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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 22nd day of Gathering, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 146 > Articles > The Pessimist’s Guide to Neopia: Uber Faeries

The Pessimist’s Guide to Neopia: Uber Faeries

by cebu_that_meows

FAERIELAND - Hello, everyone! My name is static_meow, or Stat, for short, and I will be your guide today. But first off, let’s get one thing straight: Yes, I am a Baby Zafara. I don’t exactly fit the baby stereotype of cute and cuddly, and if you make any cracks on how adorable and sweet I am I swear I will bite you. Got it? Good. Let’s get going.

Now, in this article we are going to talk about the Uber Faeries; The ones who live in Faerieland. We’ll not only talk about their quests, but also about their looks, personalities, and habits. Get behind the glitz and glamour and find out how they REALLY are.

We’ll start off with my favorite: The Dark Faerie. She makes her own rules and doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her. She has awesome purple hair (which my mother won’t let me have, by the way) and she is the only one of the Uber Faeries to have claws at the end of her wings. Those things can do some damage. One thing that disappoints me though is that she is still stuck in her childhood years. For her quests, she asks for toys. TOYS! I am still desperately grasping onto that slim ray of hope that she has some evil use for those toys, and doesn’t just play with them. And she increases your pet’s health after you complete her quest. She could do something much cooler, like zap your pet Darigan or Shadow or some other cool color.

Next is the Air Faerie. Know why she’s called that? CAUSE THAT’S ALL THAT IS IN HER HEAD! Can you say ditz? My guess is that she lies around on a cloud eating grapes and being fanned all day. She asks that you get her beauty products, because she probably can’t think of anything more important than that. In return she makes your pet swifter, despite that fact that this means absolutely nothing in the battledome. My brother has a movement speed of ‘cheetah’ and the only place it helps him is when mom makes cookies and he has to be the first one to get one.

The Earth Faerie’s name is definitely an oxymoron, considering she really needs to get down to earth. She obviously trapped in the ‘70s, what with the Afro and how she looks like she’s on her way to a disco. She asks for expensive, powerful magic items (that are probably collecting dust somewhere, as I have never personally seen any of her potions) that will probably cost you around the area of 5,000 neopoints or so. In return, she then makes your pet full, which would’ve cost you a whopping 100 neopoints. Jinkies, what a deal.

The Water Faerie has a Healing Springs in Faerieland, which is usually pretty useless. You go there with a disease which has an unbuyable cure and which causes you to suffer indescribable pain, and she helps you out by giving you a Snowball. I don’t see how this is, considering I have never seen a freezer around there (or anywhere in Neopia) that she could store those in. My guess is all the ‘water’ around there is made up entirely of Snowballs that melted before she could give them away. For her quests, she asks for books so she can read about things like walking around without feet and trying to figure out what messed up disease she has that turned the entirety of both her eyes light blue.

The Fire Faerie is a real hot head. And no, I wasn’t saying that to be cute, I’m serious. Catch her at a bad time (usually in the morning when she has just woken up and looks hideous) and you can guarantee that you’ll have a fireball coming at your face. Another thing about her is that she’s not a natural red head. She’s really a blonde. She just thought that the whole red hair thing would fit better with the fire theme. When you do a quest for her, she has you get her clothes, because she’s obviously not smart enough to put some spell on her clothes to make them flame retardant, and she doesn’t want to use her own money to replace the clothing she burned herself. In return, she raises your pet’s strength. Strength your pet will need to keep itself from punching her in the face after she accidentally singes your pet’s fur.

Now we come to the Light Faerie. Light in the head faerie, as I like to call her. Even though she is supposed to be light and bright, she’s pretty dim. Many times I have wondered if she is the Air Faerie’s twin sister. They look nearly identical and both have the same I.Q. level of a small bundle of sticks. For her quests, she asks for trading cards, which of course doesn’t sound geeky in the least. When you complete her quest, she raises your pet’s level, which is actually very helpful. Perhaps the Dark Faerie suggested it to her.

And last, but not least, the Faerie Queen, Fyora. She’s rather bossy, snooty, and full of herself (she has TONS of things dedicated solely to her!) Not much is known about her quests, except for what is found on the quest help page:

“On rare occasions you will be offered a quest from the most powerful Faerie of all. Be warned, her challenge will be very tough, but if your pets are up to it, her rewards are great.”

My guess is she asks for a Faerie Queen Doll, valued around a million neopoints, to add to her shrine of herself, and gives you a lollipop and pat on the head in return. It says her rewards are great, but she tends to exaggerate things. Like that thing about how she is the most powerful Faerie? Puhleese. I know for a fact that she was held back twice in spell school, and still needs help from other Faeries to this day. And this is the person running all of Neopia, folks.

Well, that’s it for me. I’m off to grab my teddy bear and head to beddy bye…erm…continue to plot my world domination and beg my mother to let me dye my fur purple. If anyone dares to wake me up…er…bother me, let it be known I have a ray gun with me at all times.

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