In a war of brains, a Shoyru wins. In a war of wit, a Shoyru wins. In a war
of beauty, a Shoyru wins. In a war of advice, a Shoyru wins. In the war of Roxy
vs. Sloth, a Shoyru wins.
Take a hint, Slothy. I am going to win this war with you and there is nothing
you can do about it. I am sorry that a girly, fashionable Striped Shoyru is
beating you but it was sure to happen. If I hadn’t stepped up to the plate,
someone else would have, and they would be fighting this war instead of me.
You’ve met your match, Slothy, and I just hope that you have the guts to admit
it. Just the way I hope you have the guts to admit defeat when the time comes,
because you’re defeat will come. You try to enslave Neopia, the species of Grundos,
blow up the world and mess with the awesome Space Faerie. You just have it coming
to you, Slothy. What goes around comes around, and you’re about to get it hard.
It’s getting down to the end of the game, Sloth, and I am up at the plate. Trust
me, I always hit homeruns. Can you strike me out? I highly doubt it, because
nobody strikes me out!
Dear Roxy: I’m a Baby Lupe with a dad who is always snoring! My mom
and I keep telling him ideas for him to cure his snoring, but he won’t listen.
What should I do? I can’t sleep with the sounds of snoring coming from down
the hall. -Up Twenty-Four Hours
Dear Up Twenty-Four Hours: Fathers can be quite stubborn and I don’t
think that he’ll try a cure for a problem until he admits he has a problem.
Let me tell you, snoring is definitely a problem. My brother’s petpet, Darker,
snores all the time and it is horrible. I simply just shut my door and bury
myself my Pretty Pink Pillows to drown out the sound or I decide to come to
the Neopian Times Offices and spend the night, like I am doing tonight. Darker
is snoring extra loud this evening. I suggest to Oke that we have Darker sleep
outside but he was afraid that neighbors would complain. How a Kougra with that
big of ears sleeps through Darker’s snoring, I’ll never know. I hope you get
some sleep soon. -Roxy
What do you get when you cross a fat Weewoo with Chet Flash, a roll of toilet
paper, and a Gelert? -Mr. Black
Dear Mr. Black: You get one huge mess and an inside joke. -Roxy
Dear Roxy: How did the feud with Sloth-Man start? -An Inquiring
Dear An Inquiring Grundo: The day I was born. I wish I could say the
day Slothy was born, but he’s so old that Tyrannia is high-tech compared to
when he was a toddler. Besides, he spilled a pitcher of Strawberry Lemonade
on my brand new black dress. No one ruins one of my outfits and gets away with
Is it you who puts the alias at the bottom of the letters asking for advice,
or is it the person that needs advice? -Unsigned
Most of the time the people who send me the letters make up their own aliases,
but when some people leave their letters unsigned instead of responding to them
as unsigned I create an alias for them. If I called everyone unsigned I would
have way too many in this letter. Congratulations on being the first and only
Unsigned in my articles.
How can you stand the stress of receiving so many advice letters and questions,
and even insults **GASP** everyday? It has to be crazy!
-A Loving Fan
Dear A Loving Fan: I guess I just handle stress really well, unlike
Slothy. He has at least twenty of those little stress balls in his desk. He
always squeezes them too hard and they end up breaking, he must go through at
least two a day. I feel kind of bad for him that he can’t handle the stress
of competing against a Shoyru like me. What can I say? I am a handful. -Roxy
Dear Roxy: Is it true that Dr. Sloth sent you a Valentine’s Day card?
-An Envious Red Shoyru
Dear An Envious Red Shoyru: How did you know about that? Slothy did
send me a card, I am just a little worried it wasn’t covered with some disease,
curse or itching powder. So far nothing bad has happened, but I highly doubt
that he sent that card without an alternative motive. -Roxy
You told us last article about your brothers and sisters, but I want to know
about the rest of your family. -Rainbow
Dear Rainbow: First of all, there is my petpet, an Angelpuss named
Troxy. She’s helped out with my articles a couple of times. She’s like a demon
and completely out of control. She is dramatic, selfish, bossy, angry, and hates
fashion. It’s amazing how she is my petpet, I don’t see her much at the house.
