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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 8th day of Running, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 138 > Articles > Subsititute Neohomes for the Cheap and Dispicable

Subsititute Neohomes for the Cheap and Dispicable

by doogofdoom

A SUBURBAN NEONEIGHBOURHOOD - Have you ever complained about the prices and quality of Neohomes? Or do you just like to cheat authorities? If option two applies, shame on you, that's morally wrong! However, if you don't necessarily want to cheat but can't afford a home, welcome to the world of the dishonest, friend.

The following is a guide to not only snatching free or cheap homes, but snatching good-quality ones, too. So enjoy the informativeness and slight insanity contained in this article - because who knows, it just could help you find a dwelling that doesn't involve wasted Neopoints, or looking up at the stars wondering where the moon is. We all know the moon will appear someday -- if, that is, the Neogods aren't distracted or busy like they usually are... *ahem* Anyway, on with the show.

HOUSE TYPE ONE: A Roomy Cave

To live in such a wonderfully frightening world of darkness as this, you'll need to do three things. The first is to prepare your strongest pet for battle, the second is to purchase a bag of Chia Flour and some candles, and the third is to get me a Neocola (hey, after all this hard work, don't I deserve at least some recognition?). After striving to complete these goals, you must venture to the Tyrannian Plateau with your well-armoured pet and the Chia Flour, and sneak into Lair of the Beast. Once you enter the darkness of the hole at the end of the cave, wildly throw Chia Flour everywhere and you'll see that the "Beast" has transformed into a tiny Chia. Conquer its puny body, and you'll have the blackness all to yourself. Peace and quiet at last.

PROS: No one will ever bother you in this chilling series of tunnels.

CONS: However, the shadows might get to you, too, after a while.

HOUSE TYPE TWO: A Dung Fort

Firstly, buy as much dung as possible; a thousand piles should do. For a more cost-effective method of getting the grossness of your dreams, visit the Meridell Rubbish Dump or feed a Skeith a lot of corn and encourage him not to flush when he does his business. Now you're ready to construct a turd-ific house, free of charge! Just don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.

PROS: Perfect for pun-loving folks.

CONS: If people hold their nose up inside this beauty, it's not because they're snobby.

HOUSE TYPE THREE: The Big Jelly

All you have to do for the supplies is to steal all the jelly from the Giant Jelly. If the guard complains, that's a good sign he wants you to throw Chia Flour at him. You can now create the perfect jelly-lovers' habitat! Note: It has been brought to my attention that there's no such thing as Jellyworld or the Giant Jelly, but seeing how I'm too lazy to delete this section, I won't. Ha ha, joke's on you!

PROS: Never be hungry again!

CONS: Where do you get the materials needed now?

HOUSE TYPE FOUR: Invisible Fortress

Everyone’s heard of the Hidden Tower, right? But did you know that it’s not just where the Faerie Queen works, but her home as well? That’s right; I figured it out all by myself. I’m the best... *ahem* But seriously, I think the poor Queen needs some help with her work -- and what better person to help out than me! Uh, I mean you... yeah, you. For payment, she’ll surely let you live right there, in her grand tower, with (hopefully) a bit of pocket-change on the side. It’s the perfect lifestyle -- and why wouldn’t it be? I thought of it, after all.

PROS: Maybe you can swipe a Royal Paintbrush when her back’s turned.

CONS: A bit hard -- if not impossible -- to find.

HOUSE TYPE FIVE: Majestic Mountain

All right, so you’ve lived in a spooky cave and an aroma-licious dung dwelling, ate all of your Jelly adobe, and worked in the prestigious Hidden Tower for the Faerie Queen herself. What if you’re still not satisfied? What if it’s all too easy? Well, here’s a real challenge for you: swim out to Mystery Island and chisel an opening into the Techo Mountain. This may sound easy as Asparagus Pie, but I assure you; it’s definitely not all it’s cracked up to be. (Get it? Cracked? Hahaha... no.) Once you’ve broken the rock that’s hard as... well, itself, climb in to the huge cavern inside and get cozy!

PROS: Probably the coolest place to live, besides the Hidden Tower.

CONS: Let’s just hope that volcano next door never erupts...

HOUSE TYPE SIX: “Cool” Lodgings

You know what infuriates me? Ever since the murder mystery in the Terror Mountain Ski Lodge, the humongous pad has been vacant. There are rumors of it being haunted, but I strongly believe that ghosts don’t exist! If you agree with me (which you should, seeing as I’m always right), why not try living in this polar palace? It comes with eight huge rooms and a pool. What more could you want? And since no one wants it, you most likely won’t have to pay a single Neopoint!

PROS: Are you kidding? This place is a mansion!

CONS: If there really are paranormal presences in the house, be prepared to be harassed by dead staff members of The Neopets Team.

Well, there you have it; a comprehensive guide to cheating out of buying a Neohome. Now, if you really want to live the good life, you might want to get some furniture. Just a thought. No? You’re happy sleeping on the floor? Might not be such a good idea for the dung home, but other than that, you’re set.

Well, until next time, this is doogofdoom signing off from her Dung Palace. I would stay longer, but my adorable Mynci was just dared to eat the wall. Gross...

Note: This article was meant to be humourous. If you get killed by the Beast or smell terrible from your new dung house, I didn’t do it. Remember that. Neomail doogofdoom if you have any comments - and PLEASE remember not to eat asparagus. After all, if Adam jumped off a bridge, would you?


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