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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 17th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 127 > Articles > Lifestyles Of The Affluent And Illustrious: Lord Darigan

Lifestyles Of The Affluent And Illustrious: Lord Darigan

by matterbug_adoption

Authors Note: I'm Matterbug (or Matt), on behalf of the NTAG, to interview Lord Darigan, a household name. I had taken my pets (Xelfina, SlyBongo (Bongo), and Matterbugs_helper (MH), with me, which had proven to be a very bad idea. Also, note that it is very hard to find an "evil" creature. You'll see what I mean.

Matt, a vibrant owner, walked over to his backyard, which was made entirely of dung playground equipment. He hiked over to his pets and said, "Well guys, we have a new job. Tdyans needs us to interview Lord Darigan."

Xelfina, a young and vibrant Island Scorchio, gasped and asked, "You don't mean the ugly Darigan that stole the orb, do you? He's scary."

Bongo, a teasing Mutant Scorchio, said, "Do you know another Darigan, silly?"

Xelfina looked embarrassed and started to blush. "That's not nice! I'm going to tell Matt!" She ran over to her owner, which was nothing new for her.

Matt sighed and looked at them sternly. "Would you two stop it? Just stay away from each other! This is important, now let's go."

MH, a friendly but geeky Yellow Buzz, looked very scared, and asked, "What if he incarcerates us, and I never see my Kacheekers set again. That would be appalling."

Matt looked at MH, and said, "Oh, don't worry about that. I don't think he's THAT mean. And just in case I'll hide a dung sword in my pocket." After all of their talking, they started walking and soon arrived in Meridell. They looked around, but realized they didn't know what to do next.

Matt thought about it for a minute, but still could not think of what to do. He put on his dung cap, and suddenly came up with an answer. "I got it! Why don't we look for the floating citadel? Darigan should be there.

Xelfina look confused and asked, "What's a citadel?"

MH stared at her, as this was such an easy question. "Why a bastion of course! What kind of question is that?"

Xelfina still looked puzzled, "Uh, what the heck is a bastion? Isn't that a channel on a radio?"

Matt said, "No, that's a station. A bastion and a citadel are a castle. Darigan lives in one."

Xelfina beamed, "You mean the place where Princess Usuki lives? Yippity Skipity!"

Bongo growled, "No one wants to hear about your Usukis, 'specially me. So just be quiet.

MH stuck out his tongue. "Me either! That breaks the statement of girls + boys= yuck. I won't stand for it!"

Matt got angry and yelled, "Okay, Okay, just STOP fighting. Now let's go."

They found a path that led around Meridell and to the citadel. When they arrived they found two odd looking guards. There was a fat one, Guard 1, and a skinny one, Guard 2.

Guard 1 looked up from his book, "How to Diet With Asparagus", and shouted, "Halt! Who goes there?"

Guard 2 looked excited and said, "Yeah, yeah, HALT! You know the password?"

Guard 1 looked like he was going to punch the other, and said, "There is no password you numbskull. Shut up."

Guard 2 looked embarrassed. "I know, but it is fun to say. I feel like James Quiggle 007."

Guard 1 said, "NO ONE is allowed in the citadel. So why do you even try to let them in?"

Guard 2 smiled. "Because it's fun. You should try it!"

Guard 1 yelled, "I don't want to try it! Why did they put me with you?

Guard 2 seemed to know the answer. "Because I rock your socks?"

"Be quiet!!"

The guards turned around to talk to their visitors. Guard 1 had a great speech planned, but there was only one problem. There was no one there. He sighed and went back to his book. This happened a lot.

Matt was walking down a long corridor. He spotted some guards, but he threw some dung in their general direction. They, being just like the other guards, immediately wanted to see what this substance was and paid no attention to any visitors. Matt said, "Well, that was easy, wasn't? Now we just have to find Darigan."

MH did some brainwork and stated, "Well, he should be at 55°N and 87°S."

Matt pulled out a map, and found the spot. His eyes grew wide. "Uh, that's the bathroom. Heh, I guess I can have a resupply of dung." Xelfina stuck out her tongue. "Eww, we'll see him on the toiley woiley.

Bongo yelled, "It's a TOILET, fool."

MH growled, "Look who's talking! You're dense."

Bongo got angry and shouted, "Am NOT. I can float!"

Matt said, "I'm talking about your intelligence. Though I'm sure you don't understand that word."

Bongo looked embarrassed. "I do too know what intelligence means! I got it!"

MH said, "So, what's 8+8 if you're so smart?"

Bongo looked around for help. "785?"

MH laughed and said, "You're even stupider than I thought! It's 16, the most basic calculation around."

Bongo looked down. "Oh."

Matt stated, "Alright guys, can we please just go look for the bathroom?"