She spends her time with a friend named Frank. I heard his occupation was a
briefs salesman. Random, I know. Then, there is Lady Lazzie; only the sweetest
Snarhook alive. She belongs to my sister Queenie and loves to go to the Battledome
with her. My brother Kudio’s petpet is Merlin. The Blue Doglefox helps my wizard
brother brew potions, he has an uncanny ability to fetch almost any ingredient
from an eye of Mortog to the nose hair of a bank robber. Last but not least
is Darker, the Mutant Puppyblew, and Oke’s friend. Sadly, one of Oke’s only
friends. They really relate to each other because their outsides might not be
as beautiful as their insides. Darker is the grand snorer of the family. He
snores like no other petpet or Neopet I know. The last member of our family
is Roxycaligirl101. She’s very energetic, friendly, and feisty. She loves to
throw her world famous parties and write for The Neopian Times. She isn’t as
good of a writer as me, but she’s learning. That’s all of my immediate family,
we’ll save extended family until next week. That is if you really want to know.
I have two problems. One: I need fashion advice. Blue and white combination
or blue and pink?
-Mystery Island Coconut
Dear Mystery Island Coconut:
Blue and white, this summer is all about them. -Roxy
What is Tuesday? -An Actor From Terror Mountain
Dear An Actor From Terror Mountain:
Tuesday is a day of the week between Monday and Wednesday. It’s not as good
as Saturday, Sunday or Friday but not worse than Monday. -Roxy
Where did you get the idea of giving advice in the Neopian Times? -Just
Dear Just Wondering: I am not really sure. I like giving advice and
I noticed that The Neopian Times didn’t have an advice column. All great newspapers
have advice columns and I knew that The Neopian Times deserved an advice column,
too. I rounded up a bunch of letters from my friends and wrote my first article.
The Editor of the Neopian Times liked and asked me to come for an interview
and I was hired. I was the first ever advice columnist ever for the Neopian
Times, Slothy was second. He comes in second at a lot of things, especially
against me. -Roxy
We need your help. Our spaceship sent to Kreludor is malfunctioning. From the
radio message, we suspect Dr. Sloth had something to do with it, and we need
your brain to help our ship.
Can you solve this math problem?
if E + D > 592
if D -Official Neopian Space Team
Dear “Official” Neopian Space Team: Nice try, but you need to do your
own math homework. I know for a fact that Slothy would never use the variable
A. If he wanted you to solve for an unknown it would be X. Once again, nice
try, but getting someone else to do your homework only hurts you. -Roxy
What’s your favorite game?
Dear Happy Guy: Splat-A-Sloth for obvious reasons. -Roxy
Dear Miss Roxy:
You write very well. Do you have a contract with the Neopian Times? I know
there is an opening at the Meridellian Register, if you're interested.
I await your reply. -Mr. Fish Head, Restaurant columnist for The Meridellian
Dear Mr. Fish Head: Thank you for your kind offer, but I am loyal
to the Neopian Times. I am sorry, but there is no possible way I could ever
leave the wonderful friends and editor that I have met here. Sorry. Best wishes
to you and your literary career. -Roxy
To submit your question/problem to be answered by Roxy, simply send a Neomail
to roxycaligirl101. All messages must be appropriate with proper spelling and
grammar. Please put the subject as "Dear Roxy." Inappropriate, tasteless, and
repeated messages will be deleted, so please don’t waste your and my time. Please
don't send problems that have already been solved by Roxy. Due to an overwhelming
amount of messages, Roxy cannot answer all the messages. All messages are subjected
to editing and can be published. So don't submit something if you don't want
to see it in the Neopian Times.
Author’s Note: I wrote this article on my birthday. Happy birthday to me!
I’d like to thank everyone for their love and support that made my birthday
and this Dear Roxy extra magical. May the Borovan be with you.