DEEP CATACOMBS - So you have almost all the signs and symptoms of being “Addicted
to Neopian Times” listed in Simsman24000’s wonderful series of articles. You
thought that was strangely scary? But did you hear there is a new disease going
around. Yes, after you thought you it was safe to venture into Neopia.
Do you shout from the rooftops, loud and proud “I’m a Neopet or Neopian Times
addict!”. Or do you hide in a corner writing your next Neopian Times article
because you fear to tell or show anyone?
You thought getting the case of the Gimmes was scary, wait until you hear
about this. Exclusive scoop, you heard it first here in The Neopian Times! The
Closet Neopian Syndrome and the Obsessed Neopets Fan Syndrome!
In a survey of people about 48.932 percent of people tested and were determined
with Closet Neopian Syndrome. With a very close result percent, 47.248 of people
tested and were determined with to Obsessed Neopets Fan Syndrome. 3.82 percent
had results too close to determine.
The cure? Don’t be scared, it's nothing a prick of a needle and lots of bed
rest in the Neopian Hospital won’t cure. Don’t have a Kau, man!! You will be
perfectly okay, though his disease isn’t really treatable it won’t harm you.
If it is such a common disease, why hasn’t anyone said anything about it?
Though only discovered, the people of Neopia should be more aware. For the love
of dung, the authorities should be more responsible for telling the people!
Today I’m going to give you the low-down on the newly discovered diseases.
I’m not Al the Chia, but I’m try my best to fake my sudden, unrealistic scientific
(Oops! Can I cut that line out, Ms Editor! hehe)
There are two different types of people prone to these diseases. There is
the Obsessive Fan and there’s the Closet Neopian.
Who which one are you? Or, perhaps you are a bit of both and count as the
3.82 percent of people who are undetermined or too closely matched.
Description of a Obsessive Neopets Fan:
As I said above in the beginning paragraphs, this type of person isn’t scared
to shout from the rooftops their love of Neopets. They love it so much, everyone
they meet and know has to know about their obsession. No shame, liking in Neopets.
Strange Behaviour/Possible Symptoms that may include:
- You starting shivering because of NeoPets withdrawal when NeoPets goes down
for scheduled maintenance.
-Obsessively plastering school folders in Neopet stickers and have started wearing
your set of different Neopet shirts to school.
- Mysteriously you have the pressing need to start drawing Neopet sketches in
your school Art diary. Chia Warhol, anyone?
-For some strange reason you put the words “published electronically” on their
resume without thinking.
-For once, you manage to sweet-talk your English teacher into checking a Neopian
Times submissions you write.
-Feeling the urge to stalk the editor of The Neopian Times for her job. Mwahahaha!
Strange Behaviour (eating):
-Excessive assumption of too many pieces of asparagus, from Neopet Staff idol
Contagious?: -Might lead to brainwashing other family members to start playing
Incubation period: -Forever or until they get bored of NeoPets. But when will
that happen? Once, you play Neopets you are brainwashed for life.
Treatment: -A piece of celery as well as a blend of spices in a special soup.
To kick the mixture “up a notch’ throw in some finely chopped asparagus! Mmm...*drools*
Description of a Closet Neopian:
A Neopets addict that tries to hide their love of Neopets on purpose or unintentionally.
Perhaps, they tried being a Obsessed Neopets fan. But then stopped because they
dread having to answer the same question over and over again “What’s a Neopet?”.
Or they may fear being mocked at High school over having a Neopets notebook.
I don’t know anyone who likes school yard wedgies from the school bully. Oh!
Strange Behaviour/Possible Symptoms that may include:
-A sore throat in which you may accidentally slip the word “Piffle” out into
a conversion when talking to someone. What the Draik, were you thinking?
-Wearing a Neopets shirt but keeping a jumper on covering it up instead of showing
it off. And it is very hot at the moment.
-When writing anything for Neopets you keep it covered from peering eyes, so
no one asks you what’s a ‘Ona or a Candychan?’
-Doodling pictures of Chias in Art by passing them as abstract portraits.
-You start influencing people know you don’t know what Neopets is even though
you would play it 24/7 if you had the chance. And everyone knows that.
-Start coughing up spherical cherries because you can’t hold it any longer not
talking about anything Neopets or Neopian Times related.
-When a friend asks to see your new journal cover, you refuse to because it
has a big picture of a Lenny on it.
-Uncontrollable blushing from accidentally submitting your article “Chicken
Soup for the Lenny” for English. You have been caught! Moo?
Contagious?: Not really. Obsessive fans, if you hang around a Closet Neopian
too much, you may end catching the disease and become of them.
Incubation Period: N/A. You have to let nature do its course.
Treatment: -A slap of reality with a spoonful of sugar.
After reading that, do you think you are more of an Obsessive fan? If yes,
I congrat you for admitting that. Its hard to admitting sometimes to things
people might think they are strange about you.
You probably don’t need to read on.
So if you are stilling reading, I assume you a Closet Neopian. Let me let
you in on a little secret.
I myself am a Closet Neopian. Well Ex-Closet Neopian with now overly expanding
After being on the guild council in a guild over 500 members, countless Neofriend
requests, overflowing Neofriend list and bribes of items to become a Neofriend
you would think I’m a social butterfly. Well in real life, I’m not. So it's
a mystery why I have a full social calendar on NeoPets. I was embarrassed of
my NeoPets obsession in real life. However, it was okay when actually I knew
I was surrounded by my fellow NeoPets addicts such as myself.
Yes, in the past, I have done things like hide for ages under the cover of
my NeoPets notebook, wear my jumper over my NeoPets Shirt, and hide under anything
NeoPets related, and other now trivial (when I look back) things to stop people
from knowing I like NeoPets.
Even though NeoPets was created originally for adults in college, NeoPets
has been stereotyped as “a kiddies game with cutesy little virtual pets to play
with and feed”. Which is not true of course! Lots of teenagers and adults play
I realised I couldn’t hide my obsession anymore. There’s no point why do I
bother hiding something that I enjoyed doing.
I had to come clean that my writing achievements included being published
on NeoPets (now, I know they actually count for my school logbook, which prepares
me for my resume). Also, to have the guts to bring the very few friends I had
into my bedroom to show my once hidden private collection of Neopet Plushies
I have had shipped from America.
But if you insist on being a Closet Neopian even after my ramblings, I suggesting
the following tips may help:
-Deny everything ‘vigorously’ if asked “Do you like NeoPets?”.
- Confide in a close friend and perhaps convince them to play NeoPets, too.
-When drawing or writing something NeoPets related, buy a separate notebook
or exercise book. Don’t use one of your books for schoolwork.
-Drop subtle hints that you like NeoPets to people e.g. drawing Neopets. Someone
might see and ask “Is that a Lupe you are drawing?” Who knows, you may find
another Closet Neopian.
-When playing on computer, have two Internet browser windows open. One on NeoPets
and one on something else so you can close one when someone walks into the room
to see what you are doing on the computer.
As I write this draft at school, I look around and wonder. Who knows, even
one of my high school teachers may be a Closet Neopian? So that's their secret
to taking so long to marking my test papers.
Author’s Note: Pretend you didn’t really see the username on the top of
this article. It is really supposed to say ‘by anonymous’. I’m in an anonymous
101 step program to get off my NeoPets addiction. Step 1, was to tell everyone
I have a problem.