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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 15th day of Sleeping, Yr 23
The Neopian Times Week 113 > Articles > The Lesser Evils Of Neopia

The Lesser Evils Of Neopia

by bluescorchio104

You know that they’re lurking everywhere. Waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce in your moment of weakness. And no, I’m not talking about those ‘well-meaning’ grandmothers who keep pinching your cheeks, or annoying siblings. I’m talking about the classic meanies of Neopia. Meuka, the Monocerous, the Shadow Usul- the list is endless. Well, actually, the list is around half a page long. But that’s not the point. The point is, most Neopians will know immediately who (or what) I’m talking about when I start talking about mindless evil, world domination, malicious villains- you know, the usual.

But is that good thing? Sure, now we’re aware of mucus-covered Meercas with chompers bigger than a Mumbo Pango’s false teeth, but in endlessly looking out for these obvious dangers, have we let our guard down to the presence of more subtle evils? By subtle, I mean ‘not enslaving you, ripping your head off, stealing your pineapples, or all of the above’. I mean the little things, the very things we aren’t on the lookout for, and are therefore most vulnerable to. These might very well be just as dangerous as the villains in the Gallery Of Evil, but just aren’t in the Neopian spotlight. Sure, some of these subtle evils might not take a limb off (yet), but they would if they could. It’s the thought that counts, remember?

Culprit No. 1: The Chia Clown.

Just because this clown smiles, doesn’t mean that it’s happy. If you look closely, you can tell that he’s snarling, not smiling. Sure, you may think that you’re nice and safe back in Neopia Central or Mystery Island, since this evil entertainer resides in the Deserted Fairground, but will this always be the case? How can we be sure he doesn’t break out, and rampage through Neopia, invading NeoHomes like your own? How would you like it, if this funny fiend burst into your NeoHome, and threw a dastardly cream pie directly at your Cream Rug, thus irreversibly staining it a different shade of cream?! The horror, the horror!

Culprit No. 2: The Snow Faerie

Have you noticed that this particular Faerie gives out Battledome Weapons as rewards for her quests, including enormously powerful ones, like Dark Battle Ducks? Well, she does. Why would someone want to give away stuff like that. Possibly because they’re pacifists, and feel there is no need for weapons. But, in the spirit of conspiracy which we’ve now stirred up, we’ll ignore that possibility. Instead, we’ll assume it’s because she has some weapon so powerful, so destructive, so scary that she doesn’t need conventional weapons. What could this weapon be? Some type of ultra-destructive pineapple, perhaps? Maybe a really, really large Battle Duck, complete with really, really cool complimentary stickers, and really, really powerful properties? Or even a new type of asparagus so tasty, that Neopians everywhere will do anything, even become her slave, just to get one bite of it?

Well, folks, I wouldn’t put inventing these weapons past her, since she IS a Faerie, you know. Well, maybe not the tasty asparagus- I mean, tasty asparagus? That’s just a little too far-fetched. After all, if asparagus really is “the food of the gods”, why should us ordinary Neopians eat it? Leave that particular vegetable to their rightful owners (the gods), I say.

Culprit No. 3: Nutty, the fifth Turdle Racing contestant

You probably think that this cute little Petpet is capable of nothing more than crawling along and making a few lucky punters very happy. After all, with odds of 9:1, who wouldn’t be happy? If Nutty actually won for once, that is.

But I have my suspicions about this Turdle. For one, his name is Nutty. This signals that he’s obviously more insane than I am, and THAT’S saying something. Second of all, his description says that “This crazy Turdle will do anything he can to run straight for the finish line”. Heck, if he’s that determined, and that willing to do ANYTHING, just to reach some dumb finish line, think of how determined he would be to actually achieve something worthwhile! Like learning how to knit, or, say, world domination.

