The Lesser Evils Of Neopia
You know that they’re lurking everywhere. Waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce
in your moment of weakness. And no, I’m not talking about those ‘well-meaning’
grandmothers who keep pinching your cheeks, or annoying siblings. I’m talking
about the classic meanies of Neopia. Meuka, the Monocerous, the Shadow Usul- the
list is endless. Well, actually, the list is around half a page long. But that’s
not the point. The point is, most Neopians will know immediately who (or what)
I’m talking about when I start talking about mindless evil, world domination,
malicious villains- you know, the usual.
But is that good thing? Sure, now we’re aware of mucus-covered Meercas with
chompers bigger than a Mumbo Pango’s false teeth, but in endlessly looking out
for these obvious dangers, have we let our guard down to the presence of more
subtle evils? By subtle, I mean ‘not enslaving you, ripping your head off, stealing
your pineapples, or all of the above’. I mean the little things, the very things
we aren’t on the lookout for, and are therefore most vulnerable to. These might
very well be just as dangerous as the villains in the Gallery Of Evil, but just
aren’t in the Neopian spotlight. Sure, some of these subtle evils might not
take a limb off (yet), but they would if they could. It’s the thought that counts,
Culprit No. 1: The Chia Clown.
Just because this clown smiles, doesn’t mean that it’s happy. If you look closely,
you can tell that he’s snarling, not smiling. Sure, you may think that you’re
nice and safe back in Neopia Central or Mystery Island, since this evil entertainer
resides in the Deserted Fairground, but will this always be the case? How can
we be sure he doesn’t break out, and rampage through Neopia, invading NeoHomes
like your own? How would you like it, if this funny fiend burst into your NeoHome,
and threw a dastardly cream pie directly at your Cream Rug, thus irreversibly
staining it a different shade of cream?! The horror, the horror!
Culprit No. 2: The Snow Faerie
Have you noticed that this particular Faerie gives out Battledome Weapons as
rewards for her quests, including enormously powerful ones, like Dark Battle
Ducks? Well, she does. Why would someone want to give away stuff like that.
Possibly because they’re pacifists, and feel there is no need for weapons. But,
in the spirit of conspiracy which we’ve now stirred up, we’ll ignore that possibility.
Instead, we’ll assume it’s because she has some weapon so powerful, so destructive,
so scary that she doesn’t need conventional weapons. What could this weapon
be? Some type of ultra-destructive pineapple, perhaps? Maybe a really, really
large Battle Duck, complete with really, really cool complimentary stickers,
and really, really powerful properties? Or even a new type of asparagus so tasty,
that Neopians everywhere will do anything, even become her slave, just to get
one bite of it?
Well, folks, I wouldn’t put inventing these weapons past her, since she IS
a Faerie, you know. Well, maybe not the tasty asparagus- I mean, tasty
asparagus? That’s just a little too far-fetched. After all, if asparagus
really is “the food of the gods”, why should us ordinary Neopians eat it? Leave
that particular vegetable to their rightful owners (the gods), I say.
Culprit No. 3: Nutty, the fifth Turdle Racing contestant
You probably think that this cute little Petpet is capable of nothing more
than crawling along and making a few lucky punters very happy. After all, with
odds of 9:1, who wouldn’t be happy? If Nutty actually won for once, that is.
But I have my suspicions about this Turdle. For one, his name is Nutty. This
signals that he’s obviously more insane than I am, and THAT’S saying something.
Second of all, his description says that “This crazy Turdle will do anything
he can to run straight for the finish line”. Heck, if he’s that determined,
and that willing to do ANYTHING, just to reach some dumb finish line, think
of how determined he would be to actually achieve something worthwhile! Like
learning how to knit, or, say, world domination.