They walked around, and Matt had his dung in hand. They found the right place, but there was a guard posted at the door. We'll call him Guard 3.

Guard 3 looked surprised. "Holy Dung! How did you get in here?"

Bongo said, "Well, we walked, DUH!"

Guard 3 looked mad, "Well, no one is supposed to be allowed in here." The guard radioed to the two guards at the gates. "Hello, Hello. How did an owner and three pets get in the fortress?"

Guard 2 yelled back into the radio, "They walked. Copy?"

Guard 1 said, "No, you fool. He's asking how they got past us."

Guard 2 looked embarrassed. "Oh." Then he remembered something he forgot. "Whoops, oh, COPY."

Guard 3 ran down the hall, to yell at the other guards. He completely forgot about the four.

MH smiled and said, "Well that was quite unproblematic. We seem to have won the struggle!"

Bongo looked like he was going to punch MH, and said, "Stop using such big words!"

Matt sighed, "We have to interview Darigan. That is our whole point, remember?"

They looked around for any straggling guards and knocked on the door.

A voice from inside shouted, "Can't you tell I'm busy. Who are you and what do you want?"

Matt said, "My name is Matt, and I have come for an interview."

The voice said, "Why?"

Matt replied, "The NTAG asked us to."

The voice said, "NTAG… is that the guild Stoneman3x is in?

Matt answered, "Yes. I believe so."

The voice said, "I just love that guy!" Then a laugh came from inside. "Sorry, I just couldn't say that with a straight face." The door opened and out walked Lord Darigan.

Xelfina jumped up, and shouted, "AHHHHH."

Bongo though, which was unusual for him, for a comeback. After five minutes, he came up with one. "I didn't know it Halloween, that's a scary costume!"

Darigan sighed and said, "Ahem. I happen be the great Darigan, the real Darigan. Not a petty fool. And I will grant you an interview, only because I smell the scent of dung."

Matt looked very happy and said, "Yes, dung is my favorite!"

Darigan looked around, "That's great, but how did you get past my guards?"

MH smiled and said, "I dare say that wasn't dreadfully hard.

Darigan looked mad, and said, "Ah, I see. Well, let's go to my secret room for the interview."

They walked down a hallway until they came to a door. Darigan got out some keys, unlocked it, and then said the password, "Dungalicious." There was a room, and a large table. Matt and Darigan sat down and the pets sat outside. The interview began.

Matt: So you like dung?

Darigan: Yes, I love the smell. And it's fun to throw at my guards.

Matt: Ah, yes. I know what you mean. So, what's it like getting the orb back?

Darigan: Umm… it WAS great.

Matt: What do you mean? Don't you still have it?

Darigan: Don't you read the news?

Matt: I guess I haven't read it for a while… I've been reading the Dung Daily.

MH suddenly burst in the room.

Darigan looked confused and said, "How did you get in? This place has passwords and locks!

MH said, "I'm not dim-witted."

Darigan figured he wouldn't ask. Then he said, "Well what do you want?"

MH stated, "I wanted to tell Matt that you were believed to have blown up and so did the sphere."

Darigan said, "How did you find out about that?"

MH smiled, "By evaluating back issues of the news. It's great fun."

Darigan was going to ask where MH got the newspapers, but decided against it. "Well, I was just telling you owner about this. So, please leave."

MH left the room, and the interview resumed.

Matt: How could you have blown up?

Darigan: It's all a matter of the eye my friend. Don't believe what you see.

Matt: But what about the orb?

Darigan: Well, that dumb king sent some of his army to steal the orb. I guess it backfired. Now there is no orb. Stupid fools.

Matt: Well, let's just skip those series of questions then. So, you like dun-No wait, I asked that one. What is your family like?

Darigan: They are great people. My brother has already taken over the Space Station. My mother has taken over my father, and my father has taken over me.

Matt: Uh, that's great. How do you like this citadel?

Darigan: It's great, and it's very roomy. Do you like what I did with the ceiling?

Matt: Yes, the black is stunning.

Darigan: I had my slaves do that.

Matt: Ah, I see. How old are you, if I may ask?

Darigan: 21.

Matt: Right…

Darigan: Yeah, people tell me I look good for my age, or else um, there's a little accident, if you know what I mean.

A buzz went off in the background.

Darigan: Oh, that's my dung pie. I have to go. Thanks for coming, and don't share this information with anyone.

Matt: But this is an interview! To be published…

Darigan: So? I said don't publish it, so you better not! Or there will be consequences!

Authors Note: And that ends my interview with Darigan. This lead to the firing of many guards, and the author hiding for his life. Please send anything you want to him through Neomail, but make sure no one is tracking you. Thanks to my guild, the NTAG (shameless advertising), for the idea. Come visit us!

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