NEOPIA CENTRAL - I can’t tell you how many times people have said that I need
to spend more time in the “real” world. I am told that I will never learn how
to deal with reality if I don’t just go and face it. But I find that it just
is not so. In fact, all I really need to know, I learned in Neopia. I
am also told, mainly by my mom, that too much Neopets will turn me into a vegetable.
But that is beside the point, so for the moment you can ignore the asparagus
stalks growing out of my head. Back on topic, I have learned quite a bit from
playing Neopets. Here are just a few things.
1. Never underestimate the power of a single Neopoint. The same goes for dollars.
2. If you price your goods just one cent or Neopoint below your nearest competitor,
you will show up first on the shop wizard or price listings.
3. You cannot get rich without doing any real work. Many Newbies, myself included,
learned this by jumping every time we saw something about how to become wealthy,
but then slumped upon discovering it was either a scam or just the advise we
had already heard that would take months to get rich off of anyway.
4. The lottery is not an exception to lesson number three. You will
most likely never win it, and if you do it will only be five thousand Neopoints.
Or two hundred dollars.
5. Slot machines are not exceptions either. They are very evil and will only
make volcanoes erupt, causing Scorchios to steal your money. Or, they might
simply make you keep playing and losing. Either way, even if you do win something,
you will lose it again fairly quickly.
6. If someone tries to tell you that you can get rich without doing
any real work by simply following their special program, report them for scamming.
Or for fraud.
7. If you shell out big bucks buying the latest greatest product , a month
later people will be able to buy it for practically nothing.
8. No matter how much research you put into your food club bets, things can
still go wrong. The same goes for real-world betting.
9. If you work hard enough, there is nothing you cannot do.
10. Except get the staff to bring back the old Gelert. Or force anyone,
particularly those with more authority than you, to change their minds.
11. As a kid, I have learned that adults are not always stuffy and boring and
teenagers are not always obsessive about clothes and cars and romance. In fact,
they can often be mistaken for kids my own age if I cannot actually see them.
My adult and teenage friends have learned that kids are not stupid and ignorant.
In fact, some have felt the need to add “You don’t have to answer; I know it’s
a rude question,” when asking my age.
12. Always read the news.
13. In both Neopia and real life, there are many different ways to “win” because
there are many different paths to choose and many different goals to set.
14. In the same sense, there is no way to “win” because the game is never over.
15. Something doesn’t have to make sense to be true. (See previous two lessons.)
16. Life is richest when you share it with other people. Neopia without Neofriends
and guilds and chat boards is just a place you log onto everyday to play games
and feed imaginary pets. Real life without friends is just as empty.
17. Don’t be afraid to act crazy. All the fun people do.
18. When you start to get too serious, it’s time to make a joke. (See previous
19. One word: HTML.
20. Everyone makes mistakes. Even Donna, who consistently publishes inaccurate
information in the editorial.
21. The concept of time varies from person to person. For example, say the
Neopets staff says on February Tenth that NeoGardens will be coming out very
soon. To you, “very soon” might mean within a week. But the Neopets Staff, of
course, means three months. So when NeoGardens come out on May Third, you may
think that they are late, but to the staff it’s right on time.
22. Harmlessly poking fun at authority figures can be very therapeutic. (See
previous two lessons.)
23. Some people will just never stop denying that what is as clear as the nose
on your face is not and cannot be true (think jelly world). Just roll your eyes
and ignore them.
24. You can learn even while writing an article.
25. It’s important to have money. But if that’s all you have, life can get
26. Things change. For better or worse, you must learn to accept it.
27. Life is not always fair. Whether fate or the Staff is to blame for that
29. An imaginative outlook makes life more interesting.
30. It is a good idea to put random thoughts on paper (or cyberspace). You
just might end up with something worth publishing.
31. Some things are best expressed through stories.
32. Or comics.
33. Thinking about things that don’t make sense is good mental exercise.
34. And great for coming up with ideas for your writing.
35. If you do not proofread, you wll b srry.
36. Illustrating a point can be very effective. (See above.)
37. You never know when a bit of random knowledge will become useful.
38. You can learn things from the strangest places.
39. No matter what they claim, popularity and special connections will often
come before talent (think Beauty Contest).
40. Life is not always fair.
41. It is sometimes necessary to restate a point. (See above.)
42. You can learn things even while writing an article. (See above.)
43. It is sometimes necessary to restate a point. (See above.)
45. It is sometimes necessary to restate a point. (See above.)
46. Using up space is an art. But after a while, it stops being funny and just
gets annoying. (See above.)
47. Cross referencing can get annoying. (See above see above see above see
above see above see above.)
48. You can’t write an article out of pure nonsense.
49. When you start getting too silly, it’s time to say something insightful.
50. Pets are for keeps.
Of course, there are also lessons you learn on Neopets that should never,
under any circumstances be applied to real life. If you even think
of trying them, you should probably just stick to Neopets and forget about getting
a pet in real life. Here are a few examples.
1. No matter how long you starve your pet, it will never die. It just won’t
be able to fight in the battle dome.
2. It is fun to equip your pets with daggers, bows and arrows, swords, and
assorted grenades and send them into combat with other, similarly equipped pets.
3. Eating food that you find lying around on the ground can save you money.
4. It would be really sweet to give your Aisha (cat) a Miamouse (rodent) for
5. It is really cool to paint your pets.
Good bye for now. I have an appointment to get these asparagus antennae surgically
Disclaimer: The above was a rather pathetic attempt to be silly and serious
at the same time. I, the author, am in no way responsible for any mental trauma
you may have suffered as a result of reading this article.