Thirdly, I feel that this Turdle would feel resentful. Why? Well, for one,
his official odds of winning are listed as 9:1. It can’t be great losing all
the time. He would naturally resent the other Turdles for winning all the time,
while he ends up the loser. Also, his name is unrelated to his fellow racers’
names, or course! After all, all of the Turdles’ names (Stinky, Poopy, Smelly
and Squelchy, to be specific) are adjectives describing, uh, to put it nicely,
dung. Remember, the game is called Turdle racing. Emphasising
the first four letters of that particular word. Nutty would, naturally enough,
feel socially isolated from the rest because his name is not an adjective of
manure. I mean, the only way dung could be nutty is if… uh, on second thought,
let’s not go there. Let’s definitely not go there.
Okay, so my third point isn’t quite valid after all *cringe*, but two out of
three ain’t bad, right?
Culprit No. 4: The smugglers from Smugglers Cove.
These guys are obviously armed and dangerous. Let’s not forget that they’re
smug as well, since they ARE ‘smug’glers. Not only have they violated some kind
of export/import law (which is strange because Neopia doesn’t have any laws),
thereby making them smugglers, they smuggle vegetables! Vegetables! Where do
you get vegetables? Meri Acres farm, of course!
Think of how they’re contributing to the boredom of those poor Meridell tourist
and native Meridell residents, who are woefully deprived of things to count!
(Besides potatoes, of course.) Sure, all of those vegetable weapons might have
come in just a tad helpful in the Meridell/Darigan war, but now that that is
over, we should probably contribute those vegetable towards a more useful cause-
like mindless (uh, I mean fun) stacking and counting. If they didn’t selfishly
smuggle those vegetables out of Meridell, Neopians could count things like peas
and bananas (overlooking the fact that bananas are fruits, not vegetables),
instead of just boring ol’ potatoes!
If you ask me, this heinous crime makes smugglers the worst villains of all!
Well, that is, after Sloth, the Shadow Usul, the Monocerous, Pant Devil, and
countless others… *cough cough*.
Culprit No. 5: The snowbeasts from Grundo Snow Throw.
These guys are angry, powerful, and openly hostile. Not to mention that they
obviously need a haircut. How long till they run amok, scaring baby Chias and
scaredy-cat writers *cough cough* everywhere? After all, those poor little green
Grundos currently holding them back with snowballs are going to slip up eventually.
No offence, little green Grundos, but your entire species WAS enslaved by Dr.
Sloth. That isn’t exactly what you’d call a vote of confidence in your holding-back-evil-monsters-abilities.
Culprit No. 6: The Tiki Tack Tombola Man
Sure, he gives out stuff -- but its mostly junk, remember. And sure, he may
occasionally give out Neopoints- but you could have probably made more money
playing games than in the time it took for you to travel all the way to Mystery
Island, trek to the Tombola stand, and collect your prize. And let’s not forget
that garish Neowaiian shirt. A tragedy if I ever saw one.
And one other thing -- why does he wear that mask all the time? Is it to conceal
his real identity? For all we know, he could be Dr. Sloth in disguise. But then
again, I doubt Dr. Sloth has enough instant tan to make his skin THAT tanned.
After all, the ol’ doctor isn’t what you’d call fashion-conscious. I mean, just
look at that haircut! But if Sloth really is the Tiki Tack Tombola Man (for
whatever reason), it would explain the garish shirt…
Culprit No. 7: Snargan the Skeith from Double or Nothing
Shady character if I’ve ever seen one. He has access to large sums of money
(he IS King Skarl’s treasurer, you know) and seems quite cunning. He’s morally
deficient (a nice way of saying ‘EVIL!! EVIL!! EVIL!!’), as can be shown through
his shameless extortion of gullible gamblers. Since he’s the Meridell Treasurer,
he’s close enough to King Skarl to bump him off without anyone suspecting a
thing. It’ll be like King Coltzan all over again. If you asked me, this sneaky
Skeith is poised to take over Neopia- or at least part of it.
Okay, readers, now you are fully aware of just some of the lesser evils of
Neopia. Now you can be even more paranoid than before! Yay! Whooohooo! Hurray!
Author’s Note: Just to let you weirdos, um, I mean readers, out there, I
have nothing against any of the alleged villains or vegetables mentioned in
this article. Although I still can’t really accept that Neowaiian shirt being
seen as normal. *shakes head in despair* See you next time, readers!