Thirdly, I feel that this Turdle would feel resentful. Why? Well, for one, his official odds of winning are listed as 9:1. It can’t be great losing all the time. He would naturally resent the other Turdles for winning all the time, while he ends up the loser. Also, his name is unrelated to his fellow racers’ names, or course! After all, all of the Turdles’ names (Stinky, Poopy, Smelly and Squelchy, to be specific) are adjectives describing, uh, to put it nicely, dung. Remember, the game is called Turdle racing. Emphasising the first four letters of that particular word. Nutty would, naturally enough, feel socially isolated from the rest because his name is not an adjective of manure. I mean, the only way dung could be nutty is if… uh, on second thought, let’s not go there. Let’s definitely not go there.

Okay, so my third point isn’t quite valid after all *cringe*, but two out of three ain’t bad, right?

Culprit No. 4: The smugglers from Smugglers Cove.

These guys are obviously armed and dangerous. Let’s not forget that they’re smug as well, since they ARE ‘smug’glers. Not only have they violated some kind of export/import law (which is strange because Neopia doesn’t have any laws), thereby making them smugglers, they smuggle vegetables! Vegetables! Where do you get vegetables? Meri Acres farm, of course!

Think of how they’re contributing to the boredom of those poor Meridell tourist and native Meridell residents, who are woefully deprived of things to count! (Besides potatoes, of course.) Sure, all of those vegetable weapons might have come in just a tad helpful in the Meridell/Darigan war, but now that that is over, we should probably contribute those vegetable towards a more useful cause- like mindless (uh, I mean fun) stacking and counting. If they didn’t selfishly smuggle those vegetables out of Meridell, Neopians could count things like peas and bananas (overlooking the fact that bananas are fruits, not vegetables), instead of just boring ol’ potatoes!

If you ask me, this heinous crime makes smugglers the worst villains of all! Well, that is, after Sloth, the Shadow Usul, the Monocerous, Pant Devil, and countless others… *cough cough*.

Culprit No. 5: The snowbeasts from Grundo Snow Throw.

These guys are angry, powerful, and openly hostile. Not to mention that they obviously need a haircut. How long till they run amok, scaring baby Chias and scaredy-cat writers *cough cough* everywhere? After all, those poor little green Grundos currently holding them back with snowballs are going to slip up eventually. No offence, little green Grundos, but your entire species WAS enslaved by Dr. Sloth. That isn’t exactly what you’d call a vote of confidence in your holding-back-evil-monsters-abilities.

Culprit No. 6: The Tiki Tack Tombola Man

Sure, he gives out stuff -- but its mostly junk, remember. And sure, he may occasionally give out Neopoints- but you could have probably made more money playing games than in the time it took for you to travel all the way to Mystery Island, trek to the Tombola stand, and collect your prize. And let’s not forget that garish Neowaiian shirt. A tragedy if I ever saw one.

And one other thing -- why does he wear that mask all the time? Is it to conceal his real identity? For all we know, he could be Dr. Sloth in disguise. But then again, I doubt Dr. Sloth has enough instant tan to make his skin THAT tanned. After all, the ol’ doctor isn’t what you’d call fashion-conscious. I mean, just look at that haircut! But if Sloth really is the Tiki Tack Tombola Man (for whatever reason), it would explain the garish shirt…

Culprit No. 7: Snargan the Skeith from Double or Nothing

Shady character if I’ve ever seen one. He has access to large sums of money (he IS King Skarl’s treasurer, you know) and seems quite cunning. He’s morally deficient (a nice way of saying ‘EVIL!! EVIL!! EVIL!!’), as can be shown through his shameless extortion of gullible gamblers. Since he’s the Meridell Treasurer, he’s close enough to King Skarl to bump him off without anyone suspecting a thing. It’ll be like King Coltzan all over again. If you asked me, this sneaky Skeith is poised to take over Neopia- or at least part of it.

Okay, readers, now you are fully aware of just some of the lesser evils of Neopia. Now you can be even more paranoid than before! Yay! Whooohooo! Hurray! Etcetera!

Author’s Note: Just to let you weirdos, um, I mean readers, out there, I have nothing against any of the alleged villains or vegetables mentioned in this article. Although I still can’t really accept that Neowaiian shirt being seen as normal. *shakes head in despair* See you next time, readers!

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