess who you suspect more,
but it is better to get a second opinion -"
"Oh, but that's not all!" Trixy exclaimed abruptly,
in a shrillness that made my sensitive ears twitch in acute pain. "I thought
it would be easy too! But then I discovered something…annoying."
"I'm all ears…" I muttered sadly, gulping down
the lukewarm dregs of my coffee, which had totally lost all flavour as well
as appeal. This was probably the same 'but' as the one she mentioned a while
back, and if it complicated this otherwise perfectly simple case, then it couldn't
be a pleasant one.
"Well, both Sammy and Thomas, they both have
pretty solid alibis…"
"Oh," alibis were bad, especially if they were
solid. An alibi, in case you didn't know, is someone's explanation of what they
were doing at the time of the crime, as well as where they might have been and
"And," the Jubjub added cautiously, not making
my job any easier, I can tell you. "They both have Wands of Ultranova…New ones."
"Oh." It didn't seem like a good day for
my head as it sank even lower towards the tabletop. "A two-wayer, a no-brainer.
Tricky…I can see why you hired me now, You'd look pretty silly if you accused
the wrong Neopet which, in these cases, seem to be more prone to happen then
"That is why I called you, Mr Hommes…maybe you'd
like to come and have a look at my Neohome? No doubt your trained eye will find
things I've missed."
"Lead the way!" I announced happily, my ego swelling
to proportions that would've made Sloth envious. It wouldn't last, though…oh,
Good things seldom do.
To Be Continued…
Author’s Note: No, kojak_hommes HASN’T read all the books in Neopia OR completed
all the Defender of Neopia missions…I just said that to make him sound like a
more experienced crime-fighter. What would be the point of a dim-witted Detective,
huh? You tell me that...
Oh, and it’s a thing called Artistic License ;)