SAFE BUNKER - We've all seen Dr. Frank Sloth in action; making transmogrification
potions, turning items into sludge, but most of all, attempting to conquer Neopia,
or at least mutate us. The Neopedia said Sloth came from space long, long ago,
but where's he really from? I risked life, limb, and my humanoid appearance,
to get this revealing interview.
Me: So, Dr. Sloth, may I call you Frank?
Sloth: You're just lucky you can call me anything, after all those times you've
Me: That's all in the past Sloth, and I AM here on business. *shows Neopian
Times reporter's badge* However, your door guard wasn't all that friendly, or
Sloth: What would you expect from a Mutant Grundo? I programmed my mutation
gun to drain their brains of all unnecessary intelligence.
Me: But that's off subject. I'm just here to ask where you came from. You've
got to have a home planet you came from or something.
Sloth: I guess it couldn't hurt to tell you. Just don't too much get out, or
my reputation will be history. First off, I'm not telling when I was born…
Me: Well it was obviously before 2000 BN.
Sloth: Give or take a few millennia… you didn't hear that!
Me [crosses fingers behind back]: Got it.
Sloth: Anyway, I came, as you suspected, from another world, a planet named
Sloth: Think about that for a moment, I've got a new potion on the stove. I
can't let it boil over.
He spent the next five minutes in the next room, three minutes longer than
it took me to figure the anagram out. You think about it, it has something to
do with a certain language. Anyhow, when Sloth came back, he had a steaming
pot in one hand and an empty bottle in the other. I jumped right back to the
Me: I've got it Sloth, but I'm confused. You mean to tell me you were born
on the Grundo's home world?
Me: So, YOU didn't enslave the Grundos, did you?
Sloth: Being the only Sloth here, and the one who introduced Grundos, that
rumor started. I think it was my grandfather that did the actual enslaving.
Me: So this "take over a planet for yourself" thing is the family business?
Sloth: Correct. At my coming of age, 1500 years… I seem old, don't I?
Me: The fact that you're still around and mobile gave me the impression that
your type lives for quite a while.
Sloth: Bet 10 NP you're not the first one to figure that out.
Me [tosses over the money]: So you traveled through space until you found Neopia?
Sloth: Don't tell anyone…*I cross fingers again* But I ran out of fuel and
crash-landed here. Most of my experiments got vaporized.
Me: I just recently spotted your shop out there. Your description said you,
personally, conquered a thousand worlds. Is there ANY validation to that statement?
Sloth: Uh… no. That's the current family record, I just need to make it 1,001.
Me: Right. Now, what's this about coming third in a three-man race? That's
nothing to brag about.
Sloth: It was during a Sloth family reunion. I was the only Sloth to race there,
the others were Grundos, and quite speedy ones at that.
Me: And this forming and crushing of an empire?
Sloth: Fictitious. I hoped it would strike some more fear or awe into people.
Me: Now then, back to your history; most people who've read the Neopedia know
that you created some monsters before that mysterious beam of light broke through.
Sloth: Quite a shock that was, believe me. I've never seen things grow so fast,
Me: And to make it worse, a Scorchio and a Jubjub popped out of nowhere.
Sloth: Actually, I think it was a Shoyru and a Kiko.
Me: The Neopedia said the second creature was a fur ball with feet, an exact
description of a Jubjub. I'm not going to argue the Shoyru though, the entry
did just say a dragon like creature showed up.
Sloth: It was a good thing I decided to hang around, because that made me the
first person to see every neopet in existence.
Me: While we're on that subject, there's a picture in the Neopedia of you holding
a Kacheek over a tangle of slime creatures. Why did you let them get a shot
Sloth: They paid me good for it. And it was fun. *laughs evily*
Me: However, the Gallery of Evil says you didn't show up until Year 3.
Sloth: I left a Neopia briefly around 2 BN to get some troops from Odnurg.
That's a five year trip to make, even at top speed.
Me: So, who's running Odnurg right now?
Sloth: Charlie, my little brother. He wasn't too happy to give me most of his
Grundo slaves, until I showed him my mutation gun, business first.
Me: So you got Grundos, came back, and tried to take over Sakhmet. Why, of
all places, did you try the Lost Desert?
Sloth: I thought it was still lost… those stupid Neopians caught me off guard,
especially Brucey B.
Me: So after your Rock Beast was slain and Brucey broke that staff of yours,
you fled to Virtupets?
Sloth: And started the Virtupets corp. -- that, and my big mutation ray.
Me: About that incident, you honestly thought it to be wise to lock the Space
Faerie in a CONTROL ROOM?
Sloth: I locked all the controls in it, and anyway, her one-track mind only
allowed her rage towards me to exist. I wasn't worried too much.
Me: I haven't seen very much of you, at least, not since the Neopets V2 incident.
Sloth: You can only link that to me by the letter I sent to Kauvara.
Me: Precisely. So, what have you been up too?
Sloth: Whipping up Transmogrification potions (holds up the still-steaming
pot), and putting my new plans in front of the Council of Evil.
Me: The what?
Sloth: An organization formed by everyone in the Gallery of Evil. We actually
had a hand in getting that book published.
Sloth: We meet once a month, or whenever we feel like it, and place our plans
in front of everyone else. If they like it, who ever presented the plan gets
a month to so to carry it out.
Me: I noticed Darigan got a spot in the Gallery recently.
Sloth: Our general rule about newcomers like Darigan is: we let them try their
plan, and if they succeed, or get a BIG opposition from the Neopians, they get
a spot in the gallery.
Me: That makes sense. Did you ever have any objections to Darigan?
Sloth: I used to think he was trying to get Jhudora's attention, to make her
dump me and take him. However, after some studies, I realize it WAS the orb's
fault he got into that mess.
Me: It may take some time for everyone to get that, however, its good to know
you're up to speed. So, who's the leader of the Council of Evil?
Sloth: There's no leader, we'd be beating each other up trying to get that
position. We work by democracy.
Me: But what if things get out of control?
Sloth: That's when the meeting room turns into the Battledome. Last man standing
gets to try their plan that month.
Me: Well Sloth, thank you for that great interview. I'd better get out of here
now, before I say something really stupid.
Getting out of the lair wasn't easy. Sloth had plans for that potion he'd been
cooking; plans to use me as a guinea pig. A large tussle with Sloth and some
of his Grundos ensued, and I barely escaped with my life, but not before that
potion went down Sloth's throat. Lets just say, Sloth needs to go back to the
drawing board. Sloth wasn't the only casualty however. Most of the Grundos were
sporting crazy new hairdos, or a new mutant body. I wound up crawling out of
the lair and back home as a severely battered Mutant Lupe.
Well, there it is: the whole story behind the Sloth. Born off planet, taking
credit for his family's work, and coming in third in a three-man race. I've
had to hole up in this bunker with my pets for the last three weeks with mutant
Grundos pounding the outside night and day. Does anyone have the number for
the DoN? Help!
Author's note: feedback is enjoyed, but don't yell at me if I've contradicted
earlier articles about Sloth. I don't let the Neopian times affect my writings,