The Nicest Neopian
ROOM OF WHITE PURITY OF HEART AND OTHER MUSHY JUNK - You know, there's been a
lot of stuff on the evil in Neopia. Interviews, interviews, uh, some interviews,
and some articles and stories and such. Heck, maybe even a comic or ten. But the
point is that we KNOW who the most evil creature is, so let's move onto to something
we don't know: who's the nicest. We know the most evil is the Soup Faerie -- she
discourages poor Neopians to make NP by having a cut-off limit on her services.
How evil. But who IS the nicest Neopian? Well, I could tell you, but to be honest,
I don't know. So I guess I could tell you about as well as a pile of dung could.
However, I have an ability a pile of dung doesn't: to go and find out. And if
this pile of dung does have this ability, please don't expose it to any more glowing
I know you're all expecting me to go on a grand quest in search of this answer,
but instead I'm going to be cheap and use my Magic Dual Battle Mirror On The
Wall. So, here goes nothing: Dual Battle Mirror, Dual Battle Mirror, On the
Wall, who is the nicest of them all?
Not you. End of story. Leave me alone -- I have a migraine.
Well then. That was embarrassing. So as you can see my mirror is a bit depressed,
and has some medical problems, but I'm sure it will be working again. Just as
soon as I finish my insanely dumb quest and don't need it anymore. That's how
she works. I only keep her around because her stock predicting skills are so
good -- had me spend all my money on the stock NEGG, and I know it's sure to
skyrocket! I need to check that, in fact...
Well, I guess it's time to get on this quest. No way around it. I figure there's
only ONE place the nicest Neopian would be -- the Money Tree. So let's go check
it out, shall we?
Normally, the Money Tree is looked down upon with disgust and thoughts of
barely grabbing blue sand, but I think it could just be where we'll find our
wonderfully-pure-of-heart-crusader. They're sure to donate stuff all day long,
those with fast connections the poor Neopians. So I
set up my Tent in a Box right by the smiling plant, and watched the names.
Most of the names are just random -- see them once, never again. However,
sometimes someone will go on a big spree and donate tons and tons of worthless
junk. This, however, does not make them the nicest Neopian, just really really
tidy. But I stuck with it, and one name usurped all others: ghosts. However,
when I looked it up, there was NO USER named ghosts. This is very disturbing.
I jot down a list of all possible situations that might've caused ghosts to,
well, ignore the bad pun -- disappear. Haunting, no?
1) It is possible, in theory, that ghosts is using a remote satellite linking
system to transmit NPs from an alternate reality. This is very probable.
2) It is possible, in theory, that ghosts are dead-- er, so to speak?-- and
that his/her/its fortune is being donated piece by piece to the giant brown
and green guy. Unlikely.
3) It is possible, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am completely and totally
off my creaky old rocker, and ghosts is just some weird Pseudonym used to distract
us from the true conspiracy. Nah.
So, which will it be -- one, two, or the thing that comes after two (I had
to save you from the horrible rhyme)? Personally, I think it's number one. I
mean, this ghost person could very well be in another LEVEL of existence all
together. Like one of those aliens off the old Neo Trek episodes-- they're all
energy-a-fied and stuff. But at least, if that's true, we know they'll speak
English. However, if that's true, than they're not in Neopia at all. So they're
disqualified, and therefore we must move on.
Maybe they're the nicest when it comes to NPs, but what about the nicest when
it comes to trophies? Many of you may be thinking Spectre, since you beat him
to get the easiest trophy, Cheat!, but I believe you're wrong. There's someone
that gives out trophies EVERY DAY, and you don't have to do ANYTHING for them!
You can just be browsing the site, and BOOM! A trophy's yours. Sound too good
to be true? It's not: the wonderful person is called the Tax Beast. Such a kind
soul, awarding trophies to random Neopians, making everyone happy. Why, by the
time this fine Neopian's work here is done, every little boy and girl in Neopia
might have their own trophy! It just brings warmth to my heart like a roaring
And economy? Who nicely does the most for the economy? Well, I believe this
is a pretty simple one: Balthazar. He catches those pesky faeries that might
otherwise get, oh, hit by a speeding Pteri! And what does he do with them? He
doesn't just get them out of harms way, but he gives them to Kauvara, who in
turn sells them to restocking Neopians, who in turn sell them to others, who
in turn bless their pets! It's a wonderful cycle, and the faeries just get released
again only to be captured again and sold again. A beautiful economic solution
that both generates NPs for the shop owners, the customers of that shop, and
power for those in the Battledome. And who do we have to thank for this stroke
of raw genius? Why, Balthazar the Bounty Hunter, who has never hunted a bounty
in his life. Keen.
What about teaching us? Who has taught us what the meaning of life is, where
to reach out to, why to try harder? The Esophagor, of course! He goes in disguise
as a wretched beast, hungering for eternal sustenance, and... maybe that's not
a disguise... but he still teaches us an important lesson: help the least of
all Neopians, and you will be rewarded one day. Except he rewards you right
THEN! How can you beat that? So what if it's often worth 1/97th of what it cost
you, it's an object lesson, dung it! And to all of you who say he horribly cursed
that poor little Kacheek: well, he was probably evil anyway. More than likely.
But I haven't answered the question yet -- I haven't gotten to the center
of the Fish Pop (the difference is, however, that at the center of a Fish Pop,
you have organs, and at the center of this, you have a nice person). So what's
my sick and twisted verdict? Well, honestly, it's someone who hasn't even been
MENTIONED yet. Yup, you guessed it: Mr. P. Devil. This guy is just bubbling
over with kindness. Don't believe me? Let's go over the facts, and just the
This guy is just SCREAMING kindness. One time, I had some junk in my inventory,
and right before I was going to give it away, he came and picked it up for me!
Saved me a lot of trouble. It's pretty nice to have room service that works
on precognition, no? You just can't beat a nice... blue thing... like that.
And what about his famous underwear stunts? Well, ever been feeling like you
just did something so embarrassing no one will ever like you again? Well, he's
there, right by your side, to do something WAY stupider than what you did. Pretty
soon, everybody forgets about what you did. Pretty nice of the... blue blob.
And you're complaining about all those Rod of Supernovas he stole from you
right before you picked it up at the Advent Calendar? Well, ever LOOK at those
thing? Had you picked it up, your vision would've been permanently hindered,
or worse, they're so bright! However, his eyes are different, so he sacrificed
his time and effort to save your vision. Man, what a... whatever he is.
And the whole Battledome gig? Well, he's one of the easiest opponents out
there! He's just helping all those weak Neopians rack up a nice Battledome score.
Pretty nice of him, I think. When I grow up, I want to be a... thing like him...
just like him. Plus, when you beat him, he turns conveniently into blueberry
ice cream. Pretty cool.
Oh, and as for the petty bike theft incident, well, that's all pretty simple.
See, while it LOOKs like he was cackling evilly and stealing the bike, he was
simply getting the bike away from her before the ticking time bomb went off.
How do I know it's a bomb? Just look at panel two with Ginny on her bike-- see
the thing that looks like a seat? It's a bomb. Why? Moving on.
And the cackling, well, that was just a Uni in his throat, so to speak. Or
But I mean, this... blue ice cream-like thing... is awesome! He's nice, nice,
and just plain NICE. How could he not when.
I hereby present Mister Pant. E. Devil with the Gold Star of Being-Nice-ness.
It's just around here, I think... oh, here it-- HEY!
Something Has Happened!
The Pant Devil appears and steals Gold Star of Being-Nice-Ness! Oh no!
Wow, see what I mean-- nifty. Didn't even have to hand it to him. Thanks,