The Useless, the Useful, and the Just Plain Bizarre
INVENTORY - Throughout Neopia, there are marvellous, mind-boggling inventions
that make our lives greatly easier. And then there are some not-so-marvellous,
not-so-mind-boggling inventions that are completely and utterly useless. And
it is to the latter that this article is dedicated to. This article also explores
the rather long-winded and tricky area of seeming-useless-but-actually-very-handy-and-useful
items, and of course, the whacky ones, which undoubtedly do something useful
(I just can’t figure out what that “something” is exactly).
Dung: I know, I know. Dozens of articles have been written about it, but I
figured that no self-respecting article (don’t ask me how exactly an article
can respect itself) wouldn’t include a mention of this gloriously stinky substance.
You can hurl it, garden with it, cook with it, sculpt it, build furniture with
it, and collect it!
Bottles of Sand: Well, articles have been written about this subject too, albeit
less than articles written about dung, but my articles hate being left out,
so I included this magnificently sandy substance anyway! Like dung, you can
collect all types of sand! Kadoatie litter, fertiliser, art…the list of potential
uses is endless!
Yellow Growths: I know these seem a little, uh, yellow and growth-like, but
actually, they’re quite, um, yellow and growth-like. But don’t let that put
you off! I, for one, know that these make great cheap alternatives to pineapples
(although they’ll never have quite the same charm, I admit). You can also produce
this stuff yourself! Just wear a pair of socks for three months, and voila!
All you need to do is poke around between your toes and a veritable goldmine
of Yellow Growths is to be had! In the extremely unlikely case in which you
don’t find any, you’ll probably find some toe lint instead- which, as everyone
knows, goes great with Grundo toes -- yum!
Asparagus: Well, you sure can’t eat it -- after all, the price tag DOES say
that asparagus is ‘truly the food of the gods’. And you wouldn’t want to make
the gods angry by eating their food, would you? However, the tag says nothing
about Asparagus being the WEAPONS of the gods. So feel free to use them as swords,
daggers, nun-chucks, and rotten projectiles in the Battledome!
Neopian Times Issue Three: Considering you can’t actually read it, you may
think this roll of newspaper is pretty useless. However, you can do any number
of things with it! Why not train your Warf or Doglefox to fetch with it? Whack,
uh, I meant ‘lightly tap’, your troublesome younger sibling with it! Heck, why
not go wild, and make newspaper hats! If you’re feeling a little chilly, simply
chuck a Neopian Times Issue Three in the Fireplace! (Note: You may actually
have to set The Neopian Times Issue Three alight first in order to obtain warmth
Piles Of Sludge: The handy alternative for the Neopian who’s too poor to even
afford Dung! Just as smelly, but not as squishy!
The Pathetically Useless…
Neoschool Items: A while ago, everyone was running about drooling like Florg
at a Petpet Conservation Park, eagerly anticipating the upcoming Neoschools,
and, naturally enough, grabbing backpacks, pencils, and other handy school supplies
faster than Florg devours Petpets at a Petpet Conservation Park. Then, we waited.
And waited. And waited. More and more Neoschool items came out, as well as more
information about what the school would be like, and even Neopedia articles
about the Neoschool teachers! But Neopian educational institutions are nowhere
to be seen, even to this day (unless you count the Potato Counting Stand in
Meridell -l- not only does it teaches basic mathematics, it also teaches… um…
other stuff which this pea-brained writer unfortunately doesn’t know about).
And so, those handy Quiggle Scissors, delightful Bendy Yellow pencils, elegant
Fire Faerie Pens, and, um, purple Chia-like Purple Chia Pencil Cases, have gone
to waste, sitting in our inventories gathering proverbial dust (which is the
worst kind of dust, let me tell you) and becoming no more than redundant knickknacks.
Well, not quite redundant -- because for something to become redundant, it actually
has to be used first.
The NTV company: Why is this company useless? Let me think -- oh yeah, that’s
right, it’s because NEOPIA HAS NO TELEVISION SETS!
Pickled Olives: Ah, tasty pickled Olives -- you know, I reckon they would be
really, really tasty. If the jar could be opened in the first place! Oh well,
I guess we’ll never know. Which is probably a good thing, considering how long
those olives have been stewing in that murky liquid…
Tiki Tack Key rings- Unlike the normal key rings, which at least have a use
as a toy (though how a Neopet would find a key ring fun to play with is beyond
my severely limited mind), Tiki Tack Key Rings are completely useless. Why?
Hmmmm… the fact that keys don’t exist in Neopia might have something to do with
it. For that matter, locks don’t exist in Neopia either.
The Just Plain Bizarre…
Bluescorchio104: Weird, freaky, semi-intelligent being. Reputedly obsessed
with radioactive tap-dancing pineapples with optional drink holders, and well-known
for ranting, raving, and balancing rubber ducks on his head. Wanted by authorities
on several continents for suspicious behaviour in relation to invisible dancing
purple monkeys and five different types of cheese. May have kind of use in relation
to newspapers- most probably has some kind of aptitude for making newspaper
And so this article comes to an end. Just as well, since now most of you will
probably be rushing off to make newspaper hats. There’s one last thing this
particular writer wants to say, before this article becomes one of those pathetically
useless items I have mentioned: knickknack, knickknack, knicky-knacky-noo!
*Bluescorchio104 is seen running into the sunset laughing manically, before
accidentally burning himself in the sunset when he literally runs into it.*