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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 17th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 127 > Articles > Alternate Remedies

Alternate Remedies

by missjessiegirl

PET CENTRAL - Now, I know many of you Neopian Times readers (you're all Neopian Times readers or you wouldn't be reading this article), when your pet becomes ill, you hightail it to the Pharmacy and pounce on the medicine that Dr. Gelert prescribed, and you're done with it. Quite simple if your pet has a cheap and easy to cure illness, like Fuzzitus. But if your pet is staggering from Achy Head, it's not likely you'll be able to even find any Magic Goop, let alone have the money to buy it. (unless you're a Neopets millionaire, but the chances of that are slim)

Of course, there's always the Healing Springs to try. But after trying for the 99th time and getting 3 HP worth of healing again and again and again, you're probably going to abandon that source of medicine. And all this time, your pet will have been suffering from the dreaded effects of a rare and quite often painful disease.

That's where I come in! For absolutely no cost but my sanity, I am writing this article of alternative remedies to the traditional medicine you have always used. Just follow them and you might wind up with a completely healthy pet for half the cost or less! Note the word MIGHT.

Warning: These remedies probably won't help in the least, and there's a chance that the items used might cost more then the actual medicine.

Disease: Neogitus
Traditional Medicine: Medicinal Toothbrush

For the curing of Neogitus, you first obtain a small bucket and fill it with ice cubes. Wait for the ice to melt into ice water, then take a pot of cold Mint Tea and mix it into the ice water. If your pet doesn't like Mint Tea, use Strongberry Tea instead. Take the empty tea cup and have your pet drink the liquid a cupful at a time at 5 minute intervals. The freezing drink will deflate your pet's swollen gums, clear up the sore throat that often occurs as a side effect of Neogitus, and taste good. At least, I hope so, otherwise I'm going to have to change my identity and live as a Meridell hermit.

Disease: Bloaty Belly
Traditional Medicine: Flat-u-less Tablets

To heal a Bloaty Belly, first journey to The Lost Desert and learn the art of massage. Then massage your pet's belly while having it drink a glass of Neocola every hour, on the hour. The gas in your pet's belly will be burped out after 10 hours of massage... hopefully...

Disease: Fuzzitus
Traditional Medicine: Fluff Be Gone

Fuzzitus is relatively easy to cure, with either traditional medicine or alternative remedies. For this illness, simply buy some Shampoo and a Kougra Scratching Comb. Shampoo your pet thoroughly, then when it's dry, pick out with the comb any fluff that hasn't been washed out by the bath. Easy as that, if this actually works.

Disease: Achy Head
Traditional Medicine: Magic Goop

Agh, the dreaded Achy Head. The traditional medicine's price has skyrocketed over the years, and it was never really cheap to start with. So my remedy is worth a try (I suppose). First, go out to the nearest Spooky Food store and purchase a one-scoop cone of Brain Ice Cream. Then grab a bucket and fill it with freezing cold water. Have your pet wolf down the ice cream as fast as it can. Then, as it finishes the last drop of ice cream, snatch the cone and instead pour the bucket of ice water down your pet's throat. Immediately, your pet will fall to it's knees with the worst case of brain freeze in Neopian history. Place your pet's head inside a bowl of Flaming Hot Chilli. Then run far, far away. Either your pet's head will explode, or it'll be cured. I'm not really sure which, I got kicked out of medical school. (Don't ask, you don't want to know).

Disease: Shock -A- Lots
Traditional Medicine: Ultra Rubber Gloves

To rid your pet of electric jolts (often induced by chewing on phone cords), the first step is to buy a Royal Oak Wood Cabinet. Fill the cabinet with Rubber Ducks. Then stuff your pet inside the cabinet, lock the door, and wait for an hour (feel free to occupy yourself with snacks during this time). After an hour, open the cabinet. Since neither wood nor rubber duckies can conduct electricity, all the volts inside your pet will have exploded into very lovely fireworks inside the cabinet and be gone forever! (Of course, your pet might turn into a firework, too...)

Disease: Watery Eyes
Traditional Medicine: Onion Balm

Now, we can't have your pet looking like it's crying for all eternity, can we? Let me see what I can do. First, I suppose you tie an Onion onto your pet's nose. For the first two hours or so, your pet's weeping will increase to an insanely high level, and then your pet's tear ducts will simply implode in upon themselves. Of course, your pet can never cry again after that, but no one can say you never tried!

Disease: NeoBlues
Traditional Medicine: Tasty Pie

The process for cheering up your down-in-the-duldrums pet has a very simple concept. The first thing to do is purchase several Bags of Sugar, five Happy Neggs, and an extra-freakishly-large size cup of Coffee. Then have your Neopet wolf down first the Neggs, then immediately after that the Sugar, and finally the Coffee. (If the pet is so affected by the disease that it refuses to eat, you may have to resort to threatening it with a force-fed bowl of Spinach for dinner). As soon as it gulps down the last dregs of Coffee, I suggest you hide. Hide for a a good hour. After an hour has passed, it should be safe to come out. Your pet will be lying exhausted somewhere in your house, and you should put it to bed. With luck (okay, a miracle), it'll wake up happy. Warning: This remedy should not be attempted by anyone who has any breakable furniture in their Neohome. Or Petpets.

Disease: Floppy Tongue
Traditional Medicine: Tongue Shrinker

Much as with Swollen Gums, this cure relies on the power of freezing. You're really going to need your pet to cooperate for this one. (I personally recommend bribing it). Before you do anything else, book a cottage in Terror Mountain for, at the minimum, 1 day. Once you and your pet are on the icy mountain, have your pet lie down in a position that it'll be comfortable in, for this alternate remedy will take awhile (perhaps you should also bring a cushion). Then stretch it's tongue to maximum length and place as much of the tongue as you can in a Pitcher of Water. Do NOT allow your pet to retract it's tongue for any reason. That means no talking, praise Fyora! As soon as the water has frozen and been that way for, at the minimum, three hours, break the ice open with a MIGHTY-ROBO HAMMER!!! Or just a brick. Yeah, a brick might work. Your pet's tongue might have deflated, or it might have swollen up into a hideous, unrecognizable blob. Take note the author will not take responsibility if that happens, DON'T HURT ME!

Disease: Cricky Neck
Traditional Medicine: Neck Brace

This attempt to heal your pet will be messy... VERY messy (and possibly painful.) Begin with buying a platter of Gooseberry Jelly, and remove the prickly thing in the middle. (I still don't know if that's edible and I don't want to find out). Very gently, massage the jelly into your pet's neck, until the skin is soft and workable. Then, increase the power of your massaging. If you hear bones creaking, do not be alarmed. Cease massaging as soon as your pet can move it's head and neck again (or when your hands get all pruny from the jelly). Then you might want to give your pet a bath, it's got jelly all over its shoulders!

Well, this doctor is checking out of the clinic for this week's issue. Look for my next Alternate Remedies article, which will contain more interesting and... creative ways of healing your pet. Until then, I'm going to go wash the jelly off my hands.

Disclaimer: The author shall not be held responsible for any of these remedies that do not succeed, and is not willing to pay fines in Rubber Duckies. THE DUCKIES ARE MINE!

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